Abstruse Musing

I remember many years ago, I saw a man on television. He was covered in piercings, I could barely see his face and arms. I wondered why he would do that to himself. He said every time he was unhappy, he'd get another piercing. I was empowered by the idea about self expressionism. Mine mark both happy and unhappy events within my life. Perhaps it serves as my own declaration of independence. I've always struggled to find a real foothold when it came to self identity. I've always wanted to be different. After high school, a friend once asked if I would remove my ear piercings if I had a corporate job. I told her I wouldn't because I considered them to be a part of my identity. I said I'd get my last one and now I want another two. I know my identity isn't marked by these piercings, my identity is marked by my personality and my choices. I'll figure this out one day. I'll continue to try despite whatever mishaps I may meet along the way. And with that,

I find myself at peace when the days are grey and when silence permeates throughout the quiet hours of the day. There is emptiness yet something peaceful about these moments of solitude. There is the symphony of the wind whistling throughout the leaves, the sound of a distant choir and the smell of a warm comforting meal wafting through the window. I feel so much at ease just thinking about these things, just the simple impression of a myriad of things. All these thoughts and feelings come alive at night. Lurking beneath the glowing street lamps, the cold stars, the empty canvas in my room. It's all there, the thoughts I've tried to hard to conceal. He is the memory that comes alive in my dreams and I wish it wasn't this way. I used to hate the night because I couldn't sleep. I learned to love the night because there was you. I am torn between these sentiments and reality. I no longer have the courage to pick up your calls. I never realised how important closure w

Truthfully, I've still yet to sustain my hope. Seeing an old friend reminded me of the calmer and more welcoming days of my youth. Those were the days when our eyes were filled with ambition, we thought we'd cure cancer or do something great to better society. We were naive, innocent and dreamers. I find myself in a more secure state of mind when I ponder back upon these once blissful and carefree days. But alas, paths diverge and memories fade. I met up with D this week for a brief lunch. It was reassuring to see a familiar face which belonged to these ill forgotten times. I used to be intimidated by D, she had a very solid exterior and I was timid. But upon closer inspection, you find that there is more than meets the eye. Yes, she was both strong minded and willed. As time progressed, I saw a person who sought to be understood entirely and not just be perceived as some sort of tempest. It was a pleasant yet brief lunch, I was glad I invited D to lunch. Sometimes I feel

I used to write here when I couldn't sleep or when something was bothering me. I'd like to think that has changed, so I haven't frequented here as often as I once did. Indeed the past shapes who we ultimately become tomorrow. But it does not do well to dwell on the past, particularly if you are reminded of not so pleasant times. Whilst these unpleasant times are essential to self growth and enrichment, I find myself slowly and surely forgetting. Planetarium reminds me of the past and the people which once inhabited in my memories. There are friends and alike who have gradually drifted away as time progressed. While I understand this is a natural part of growing up, sometimes I wonder if I should've done anything to prevent it. One day you realise something has gone amiss, but it is already too late to salvage what no longer exists. We constantly search, meeting disappointment along the way, then realise it can no longer be a part of you any more. I first heard pla

I've thought about going abroad for a long time. I'd live in a city where no one knows me. I want to be free to dream without knowing boundaries. A friend told me about her experience with helping to build villages and teaching children english. I'm so drawn to that ideal. I knew it was something I want to do, even when I was in primary school. But responsibility holds me back. This emancipation that I've been fixated with over the years, is essentially, an elaborate plan to escape all my problems. No matter how the dream changes, one primary factor remains. The chance to start anew has always been enticing.

I find myself in an all too familiar setting. It's 1am and I'm working on an assignment, again. Except, unlike last night, I do not plan on sleeping. My sister is back home tonight, it's nice to have her around every now and then. I look forward to the end of tomorrow, I just want to sleep. I'm no longer nocturnal but sometimes I require a sleeping pill to fall asleep. My mind is most active at night, I've grown so accustomed to thinking at strange hours of the night. Lately, I've pondered about Canberra again, the thought of escaping everything is enticing. I know that is no reality, yet my mind continues to wander. I don't know what I want to escape, maybe all of this. We spend so much time worrying about money, health and relationships. If only these complications only existed within our minds. As I age, I've realised that life isn't a fairytale. No one is going to save you, you must be the one to save yourself. When you've lost sight of y

I haven't written here as often as I once did. When I visit this long forgotten page, I like to read about my own thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it really is my own experience I'm reading about, I feel as though I'm disconnected. Even though I've neglected this medium, I always will be back. I was reading about September 2010, I feel as though not much has changed since then. Slowly and surely, the insomnia is returning. I bought the Avanza that the doctor prescribed, I feel fine when I take them. I try to not take them, but that just leaves me imbalanced. Perhaps its time to speak to a counsellor again. I know now that seeking help is not considered to be an embarrassment. I just don't feel right every now and then. I think of the past and of what I should have done. I'll never forget last Saturday, it was a truly traumatic experience at work. I heard footsteps, a soft thud, followed by silence and the anguished screams of a mother. A little boy collapse

"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved."  I saw that in a friend's blog and thought it seemed rather relevant. I'm quite dysfunctional when it comes to expressing feelings. To love is essentially what makes us human. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, love is pretty foreign and strange to me. I never really reacted well when someone expressed their feelings for me. I always panic, even if the feelings were mutual. I harbour feelings for a certain friend, but I'd rather these feelings never be known. I don't want to make things awkward. These feelings were almost reciprocated. But as usual, all I did was panic and shut down. Although sometimes I wonder what it could've been like if I didn't panic. Then I remember it does not do well to dwell on the maybe and what if's.

I'm starting to feel the effects of the Avanza, I'm quite relaxed and drowsy. I felt like writing, just for old time's sake. I'm feeling quite sentimental lately. I miss H, I try to avoid talking about it. I remember H was a rather distant person, I understood that perfectly. We were similar in that sense. Either one of us would disappear for days, weeks or even months. Then we'd meet up and pick up from where we last left off. Then one day I met H's father at a family gathering, he had returned. He seemed like a genuine person, quite open and talkative. I felt so relieved and happy at the same time for you. I thought to myself that you'll finally have a complete family. I believed she didn't have to look after her family by herself. But comfort can be so deceptive. Her father disappeared from her life again. Slowly and surely, her life fell apart piece by piece. I haven't seen nor heard from her in well over a year. Sometimes I wonder how she is

I was awoken early in the morning by a text message. It was from a person I haven't spoken to in a long time, a person who has simply been forgotten. I read the message whilst in my drowsy stupor and promptly went back to sleep. Getting more sleep was my priority, everything else seemed irrelevant.  By the time I had woken up, I thought it was all but a mere dream. Against my better judgement, I checked my message inbox. Sure enough, there it was. I didn't know what to do. I thought to myself that I am a mature adult and that all has been forgiven. When I say forgiven, I mean that it is all behind me. I do not hope for anything to happen.  I once considered changing my phone number. But then I thought, what if this person wanted to contact me one day? Now I wish I had because I wouldn't have to deal with the sort of disappointment that comes with these unexpected attempts of communication. Today I am no longer disappointed, all that I feel is apathy. I expect nothing

I went to visit the doctor today, she prescribed Avanza again. I didn't buy them last time, but I did now. I need proper rest. That's the undeniable truth, perhaps I haven't gone about achieving it in the most natural way. My justification is that I haven't bought any in a long time. There are some nights where I'm back to staring out the window. I don't know if I should welcome the insomnia or not. I feel like this is now a part of me, it's been an ongoing struggle since high school. I hardly ever went to school during my senior year in high school. I'd turn up when I felt like it. I developed a bit of a reputation for being late to school and absent. Despite all that, I tried to forge ahead. Close friends knew how much I struggled with it. I'd see the sun rising, not because I woke up early. But rather, I saw day break due to my inability to sleep. When I grew tiresome of staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I'd go outside for a jo

I’ve known P for five years now and I consider her as one of my closest friends. We confide in each other when we’re unhappy and angry. I knew exactly when P had fallen in love with someone from work. I saw the look in their eyes and I immediately knew that something had happened between the both of them. I was genuinely happy for them, they looked so virtuous together. But I’ve learned that where there are people, there will always be talk. And so talk within the workplace spread and eventually took it’s toll on their relationship. No one at work knew about it, so they ended it quietly and swiftly.  P and I had each other when things went sour in our relationships. For P, it was the very first time she fell unconditionally and irrevocably in love with someone. The difference between our situation is that I did not have to see my ex at all. P had to go in to work with a brave face and pretend that they never happened.  A year from then, she told me she still loves him. She knows that

Sometimes I come off as obnoxious, rude or an overall snob. Quite frankly, I'm not offended by that at all. I'm rude and obnoxious to people who treat me that way. I do admit, sometimes I am quite a snob. But most of the time, I just keep quiet when I meet a new acquaintance. No one reveals all their cards to a stranger. All those attributes are merely a defence mechanism to me. That's what has changed about me. I'm no longer easily offended nor overly emotional. I feel there is the constant need to display my solid exterior. Even though I like this new persona, I know it'll come off as intimidating to some people. A person once said that they felt intimidated by me and that they did not feel we were both at equal footing. I can't ensure everyone is happy. The old me wanted to go out of the way to help everyone. But if someone can make you happy, then they can also make you unhappy. One's own happiness is their own, they cannot rely on someone else to a

As we age, we learn from our mistakes. An acquaintance said that taking chances equates to marginally lesser remorse in the long run. Albeit, at first I agreed with their simplistic views. Upon thinking about it further, I realised that such a notion would completely conflict with my personality. I don't feel comfortable taking a risk without properly and thoroughly thinking it through. I make calculated risks from observations and facts. Sometimes I wish I had the virtue of being simple minded. I've long since realised this could no longer be a reality for me. In some situations, I wished I could be stupid and do what I want. What we want may not always be righteous. The facade I built still exists today. I feel embarrassed about displaying emotions apart from happiness and anger. I can openly express these two opposite ends of the spectrum. What lies in between is still a constant struggle for me to exhibit. I'm dreading work with the weekend staff after my emotional

I don't cope very well with insecurity, I never have. Today I was paralyzed by insecurity, I completely broke down. I lost my wallet either during or after my lunch break at work. I couldn't find it any where, I've never lost something as important as my wallet. I just broke down in tears and stopped working completely. I was dysfunctional. I called a few friends to talk, just to keep me sane. Before that, I just kept walking around in circles and proclaiming all sort of profanities. I'm relieved two friends came to pick me up from work. Eventually my wallet was handed in to the information desk. Everything remained, all but the money. But that's fine. Today was indeed, a grey day I hated. I bought this owl at the end of my lunch break, the shop keeper told me it was for good luck. Maybe it was good luck after all, I got my wallet back eventually. I'm as stubborn as a mule. I grew up doing everything on my own, I rarely ever want help. I want to solve every

When we were young, we rushed head first into everything. We were naive enough to believed that love, aspirations and friendship could conquer just about any obstacle. As time went on, we grew to understand and accept that nothing is absolute. Even though what once was is now shadowed by the past, remember that it was once a cherished part of your lives. So don't regret yesterday because it was once represented exactly what you wanted. Image credit:  dancingintherains

I remember something a friend said to me one time. What if our parents did pressure us to continually better ourselves? My parents never pressured me. In fact, no one ever asked me what I wanted to pursue. Perhaps that explains my complete lack of direction in life. Ask me where I see myself in ten years and I can assure you that I will not have a concrete answer.  I should like to think that I've become a little more wiser, but sometimes I don't believe that is the case. If anything, I've become a little more assertive. The truth is I've only been primed to react to anger and general rude behavior. I cannot tolerate anger or rude people, I always retaliate. I become quite aloof when someone cries or expresses genuine feelings. I just feel like I lose control of my composure because I don't know how to react to sincerity. I just panic and shut down. I suppose this is the next thing that I need to change.

Maybe my cascading emotions are overwhelming the entire essence of my being. When you let out one emotion, you open the floodgates. I was once timid, I ensured I became more out spoken. During my childhood and much of my adolescent years, I bottled up every single emotion. I was but an empty shell. I decided I needed to change that aspect of myself, but that change did not occur overnight.   I've grown to become sarcastic, much less patient and apathetic about how I convey myself to others. The media has perpetually been responsible for how we view ourselves and the values we hold dear. There are numerous people in the world that have been primed to believe that they're not good enough, not skinny enough, not beautiful enough. The truth is you are enough, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.  I don't want to pretend I enjoy being in the presence of people I dislike. I don't want to remain silent when I want to make my opinions heard. I don't want to be the da

I have an exam in a few hours, just a quick update. Freedom awaits after Tuesday morning! Went to Sara's wedding on Saturday, it sure was a lot of fun. I was quite surprised to see an old uni friend, I haven't seen her in about 2 years. The past shapes who we are today, but we don't need to continue holding onto relics of the past. I'm starting to space out, I forgot what I wanted to write about. Hello caffeine and calculator... Image credit:  joshylhblocked P.S. This is completely unrelated, but I'm so excited!

Within the last month, I've come to realize that I'm no longer that same reserved person. I have no patience for stupid or rude people. When faced with such people, I always retort with sarcastic or derogatory remarks. I'm already considering applying for another job. It's natural that a person wants to set their goals at a higher point, this is one of those times. One thing I have the patience for is close friends. Much like H, the person I've been mentioning every now and then. I understand that H has problems at home so I don't intrude in her private life. I was hoping to invite her to one of our mutual friend's birthday gathering but couldn't contact her. Much to my relief, my friends ran into her today. I'm told she is fine and she might attend the gathering. Scrutiny is something we will all face at some point in our lives. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but it might not be the best course of action to follow. As we all know from the

Man: "Do you sell bleach?" Me: "Sorry we don't sell that, sir." Man: "Are you sure you don't sell bleach? B-l-e-a-c-h..." Me: "Look, I didn't study university level chemistry for nothing. I'm more informed about what bleach actually is than you are. So for the final time, we do not sell bleach." Man: " So you don't sell bleach ?" I don't know how many people have annoyed me today, its literally like this every single shift. I was advised to consider other people's feelings before I speak. Quite frankly, I don't care right now. I barely had enough sleep before going to work, I'm stressed out and I don't have patience for stupidity. On a lighter note, a friend unexpectedly dropped by to say hi today. That certainly made my day.

I've been told my recent outbursts of sarcastic and aggressive comments were caused by some issue bothering me. I do seem to have a fair few things weighing on my mind. For each time I want to say something derogatory or sardonic, I need to stop to consider other people's feelings. I wasn't offended by the advice, but it did make me think twice. Yesterday, two things happened to me. I took the initiative to listen to some advice and I was presented with the opportunity to forget all about August. I should run with the opportunity but I hesitated. Comfort can be so deceptive. I forgot the sound of that particular voice. But upon hearing it, I was left to confront the memories on my own. I haven't been too attentive to other people's feelings. I might have the courage to stand up to people but I don't have the courage to express my inner most thoughts nor feelings. I'm not looking forward to next Friday, it marks the start of my first exam. At least next

As time and distance progressed, I forgot the finer details. What happens when one moment revives all these dormant and long forgotten memories? I thought I would never hear that voice again, I didn't know how to react. I don't want to confront the past, I no longer have the courage to do so. I don't think I should ponder too much on it. I need to wake up early to go to work. I might be left in charge of the report at the end of the day. I don't think I'm really ready to take on the responsibility. If anything, I've always despised responsibility. Maybe that's what separates adults from children, clearly I'm still a child.

I've been rather fatigued lately. Between going to classes and work, any free time is usually spent by sleeping or reading a good book. I was going to sleep but I figured I'd write an update. I'm not really looking forward to work, but the monetary benefit is the main contributing factor to my eagerness. Honestly, ever since I started working there the whole experience has been nothing but a power play. Yes, it has brought our families a little closer. But I cannot deny that the dormant competition between us has resurfaced once again. We had dinner to celebrate my aunt and my sister's birthday just yesterday. It was a friendly affair but it was laced with poignant hostility. I felt rather uncomfortable about it. There is a reason why I never particularly warmed to my family, that occasion was one of them. I was reading one of Tobias Wolff's books and one particular line he wrote resonated with wisdom and truth. Power can be enjoyed only when it is recognized an

Not long after my previous post, I did consider not working at my cousin's place. My thoughts have not wavered since then. Working with family has proven to be a rather strenuous task and I feel I should avoid the possibility of heated confrontations. When I say heated confrontations, I really mean myself. I used to be like a Mimosa pudica , but now I do not shy away when I need to be aggressive or defensive. I'm stubborn, I don't like to apologize, I'm quick tempered and among a myriad of other things. And if I were to exhibit such attributes in your presence, then I guess I'm not really trying to be attentive to your feelings. My friend said that she sees a competitive side to me. I don't think anyone ever noticed that side because I've always concealed that part of myself. When we are young, all that we wanted to do was hurry up and grow up. Yet when we do grow up, all we want to do was be a child once again. Wouldn't it be nice to live in a worl

So today has been the second day of working at my cousin's place. I'm tired but I figured I'd write.  On the first day, I literally blanked out when my co-workers spoke to me in chinese. I mean I understood what they were saying to me, but I just couldn't put the words together and say them. I guess this is what happens when you only speak english at home. Luckily enough, I was speaking fluent chinese again by the end of the day. It's a good thing I grew up watching television shows from Hong Kong. I feel obligated to keep working there (at least for a while) because my sister quit after working there one day. I don't want to let my cousin down nor my colleagues. Speaking of colleagues, I found one of them to be rather good looking. Pity I can't speak mandarin, at least there's some eye candy at work. Exams are right around the corner, there's another 3 weeks left in the semester. I received the wedding invitation in the mail yesterday. I have n

I didn't bother going to the doctor on Saturday. I'm going to brush it off and assume it's just about the antibiotics. Honestly, I slept in until 4pm. I couldn't be bothered to make the trip to the clinic. And as for my cousin, he needs someone to fill in a couple of days of work. I appreciate the opportunity, but I have doubts whether I'd fit in. I'm not particularly fluent in speaking mandarin and most of the employees there are fluent. I spoke to my friend who had just recently got married, I missed her wedding since I was sick. She invited me and a friend over to meet her family, I'm rather looking forward to it. She sounded really happy and told me that there were sparks between two people at the wedding. I wonder how that will go! Today my  friend  from university told me she was getting married in June. I was really excited, seeing as I missed my other friend's wedding. I know I haven't been exactly sure with what I wanted to do. But I kn

Exam timetables have been released, I'd say it's looking alright. I'm still putting together a present for Mother's Day, I haven't worked on it as much as I would've liked to though. I keep a planner and I can't even remember when I have to complete things by. I guess writing in it is a good idea, reading it every now and then is even more important. I was half asleep when the receptionist at the doctor's clinic called today. I'm sure she could tell I had only just woken up. I asked her if she knew why I the doctor had asked me to see him, she said she didn't know. I shouldn't think too much, he's probably checking to see if I've recovered after taking antibiotics. I'd like to think that, but I don't think that's the reason. I should stop scaring myself and just drop by the clinic on Saturday. P.S. I'll be changing my blog address at the start of July, I'll keep you guys posted.

Sometimes I fear July will happen again, today that fear has been revived. The truth is I have nothing positive to write about on this particular day. So if you'd rather not read this, then that is absolutely fine by me. I hate my dad, I've hated him ever since my childhood. I believed the world was a terrible place because of him. Asian parents seem to believe abusing their children is discipline , but I contend. My dad is by far the most selfish person I have ever come across in all 22 years of my life. He'd use the computer for leisurely reasons and refuse to let me do my assignments. Have you ever heard of someone crying because they can't do their assignment or homework? That was me and my sister.  I was only ever able to do work at night and I soon developed problems with sleeping. I let go of my ego and asked my cousin for a job, I had to do it. I have no security in my life, it has always been this way for me. I just have no hope today. I'm still sick and

It's now 2:14am, I should be asleep but I'm not. The mid semester break is over, which is quite a pity. I spent my break and birthday being sick. At least I didn't have to go to class. This leaves me with a lot of work to catch up on. I've got two assignments and a test next week. I'm not looking forward to any of those drab assessments. At least I spent my birthday with friends and family (not to mention the bacteria). It's the first time I had two cakes for my birthday. The day was fun and I was genuinely happy. I'm not one that likes attention. I like to keep my birthday small and enjoy it with good company. I never particularly warmed to clubbing or getting myself pathetically drunk. You may perceive me as boring, but I won't do something unless it really is worth my time. My friend's wedding is this weekend. Most people are excited by the very idea of a wedding. To me, it's literally a painful experience. I've been considered tall f

Here I was playing a game on xbox when a close friend invited me to have coffee with him and two others. When I'm gaming, I guess I don't really pay attention to what people are saying. Naturally, I agreed. When I hung up, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. The reason being is that I'm not on good terms with one particular person. I said I wanted to see changes in myself, so I went.  Perhaps by now our mutual grudge has dissipated with the aid of time and space. It was nice to have seen Friend B under different circumstances. I guess our personalities really clashed when we were in the lab together. Without all that tension, I got along well with that person. If you make the decision to commit to change, you must take the necessary steps to get there.  We discussed one thing in particular, it really made me think. Perhaps the people we know, are not exactly what they seem to be. My perspective on a certain individual has tarnished a little following our talk. I guess

This week is the mid semester break, I have much work to catch up on. I still have to figure out what sort of present to buy for a friend's wedding.I tried to wear heels out the other night, I ended up bare foot for a short while. I'm trying to be a little more enthusiastic. But the thought of wearing heels and a dress, sounds more like a painful experience. I've learned a few things during these past few months. Don't make promises when you're happy, don't make a decision when you're sad and don't speak when you're angry. I used to do all of these, but I'll be a little more wise about it now. Distinction in assessments is not nearly sufficient, I need to consistently do well. I live in constant fear of failure and retribution. I'm trying to change; not for anyone else, but for myself.

In 5th grade, I asked my best friend what her future aspirations were. She confidently replied, "I want to get married and have children." I was puzzled by this and inquired, "You'd be satisfied with just being a housewife?" When everyone dreamed of marriage and children, I dreamed of everything but that. I wanted to be a scientist, dermatologist, lawyer, or entrepreneur.  My aspirations for the future may be a little different now, but what I didn't dream of remains the same. Growing up in a broken home has ultimately led to my disdain for marriage and children. I'm afraid to commit the same mistakes as my parents. My parents didn't dream of the things I dreamed about when they were 10. I'm sure this is not the life my mom wanted, she wanted to explore the vast possibilities that life has to offer.  I respect other people's values and principles, but don't expect me to be on the same page as you. It's essential that we have goals

This is something I would never say to someone face to face, so here is the truth. Happiness is not found in a pill or miracle drug. Following the events from last July, I reached a very low point in my life. I gave up on two things which were important to me, and sometimes that truth continues to haunt me in my wake. When my doctor wrote me a prescription for Avanza, I was really perplexed. I stared at this prescription, not knowing what to do. I kept questioning myself if I was depressed and what it actually mean't. There was a time when I couldn't get out of bed to do something as simple as go to class. During those times, I put my thoughts to pen and paper. If it hadn't been for the support of friends, I might not have recovered so soon. If you're reading this, thank you for being there. Honestly, I'm in a better place now than I was last July. I think we all have our own problems in our very private lives. Some are willing to talk about it, whilst some prefe

I'm not perfect. I had a grey childhood and I never particularly warmed to my father. Honestly, every relationship I've had has ended the same. When I find out the person was sincere towards me, all that I registered was a state of sheer panic. It's not that the feelings weren't mutual, I just have a morbid fear of commitment. I can't even bring myself to talk about this, so here I am writing. I feel obliged to stand up against anyone remotely hostile or plain annoying because they remind me of my father. Perhaps I am fast becoming the one person that I despise. This part of me certainly isn't the change that I wanted to see in myself. Perhaps 5 subjects was a little too overbearing, naturally I dropped one subject. Whatever feelings I had or have could never possibly transcend time and distance. Sometimes I wonder if this is just me being bitter about the outcome. I was fearful that I was moving so slowly, I was so petty minded to believe that. The greatest

Sometimes I still miss my lab coat, being in the lab and reading the occasional journal article. I'm a little homesick, I miss the sense of community amongst my fellow classmates. I haven't been back to visit because I don't really want to find myself reminiscing too much. Maybe I wouldn't even want to leave, I'd probably feel more at home there. I never noticed that I changed, a friend said I've become more ruthless. I dislike those who lie between their teeth and those who are two faced. To be absolutely frank, sometimes I'm a part of the vicious cycle. I'm not apathetic towards the feelings of others, I don't want to continually dance around in circles. If you want honesty and sincerity, then do unto yourself as you would unto others. The other day I had a nightmare that I had blood cancer, I was relieved to discover it was merely a dream. But it made me think, what if my life was to abruptly end today? What is preventing you from achieving y

I admit I was ruthless two weeks ago. I retracted my few words and apologized. I did that not because I wanted to start again. Seven months on and we still remember these dormant feelings. Perhaps these stubborn feelings would've been completely eradicated if there had been closure.  To me, it no longer matters what either party said or did. I know that friendship is not an option now because I haven't entirely forgotten the history we once shared. The only hope I want to hold is the hope that one day your family would respect you and your career would blossom.  I spoke to a friend yesterday about it. Oddly enough we experienced the same joy, heartache, tears and closure all at the same time. We're intertwined by some sort of crazed fate. Today, I no longer feel burdened nor disheartened. Don't sit there waiting for everything to fall neatly into place. Be proactive and be the change you want to be.

I have always omitted a certain part of my history. I daresay I've kept it a secret for most of my life, I've literally only told three people the entire truth. People are often perplexed when I say I don't want to get married or have children. Like most people, I'm afraid of committing the same mistakes as my parents. A certain bully used to pick on me in primary school because I was so timid and withdrawn. In first grade, I learned to stand up for myself thanks to him. We continued to fight but eventually became friends. Conversely, it was all because of him that I learned to stand up against my dad. I stood up for my mom and sister, I felt I had to protect them. Sadly I never got the chance to thank the bully personally. He's in jail now. I always believe there is a good side in everyone. He said he wanted to look after his mom and beat up his father if he ever returned. I've always wanted to write about this, but I always hesitated. I'm not sure how

It's not necessarily the farewell that is disheartening, usually it's the memories which continually haunt the mind. What we cannot have is always the best, that's just human nature . Writing about it has been my only outlet to express myself, I didn't really want to talk about it face to face with a friend. I've always shouldered everything on my own. And lets be honest here, I'm not going to change any time soon. Perhaps I may have given the impression of a vindictive vixen from my last post, I'm like that sometimes. Truthfully I ignored that person because I didn't want the memories to surface once again. One thing I've learned is that it takes a lot of bravery and maturity to let go of something you want. I wanted to be selfless, but I wonder if I was actually doing more harm than good. I often wonder if my life would be different if I were permitted to start school one year earlier. Of course, the teachers at the primary school didn't p

What happens when the one that got away, came back? Well I'll tell you what happens. You reject them because they treated you unjustly. Well I'm just being overly dramatic here, that didn't really happen. When I was contacted a few days ago, I didn't know what to think or feel about it. As I thought about it more, I figured it was best to leave things as they were. Aren't you happier now? In all honesty, I just lack the courage to take another leap of faith. I may as well save myself the disappointment and sorrow. Today I received Jess and Dino's wedding invitation. I'm really excited about their wedding. She did say her mother (monster) in law is a very controlling and strong minded lady. I hope she doesn't end up marrying into a family like Marie Barone's. The Latin term cor  is the literal translation for heart . Cor  as in an apple core , it is the heart and central component of all that exists. I hope we can all summon the courage to speak o

The first week back to university can be summed up in three words. Drab and repetitive. I feel as though my week has been quite lacking, which is why I've only attended half my classes this week. I grew tiresome of listening to lecturers drone on and on about the transition from high school to university and how to access online material. Today I finally made the trek to Double Bay. It was well worth the travel, I absolutely adore the atmosphere there. If I should have a spare $2.4 million, I shall move there! But in all honesty, I'd love to just move away for a few years. I'd like to start off with a clean slate, once again. Live another life in a country where no one knows me. Sometimes my mind still wanders. Let what has passed, become the past. I have to be mindful of that. Time has indeed been a luxury as of late, but all that will change today. I already have an essay due and many readings to catch up on. I miss being on the north campus and wearing jeans. I'

Honestly, I cringe whenever I hear that name or unit of temperature. My mind is plagued with things I should have said and things I should have left unsaid. But all these no longer matter to myself nor the intended. I still firmly believe that this is ultimately for the best. I'll convince myself entirely in due time. I won't have the luxury of time once the semester begins. I'm taking 5 subjects this semester so I really won't have time to ponder. I find it rather ridiculous that the world is more concerned with Justin Bieber's new hairstyle than the fact that an entire nation's freedom is being oppressed. It's disheartening to know that some people don't care that citizens of Libya are being killed for fighting for what they believe in. Will we become a generation of completely indifferent people? I hope that will not be so. I've moved around through different groups of friends throughout the years. Sometimes when you drift away from someone,

Tonight was a pretty messy night. I had one too many drinks then fell asleep in my own bathroom. The bad part is remembering that I still remember. I spoke to a good friend of mine shortly after my nap and surely I felt much better. Even though I've only known her for 4 years, it seems as though I've known her for much longer. There are things I talk about with her that I usually keep bottled up. If time heals all wounds, I wonder how much more time I need... I should sleep, its 3:53am right now. But I'm not drowsy after that very lady-like nap from earlier. When people were dreaming of making it big in the world of finance, law, science and business... I was trying to find myself. And I suppose I'm still trying to do that right now. It's funny now that I think about it. I used to laugh when someone told me they fell asleep in the bathroom. I feel so disheartened knowing that I still remember so much. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh at that memory

Lately it seems as though my writing here as become restrained, I feel like I'm writing for a certain audience. I've concentrated on the more positive side of life but this doesn't feel genuine. Life isn't always rainbows and ponies, that's just the way it is. I'm writing about my thoughts and my life, it's only natural that there is a balance between the exuberant and sardonic. My cousin is returning from England to get married. I'd say many people are somewhat skeptical about this wedding in November. I daresay, even I myself, am somewhat taken aback by this decision. I suppose there is not much to be shocked about  , it was expected that Anna and Tommy would separate in the end. Life tends to take unexpected turns, sometimes these changes reap positive experiences. They're chosen to remain as friends. It would be a shame for them to have known each other more than a decade and lose everything. As a spectator, yes I was disappointed in Tommy&#

When I was a kid, we did abseiling at camp. After that experience, my fear of heights did not alleviate but rather reinforced itself. It took a lot of courage for me to even climb up that cliff and look down at the nervous faces below. I stood over the edge of the cliff, leaned backwards and started taking a few steps down the cliff. Well the person in charge of the ropes sort of let out too much rope, so I went sliding down more than half of the cliff. I think I have every reason to be afraid after that. A friend and I decided to go to the fair, we came across the  chained carousel pictured above. The fear of heights was mutual between us, but we decided to give it a go. We sat down in the seats and noticed the children were unable to contain their excitement. We merely exchanged worried glances. I was concerned that the chain might snap whilst I was in mid air and I would be propelled to my inevitable death. What if I accidentally kicked the little girl seated in front of me or

Both good and bad experiences are essential elements to our character. Pain or suffering is never meaningless. I've come to realize that overcoming difficult times and obstacles on my personal front have made me a stronger person. I have to admit yesterday was not an easy day and that day ended in tears. I made a mistake. But I'll say no more about that, if you know what I'm talking about then that's fine.  Yesterday was indeed a bad day. However, I ran into an old friend from work. It was the first time I smiled on that particular day, I was genuinely pleased to see her. She told me she's engaged and getting married in March. I can't wait until the wedding, I'm already wondering what gift to buy for the duo. I have much thinking to do. The human body is indeed something of wonder, it recreates itself twice every year. Nearly all hair, bone and skin cells die within the tiny space of six months. And as the saying goes, out with the old and in with the new

Summer school is almost over, there's just another 2 weeks to go. I still need to fix my sleeping patterns up, I've only made it to uni on the days that I have tests. Yes, I slept in. Yesterday I read that goodbye can cause dormant memories to resurface. I think that is, without saying, absolutely true. Maybe we're all doomed to remember each and every goodbye in our lifetime. A few days ago, I was reminded of the question with no answer. The saying is true, expect nothing and you won't be disappointed. I'll give the person enough credit for summoning enough courage to even say hello. The notorious Australian summer is unbearable today. I feel as though I'm living in a sauna. I have no idea how I'll focus on statistics. Looks like I have some major cramming to do. Image credit:  unariunari

I've always mused that it was very strange in movies when people declare they can't live without a certain person. I was very stubborn and lived out each day nulled of a person's existence. This was purely by choice and my choice alone. If I could choose again, I wouldn't be so selfish. I spoke to a childhood friend on the phone a few moments ago. Things are happening for everyone this year, I'm really pleased to hear about these enticing new beginnings on the horizon. My friend wants to go take language classes at a college, she wants to learn French or Japanese. She hopes to learn either one of those languages so that she can go work overseas one day. I've always wanted to brush up on my horrid French, its a shame my university doesn't teach French. As strange as it sounds, I'm actually enjoying statistics for business. When I finished my high school exams, I really had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. It took me a very long time to reali

Happiness is a never ending quest for many of us. Some never quite find it whilst some spend their entire lives searching for it. Happiness is intangible, you can't see it nor can you touch it. You can't see all things with plain sight, sometimes you have to look much deeper than that.  The most common mistake that people commit is the presumption that happiness is something which must constantly be pursued. Instead of aimlessly searching, we should create our own happiness. Sometimes you must brave the dark hour of reason before you can appreciate all that is before you.  Friends are the very foundation of my entity. Without foundation, I would not exist. This is me writing to give thanks to those who mean anything at all to me. Some of them won't see this at all, but that's fine by me. Thank you for your counsel, encouragement and simply being there.  P.S I have no idea who those guys are in the picture above, but they sure made this a very memorable pict

A friend's engagement party was on Sunday, I tried to make her a gift myself. To be absolutely honest, I never swore so much whilst putting a gift together. I had to sew by hand, cover the cardboard box, make the chocolate bouquet and arrange it in the box. The upside is that I met her lovely family and also saw a few university friends. They kept telling us to eat and dance. Which goes well together I suppose, you eat then dance off the food. I'm really happy that my friend has found the one. I never realized how old I've become. I just never noticed until a few friend's children started calling me aunt Betty, realizing I could talk to mothers and grandmothers, developing road rage. I say all this and I'm 21. Age is no guarantee of maturity. A person does not turn 18 and miraculously become mature overnight. I don't think I've matured until lately. I used to be a person living in the now and then, now I'm more future minded. I've learned to let

Opportunities come and go, it is up to us to seize them and make them happen. Over the last few years, I have had some opportunities come up. There was a scholarship for engineering and an offer to study psychology. A friend once said I had so many good opportunities come up, but I let them slip by. Yesterday an opportunity arose and I took that chance at this new beginning. Two months ago or so, I applied for an internal transfer. I received a phone call from the university and they informed me that I needed to make a decision right away. After much thought and consideration, I accepted the offer and did all the necessary paperwork. I lacked the courage to adapt to change, but this year will be different.  I'll miss going to a lecture full of people in jeans and sneakers, the sense of community at the north campus, talking about experiments and research papers. To be absolutely honest, I stayed for all those reasons despite the fact that I knew I needed to change. I'm glad

If dreams were a reflection of our inner most desires, I would choose reality over fairy dreams. At least in reality, we have the power and capability to bring such desires to light. I've had my head up in the clouds for long enough, some things are best left in the past. When we dwell too long upon the ghosts of yesterday, we fail to see the bigger picture. In the last week or so, I've come to realize that I have indeed let go of bygones. I suppose 2011 is already off to a good start. Yesterday I received a phone call from a friend from university, she told me she's getting engaged. I was really excited, I could not contain myself. I'm really happy that she has found true virtue, I'm really looking forward to the engagement party this weekend. I'm not sure what this year will bring, but one thing is definite. Hello summer school, I'll have to learn to wake up early again. This sounds like a mission in itself already. I've been waking up at really o

Last night was certainly something, memorable in many ways. We went to see the local fireworks and had trouble reverse parking. Thankfully a stranger on the street offered to help us park the car. A friend suggested we drive near the city to see the midnight fireworks, and so began our very memorable race.  We power walked from the car along the dark streets, hopped on the bus at 11:45pm, ran out the bus at 11:59pm... Then the fireworks began, everyone was in awe and some people started singing the national anthem. Then we had to wait 30 minutes to get onto the bus and find our cars in the dark. It was, without saying, the most memorable new year.  I don't have a new years resolution, I never keep my word any way. They say people come into our lives for a reason, season or lifetime. I'm thankful for the people that are a part of my life. We share our happiness and sometimes our sorrows. Whether a person comes into my life for a reason, season or lifetime; I'm grateful fo