Abstruse Musing

As we age, we learn from our mistakes. An acquaintance said that taking chances equates to marginally lesser remorse in the long run. Albeit, at first I agreed with their simplistic views. Upon thinking about it further, I realised that such a notion would completely conflict with my personality. I don't feel comfortable taking a risk without properly and thoroughly thinking it through. I make calculated risks from observations and facts. Sometimes I wish I had the virtue of being simple minded. I've long since realised this could no longer be a reality for me. In some situations, I wished I could be stupid and do what I want. What we want may not always be righteous. The facade I built still exists today. I feel embarrassed about displaying emotions apart from happiness and anger. I can openly express these two opposite ends of the spectrum. What lies in between is still a constant struggle for me to exhibit. I'm dreading work with the weekend staff after my emotional

I don't cope very well with insecurity, I never have. Today I was paralyzed by insecurity, I completely broke down. I lost my wallet either during or after my lunch break at work. I couldn't find it any where, I've never lost something as important as my wallet. I just broke down in tears and stopped working completely. I was dysfunctional. I called a few friends to talk, just to keep me sane. Before that, I just kept walking around in circles and proclaiming all sort of profanities. I'm relieved two friends came to pick me up from work. Eventually my wallet was handed in to the information desk. Everything remained, all but the money. But that's fine. Today was indeed, a grey day I hated. I bought this owl at the end of my lunch break, the shop keeper told me it was for good luck. Maybe it was good luck after all, I got my wallet back eventually. I'm as stubborn as a mule. I grew up doing everything on my own, I rarely ever want help. I want to solve every

When we were young, we rushed head first into everything. We were naive enough to believed that love, aspirations and friendship could conquer just about any obstacle. As time went on, we grew to understand and accept that nothing is absolute. Even though what once was is now shadowed by the past, remember that it was once a cherished part of your lives. So don't regret yesterday because it was once represented exactly what you wanted. Image credit:  dancingintherains

I remember something a friend said to me one time. What if our parents did pressure us to continually better ourselves? My parents never pressured me. In fact, no one ever asked me what I wanted to pursue. Perhaps that explains my complete lack of direction in life. Ask me where I see myself in ten years and I can assure you that I will not have a concrete answer.  I should like to think that I've become a little more wiser, but sometimes I don't believe that is the case. If anything, I've become a little more assertive. The truth is I've only been primed to react to anger and general rude behavior. I cannot tolerate anger or rude people, I always retaliate. I become quite aloof when someone cries or expresses genuine feelings. I just feel like I lose control of my composure because I don't know how to react to sincerity. I just panic and shut down. I suppose this is the next thing that I need to change.