Abstruse Musing

I had to sit down and carefully consider this for a few moments, when was the last time that I broke down? I recall it vividly, as though it were only yesterday . Sometimes my emotions come to surface and I can't contain them. Tears may erupt or I may just scream any profanities which come into mind. On Monday, both of those occurred. Honestly, I never feel particularly good when I have sudden outbursts of emotion. I try to be merciless and strong minded, I tend to hide behind that solid exterior a lot. I suppose I'm mindful of how people will perceive me. I don't see myself as a particularly grey person nor a person who doesn't want to be happy. This is my medium for expressing myself, I mean it's not like I get to do an awful lot of self expression whilst studying science. Canberra was, in essence, my escape from all things trivial. I was keen about seeing this plan coming to light, I even applied for accommodation two months ago. Sadly I won't have a plac

On the 13th of December, I did something both selfish and selfless. I guess it was really a matter of how you see it. My intention was to not waste time and hold the person back from far greater potential. And the truth is, gradually I've begun to forget every little detail. On another note, person A seems to have found new hope once again. I can forget about my plans on moving to Canberra, all campus accommodation has been filled up already. I've yet to make a decision about my plans for 2011. Lately it seems my group of friends are so troublesome, there always seems to be drama happening. I suppose sometimes we forget that high school was over and done with a few years ago. We can choose our friends and also choose who we want to keep in our lives. But I guess right now, all I've ever been sure of are those people. While some are probably best left to go their own way, I trust that they'll be just fine. The people I care about most are still here and I guess I wou

Things are starting to look a little better for me since I had asked that question with no answer. I don't wish to cling onto relics of the past and memories of what could never be. When the heart is filled with waves of deep void, we unconsciously seek to fill in those empty spaces. Immediate change may be difficult to deal with, but I know that this too shall pass. I learned to play chess yesterday at 1am, I'm sure it looked quite bizarre to anyone that saw us. Three people sitting at a 24 hour fast food place, all transfixed on a chess set and quietly murmuring to one another. We left at 4am when the cleaner politely kicked us out. Chess and gossip makes a fine combination, a match made in heaven. In the end, my friends are always the ones which matter the most to me. I've always placed them before relationships, I never want to be the type of person who puts a guy before friends. The heart can wait, it needs time to recuperate and time off to forsake. I have but one

Dear A, I never once stopped to consider that talking to you would be so detrimental. I've driven a person to lose all hope. You'll never see this because I never wanted you to. But I'm sorry. I thought we could remain only as friends. I mean it's absolutely normal that a guy and a girl to simply be friends. I gave you advice when you were down and when you were too afraid to approach that girl you liked. But maybe that was what triggered your emotions to blossom. To be absolutely honest, I only registered panic when I began to realize that you wanted much more than friendship. And in that prolonged state of sheer panic, I just disappeared. I was tending to whatever pieces of me that was left after August. I wasn't brave enough to chase after uncertainty just yet. I was trying to protect myself, that was clearly a selfish act on my part. Reading about your frustration has only caused my guilt to increase by threefold. Maybe we're both just as broken by the pa

At first when I met you, I thought you were blank. But then you changed my mind. Maybe I was right from the very beginning, you really are blank. I may have come off as rash by saying this to the person intended, but I mean't every single word. The person intended is the person that possesses that same Parker pen. I suppose I bought that pen because I wanted to remember the time when I truly believed I was virtuous. He once said that I was selfish because I could not share both my happiness and sorrow with him. If sorrow was what you wanted to understand, then I suppose my blog has become a prime example of that. I've written about the importance of taking risks, well I took the risk and I have an answer. Cold and consuming silence. I already knew that would be the outcome, but I guess I needed a shove in the right direction. You can continue numbing yourself senseless with alcohol, I'm done wasting my time. And so this is where it ends, there will be no more chroni

I had a bit of an episode today, maybe it was the heat or the stress... Perhaps it was a combination of all those and many other things weighing on my mind. It felt as though I was surely and slowly spiraling back into July. That month marked many disheartening events for me, it lead to many decisions which I've grown to regret. Conversely, those events also lead to much needed personal growth. I was cleaning my room and found that Parker pen, it brought back many memories. Some painful and some not so much. I walked past the display cabinets at the department store many times since August, my eyes always automatically searched for that pen. I misplaced that pen and decided to replace it a few weeks ago. Did I really want to buy it or was it for the memory of what once was? Honestly I can't answer that question, I really am too sentimental for my own good. Lately I have considered if I should say any more. I really wanted to the other day, but I could not allow myself to d

Seeing as Tumblr has been down for the whole day, I figure I may as well post here. Yesterday, I had a rather interesting conversation with a friend. Well it was really a series of messages we sent to each other. It certainly got me to think about issues on a much deeper level than previously. I don't want to continue regurgitating fragmented sentences. One of the most unbearable things in life, in my opinion, is silence. Whilst some contend that silence can be golden at times. I say differently.  The most terrifying aspect of silence is that it is solid, painful and often it is consuming. I chose silence over honesty. When we're children, people often tell us that honesty is the best policy. But honesty will not delight in your success nor will it alleviate your failures. Sometimes honesty hurts people, guilt only continues to manifest within yourself and grow exponentially. The most unfortunate event in life is when someone you know, becomes someone you once knew. My

The happiest event in my childhood occurred in the year 2000, three classmates and I tried out for the school dance group. It was great to be able to leave class and go to dance rehearsals, although the downside was giving up our lunchtime. Our teacher, Miss Plimmer, said that she would be taking us all to audition for the Olympics opening ceremony dance team. A small group of us were selected and we were really excited to be a part of something so big. The great thing was that we didn't have to attend school everyday. We came to school then hopped on a chartered bus to an old barren warehouse to practice. Sometimes we'd go practice very early in the morning, at other times we didn't go home until midnight. It was always fun to go practice because the choreographer told us to keep the details about our performance absolutely secret. I think we were all excited about the mystery surrounding the performance. We'd often find teachers and students asking us about where

I made this hideous cow in 7th grade in visual arts class. I was trying to make a cow out of the clay, but I guess it never quite turned out right. People told me it resembled a hippopotamus, but I insisted it was a cow. So I just painted it however I wanted. Call it artist's integrity if you may, but honestly it was simply me being stubborn. I kept this hideous cow on my study desk and I refuse to throw it away. It serves as my own personal reminder to not be so stubborn and to learn to accept constructive criticism. Now that I think about it, I've had this ugly cow for 9 years. I'm still stubborn, but maybe not as much as I once was. Criticism still is hard on the ears and heart, but I've become a little more accommodating to it. You could say being stubborn is only human, we're all a little stubborn to some degree. Although I do wish I had listened 9 years ago, it really does resemble a hippo. When I go back and read my diary, I've come to realize that I