Abstruse Musing

The science head teacher said I had her permission to base my toxicology audit at the new labs. I'm conducting the inspection on Monday morning and the audit is due on Monday before midnight. I hate dressing 'professionally', I feel so pretentious. Well at least I'll sound important when I'm wearing my heels and towering over everyone else. I really need to make my mind up about where I'm going next year, I kept pushing the thought aside deliberately. To Canberra, Queensland, or stay? Actually I could possibly add Newcastle to the list as well, I'm really giving myself a headache. But to be brutally honest, the thought of going solo and starting a new life seems much more enticing. I'll think about this seriously after my exams.

I am distracted, very distracted. I'm having a life crisis because my mad hatter costume hasn't arrived yet. Not to mention the toxicology audit it almost due. I've slept in so much I haven't had the chance to go back to high school to ask the science head teacher if I can conduct my audit at the labs. I must do that tomorrow, or I'm officially dead. I should be afraid, maybe I should start to panic. But I'm not and that is clearly the problem. I love how everything seems to be gradually spiraling out of control. I wish today was Tuesday...

I feel uncomfortable about talking about delicate matters so I choose to write. My writing is cryptic like a crossword, I dance about the topic. What I really want to write about is usually in a sentence or a word, I've done that since the beginning in this blog. The sad thing is that every new beginning is marked by the end of something old. I don't want a new beginning now, I'm still trying to figure out my own life.

I'm in bed waiting for the drowsiness to settle in. Lately I've found my dependency on the humble pill much more prominent. Honestly I'm stressed. The insomnia goes away sometimes. I suppose I have too much on my mind. I caught up with two high school friends over dinner. It was great to reconnect with them. They seem to have a vision of their own future and the courage to execute the necessary steps.I could use an adventure next year. I'd love to study economics instead of science. So Canberra or Queensland? I'm already wondering how I'd pack my entire life into a suitcase. All I need now is to reach a decision and summon the courage to initiate this new beginning. Somewhere in between hello and goodbye, I lost myself.

I wish I could have stayed angry forever because that would've been easier to do. I am a merciless critic and now I lack the courage to speak. I'll grow accustomed to this unsettling silence. I thought I had reached a decision long ago, yet unwavering hope continues to beckon me. There are words I cannot say, but that doesn't rule out the possibility that I could be thinking it. Great, I can't sleep again.

The noodle market was alright, not fantastic. My companion and I had a great time trying to find one another and then the venue itself. I don't think its nearly worth all the hype, unless you very seldomly eat asian food. Personally I didn't think it was that impressive, but food is food after all. When in doubt, follow the crowd. And so we did. This time that worked out well, minus the time we ended up following a bunch of tourists... But thats a story for next time. I was supposed to meet up with another friend at Hyde Park, but it seemed impossible to find her. I was rather famished when I arrived, I think I was pretty prepared to just grab someone's food and run away with it. But alas, I do have self control. I was told the salt and pepper squid was worth getting. So I waited in queue for 30 minutes, but it seemed like forever. I was so famished, but the wait was well worth it. The rest of the photos didn't quite turn out right so I'm not going to bothe

I wish I had one of these giant erasers. Its a quiet day at home. Relatively, until my Aunt came over and obliterated the silence. I swear she needs to tone down her voice sometimes. She sounds like a fish monger's wife. I was supposed to meet up with a particular friend to discuss business and life over lunch. But I decided it was best to drop those plans for today, I'm somewhat too embarassed to return to the restaurant she suggested we should go to. Tuesday nights have become notorious for tequila and vodka with a few of my girlfriends. We probably should've waited til we were sober before we went to a restaurant to eat. Jen and I pretty much fell asleep at the table for the most part, whilst the others threw up in the bathroom. I feel pretty bad about it. The gamer was angry, I was supposed to look after his girlfriend afterall. I'll be reminded of last night's events until the pain in my fingers surpass. Apparently I shut the car window on my own fingers,

Today is another grey day. I can hear the wind howling and beckoning outside. I've finally reset my sleeping patterns back to normal, its amazing what a night of tequila and vodka can do. In the space of two months, I've gradually found the opportunity for self growth and learning. My perspective on a lot of people and issues have changed for the better. Maybe we do grow a little wiser as we grow older.   I'm going to enjoy the company of those I care for, I've given up on reaching out to certain people for the time being. I don't want to pursue dead ends right now, perhaps the anguish of time will repair what is perpetually broken. So keep your thoughts positive and surely good experiences will come your way. Happiness is contagious.Ticklish pedicures, chocolate binge, shopping for heels and singing out loud in the car are all things which make me smile. I can't say my bank account is necessarily smiling at me right now.   Next to the university cafe 

Virginia Woolf's final letter to Leonard, dated 28th of March 1941. "...Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can&

I can't believe that the semester has gone by so fast already. From time to time, I think about where I want to see myself in the future... Somehow science doesn't seem to fit the criteria any more. I've thought this way for a while now, but I was stubborn to take the step to initiate change. A friend working in the lab has recently expressed her disdain for her newly acquired career, apparently lack of communication was the main contributing factor. I've missed out on seeing people I want to see because I slept in or fell asleep whilst getting ready to go out. I had a great time returning calls and messages. I've been waking up in the evening and sleeping in the early hours of morning. I've literally become an owl. One thing which annoys me is private numbers, how am I supposed to return your call if I don't even know who to call back? According to one friend, I've been in a comatose-like-state lately. I couldn't have said it better myself. Ther

I went off on a tangent, I'm sure that was evident in my last two posts. My feelings were genuine, but I gave up because of several underlying reasons far beyond my control. I'm still lingering in between, theres no doubt about that. The only difference between now and two months ago is that I've come to expect nothing out of you. I don't have the virtue of being stupid or silly right now. If I had the choice, I'd choose to be stupid. They say friends are an extension of your family, I say that is absolutely true. They're here through the thick and thin. When we get together, bystanders dislike us because we're obnoxiously loud. But I don't mind, this is just us. We're still the same through primary school, high school and even now. John Donne famously said, "no man is an island". That would definately apply to everyone, I guess we all need back up.

My sleeping patterns are really out of sync. I installed L4D again and played a campaign with a friend. My eyes hurt, maybe 5am wasn't exactly the best time to immerse ourselves within a virtual zombie apocalypse. I'm submitting my work late again, I hate that. The morning is so quiet, pure and genuine. I used to loathe being awake at this time, but lately I've grown so accustomed to this way of life. When I finish my late assignment, I'm going to hibernate until the next day. A psychology graduate once told me that I have an identity problem, I thought nothing of it and merely scoffed at his poor choice of words. Ten piercings later, maybe I do have an identity crisis. Despite what he said, I'm still going to get my eleventh one after my exams. This is me writing on 30 minutes of sleep (give or take a few) in the course of two days. I think I'll take a nap and resume highlighting those dreaded journal articles. Perhaps I'll make a bonfire out of the piles

I've been trying to mend what has been perpetually broken, I've had some success. With each story of success, there always follows the story of failure. There are still other people I no longer have the courage to pursue. I suppose the saying is true. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. For everything you have gained, you have lost something else.  Merely standing by and waiting for things to fall into place seems so detrimental to personal growth. This is the second night in a row that I'll have no sleep. I find I write much fluidly whilst in a drowsy stupor. The downside is that I get very easily distracted in this state. ...Just superb, I spent the last 40 odd minutes falling in and out of sleep at my computer. I think its a sign that I must sleep soon. There is so much to be done, I'd rather stay busy than be reminded of what I left behind.

This is another night spent writing reports, I've grown to loathe this. I'm basking in the silence and tranquility within these walls. Journal articles scattered here and also there, I just want to stop thinking for a moment and just listen to my own thoughts. Sometimes silence isn't so bad. I remember a few years ago, I saw a young boy in a wheelchair. His eyes were curious, bright, bold and deep azure. People saw him differently because he had both his legs amputated. He used to watch me running up the street whilst I rush to the station. His smile although small, was always reassuring to me. Sometimes we overlook the simplest thing that we have and take it for granted. The timid boy with sandy brown hair once told me that he wanted to feel the air coursing through his hair, as though he was flying. I saw him the other day whilst I was on my way to the doctor. This was a boy once confined to his humble chair, but now he was on a scooter. He used one hand to steer and

I guess it is true, we only remember what we want to remember. I've already lost count of the days since things started to go wrong. I'd like to believe that I'm not affected, but other days I just can't. I only want to remember the happy memories, but I don't want to forget the unhappy memories either. The story would never make sense if there were segments completely omitted. We learn to appreciate what we have once we've experienced the sorrow of losing what is important. Right now I don't want analysis or questions, I only want to go forward at my own pace.