Abstruse Musing

"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved."  I saw that in a friend's blog and thought it seemed rather relevant. I'm quite dysfunctional when it comes to expressing feelings. To love is essentially what makes us human. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, love is pretty foreign and strange to me. I never really reacted well when someone expressed their feelings for me. I always panic, even if the feelings were mutual. I harbour feelings for a certain friend, but I'd rather these feelings never be known. I don't want to make things awkward. These feelings were almost reciprocated. But as usual, all I did was panic and shut down. Although sometimes I wonder what it could've been like if I didn't panic. Then I remember it does not do well to dwell on the maybe and what if's.

I'm starting to feel the effects of the Avanza, I'm quite relaxed and drowsy. I felt like writing, just for old time's sake. I'm feeling quite sentimental lately. I miss H, I try to avoid talking about it. I remember H was a rather distant person, I understood that perfectly. We were similar in that sense. Either one of us would disappear for days, weeks or even months. Then we'd meet up and pick up from where we last left off. Then one day I met H's father at a family gathering, he had returned. He seemed like a genuine person, quite open and talkative. I felt so relieved and happy at the same time for you. I thought to myself that you'll finally have a complete family. I believed she didn't have to look after her family by herself. But comfort can be so deceptive. Her father disappeared from her life again. Slowly and surely, her life fell apart piece by piece. I haven't seen nor heard from her in well over a year. Sometimes I wonder how she is

I was awoken early in the morning by a text message. It was from a person I haven't spoken to in a long time, a person who has simply been forgotten. I read the message whilst in my drowsy stupor and promptly went back to sleep. Getting more sleep was my priority, everything else seemed irrelevant.  By the time I had woken up, I thought it was all but a mere dream. Against my better judgement, I checked my message inbox. Sure enough, there it was. I didn't know what to do. I thought to myself that I am a mature adult and that all has been forgiven. When I say forgiven, I mean that it is all behind me. I do not hope for anything to happen.  I once considered changing my phone number. But then I thought, what if this person wanted to contact me one day? Now I wish I had because I wouldn't have to deal with the sort of disappointment that comes with these unexpected attempts of communication. Today I am no longer disappointed, all that I feel is apathy. I expect nothing

I went to visit the doctor today, she prescribed Avanza again. I didn't buy them last time, but I did now. I need proper rest. That's the undeniable truth, perhaps I haven't gone about achieving it in the most natural way. My justification is that I haven't bought any in a long time. There are some nights where I'm back to staring out the window. I don't know if I should welcome the insomnia or not. I feel like this is now a part of me, it's been an ongoing struggle since high school. I hardly ever went to school during my senior year in high school. I'd turn up when I felt like it. I developed a bit of a reputation for being late to school and absent. Despite all that, I tried to forge ahead. Close friends knew how much I struggled with it. I'd see the sun rising, not because I woke up early. But rather, I saw day break due to my inability to sleep. When I grew tiresome of staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I'd go outside for a jo

I’ve known P for five years now and I consider her as one of my closest friends. We confide in each other when we’re unhappy and angry. I knew exactly when P had fallen in love with someone from work. I saw the look in their eyes and I immediately knew that something had happened between the both of them. I was genuinely happy for them, they looked so virtuous together. But I’ve learned that where there are people, there will always be talk. And so talk within the workplace spread and eventually took it’s toll on their relationship. No one at work knew about it, so they ended it quietly and swiftly.  P and I had each other when things went sour in our relationships. For P, it was the very first time she fell unconditionally and irrevocably in love with someone. The difference between our situation is that I did not have to see my ex at all. P had to go in to work with a brave face and pretend that they never happened.  A year from then, she told me she still loves him. She knows that