Abstruse Musing

Sometimes I fear July will happen again, today that fear has been revived. The truth is I have nothing positive to write about on this particular day. So if you'd rather not read this, then that is absolutely fine by me. I hate my dad, I've hated him ever since my childhood. I believed the world was a terrible place because of him. Asian parents seem to believe abusing their children is discipline , but I contend. My dad is by far the most selfish person I have ever come across in all 22 years of my life. He'd use the computer for leisurely reasons and refuse to let me do my assignments. Have you ever heard of someone crying because they can't do their assignment or homework? That was me and my sister.  I was only ever able to do work at night and I soon developed problems with sleeping. I let go of my ego and asked my cousin for a job, I had to do it. I have no security in my life, it has always been this way for me. I just have no hope today. I'm still sick and

It's now 2:14am, I should be asleep but I'm not. The mid semester break is over, which is quite a pity. I spent my break and birthday being sick. At least I didn't have to go to class. This leaves me with a lot of work to catch up on. I've got two assignments and a test next week. I'm not looking forward to any of those drab assessments. At least I spent my birthday with friends and family (not to mention the bacteria). It's the first time I had two cakes for my birthday. The day was fun and I was genuinely happy. I'm not one that likes attention. I like to keep my birthday small and enjoy it with good company. I never particularly warmed to clubbing or getting myself pathetically drunk. You may perceive me as boring, but I won't do something unless it really is worth my time. My friend's wedding is this weekend. Most people are excited by the very idea of a wedding. To me, it's literally a painful experience. I've been considered tall f

Here I was playing a game on xbox when a close friend invited me to have coffee with him and two others. When I'm gaming, I guess I don't really pay attention to what people are saying. Naturally, I agreed. When I hung up, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. The reason being is that I'm not on good terms with one particular person. I said I wanted to see changes in myself, so I went.  Perhaps by now our mutual grudge has dissipated with the aid of time and space. It was nice to have seen Friend B under different circumstances. I guess our personalities really clashed when we were in the lab together. Without all that tension, I got along well with that person. If you make the decision to commit to change, you must take the necessary steps to get there.  We discussed one thing in particular, it really made me think. Perhaps the people we know, are not exactly what they seem to be. My perspective on a certain individual has tarnished a little following our talk. I guess

This week is the mid semester break, I have much work to catch up on. I still have to figure out what sort of present to buy for a friend's wedding.I tried to wear heels out the other night, I ended up bare foot for a short while. I'm trying to be a little more enthusiastic. But the thought of wearing heels and a dress, sounds more like a painful experience. I've learned a few things during these past few months. Don't make promises when you're happy, don't make a decision when you're sad and don't speak when you're angry. I used to do all of these, but I'll be a little more wise about it now. Distinction in assessments is not nearly sufficient, I need to consistently do well. I live in constant fear of failure and retribution. I'm trying to change; not for anyone else, but for myself.

In 5th grade, I asked my best friend what her future aspirations were. She confidently replied, "I want to get married and have children." I was puzzled by this and inquired, "You'd be satisfied with just being a housewife?" When everyone dreamed of marriage and children, I dreamed of everything but that. I wanted to be a scientist, dermatologist, lawyer, or entrepreneur.  My aspirations for the future may be a little different now, but what I didn't dream of remains the same. Growing up in a broken home has ultimately led to my disdain for marriage and children. I'm afraid to commit the same mistakes as my parents. My parents didn't dream of the things I dreamed about when they were 10. I'm sure this is not the life my mom wanted, she wanted to explore the vast possibilities that life has to offer.  I respect other people's values and principles, but don't expect me to be on the same page as you. It's essential that we have goals

This is something I would never say to someone face to face, so here is the truth. Happiness is not found in a pill or miracle drug. Following the events from last July, I reached a very low point in my life. I gave up on two things which were important to me, and sometimes that truth continues to haunt me in my wake. When my doctor wrote me a prescription for Avanza, I was really perplexed. I stared at this prescription, not knowing what to do. I kept questioning myself if I was depressed and what it actually mean't. There was a time when I couldn't get out of bed to do something as simple as go to class. During those times, I put my thoughts to pen and paper. If it hadn't been for the support of friends, I might not have recovered so soon. If you're reading this, thank you for being there. Honestly, I'm in a better place now than I was last July. I think we all have our own problems in our very private lives. Some are willing to talk about it, whilst some prefe

I'm not perfect. I had a grey childhood and I never particularly warmed to my father. Honestly, every relationship I've had has ended the same. When I find out the person was sincere towards me, all that I registered was a state of sheer panic. It's not that the feelings weren't mutual, I just have a morbid fear of commitment. I can't even bring myself to talk about this, so here I am writing. I feel obliged to stand up against anyone remotely hostile or plain annoying because they remind me of my father. Perhaps I am fast becoming the one person that I despise. This part of me certainly isn't the change that I wanted to see in myself. Perhaps 5 subjects was a little too overbearing, naturally I dropped one subject. Whatever feelings I had or have could never possibly transcend time and distance. Sometimes I wonder if this is just me being bitter about the outcome. I was fearful that I was moving so slowly, I was so petty minded to believe that. The greatest