Abstruse Musing

I've thought about going abroad for a long time. I'd live in a city where no one knows me. I want to be free to dream without knowing boundaries. A friend told me about her experience with helping to build villages and teaching children english. I'm so drawn to that ideal. I knew it was something I want to do, even when I was in primary school. But responsibility holds me back. This emancipation that I've been fixated with over the years, is essentially, an elaborate plan to escape all my problems. No matter how the dream changes, one primary factor remains. The chance to start anew has always been enticing.

I find myself in an all too familiar setting. It's 1am and I'm working on an assignment, again. Except, unlike last night, I do not plan on sleeping. My sister is back home tonight, it's nice to have her around every now and then. I look forward to the end of tomorrow, I just want to sleep. I'm no longer nocturnal but sometimes I require a sleeping pill to fall asleep. My mind is most active at night, I've grown so accustomed to thinking at strange hours of the night. Lately, I've pondered about Canberra again, the thought of escaping everything is enticing. I know that is no reality, yet my mind continues to wander. I don't know what I want to escape, maybe all of this. We spend so much time worrying about money, health and relationships. If only these complications only existed within our minds. As I age, I've realised that life isn't a fairytale. No one is going to save you, you must be the one to save yourself. When you've lost sight of y

I haven't written here as often as I once did. When I visit this long forgotten page, I like to read about my own thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it really is my own experience I'm reading about, I feel as though I'm disconnected. Even though I've neglected this medium, I always will be back. I was reading about September 2010, I feel as though not much has changed since then. Slowly and surely, the insomnia is returning. I bought the Avanza that the doctor prescribed, I feel fine when I take them. I try to not take them, but that just leaves me imbalanced. Perhaps its time to speak to a counsellor again. I know now that seeking help is not considered to be an embarrassment. I just don't feel right every now and then. I think of the past and of what I should have done. I'll never forget last Saturday, it was a truly traumatic experience at work. I heard footsteps, a soft thud, followed by silence and the anguished screams of a mother. A little boy collapse