when life and death embrace



I haven't written here as often as I once did. When I visit this long forgotten page, I like to read about my own thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it really is my own experience I'm reading about, I feel as though I'm disconnected. Even though I've neglected this medium, I always will be back. I was reading about September 2010, I feel as though not much has changed since then.

Slowly and surely, the insomnia is returning. I bought the Avanza that the doctor prescribed, I feel fine when I take them. I try to not take them, but that just leaves me imbalanced. Perhaps its time to speak to a counsellor again. I know now that seeking help is not considered to be an embarrassment. I just don't feel right every now and then. I think of the past and of what I should have done.

I'll never forget last Saturday, it was a truly traumatic experience at work. I heard footsteps, a soft thud, followed by silence and the anguished screams of a mother. A little boy collapsed mere meters away from me. His glass eyes stared blankly ahead, unwavering and still. I was petrified. All I could hear was his mother, screaming and crying. Thankfully paramedics revived the toddler. He woke up and cried. So did I.

I realised that life was ephemeral. Is this how H feels? There are so many things I wish I could say to certain people, yet I choose not to. I have the courage to be antagonistic and hostile when I need to be. But I no longer possess the courage to say what is needed. Sometimes we lose a part of ourselves, we fight and struggle to find it. But one day, we realise that it is gone with the wind and no longer a part of us.

Image credit: akira4444

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