speaking silence


I had a bit of an episode today, maybe it was the heat or the stress... Perhaps it was a combination of all those and many other things weighing on my mind. It felt as though I was surely and slowly spiraling back into July. That month marked many disheartening events for me, it lead to many decisions which I've grown to regret. Conversely, those events also lead to much needed personal growth.

I was cleaning my room and found that Parker pen, it brought back many memories. Some painful and some not so much. I walked past the display cabinets at the department store many times since August, my eyes always automatically searched for that pen. I misplaced that pen and decided to replace it a few weeks ago. Did I really want to buy it or was it for the memory of what once was?

Honestly I can't answer that question, I really am too sentimental for my own good. Lately I have considered if I should say any more. I really wanted to the other day, but I could not allow myself to do so. To express your feelings is to risk rejection, to speak your thoughts is to risk being judged. One can tread about very carefully in their life and commit nearly no mistakes. But how can one say that they have lived, if they never took a risk?

One last exam to go, I haven't done nearly enough studying as I should have. Quite frankly, I'm more interested in the Christmas festivities with friends than studying. Life is governed by those who hold you together when you lack courage, my friends are the bricks and mortar that keep me standing. I don't really know what will happen in the not so distant future, but I'll live each day pondering until I have a concrete answer.

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