Abstruse Musing

There is a reoccurring thought to go exploring, I really want to finish studying and just go travelling. It's great to see so many friends graduate, yet sometimes I feel disheartened by the thought that I still have to dedicate some more time towards my studies. At times, I find myself regretting my lack of planning for the future. I cannot simply say that I couldn't see a future for myself, that is not reason enough. Whilst I deeply regret my apparent lack of future planning, I don't regret meeting the people I've come across. They've made the journey so much more appealing and comforting, I stayed so I could feel secure. And I suppose the need to be secure was the true reason for my downfall. I wish I had made the changes sooner, but I just wanted to be within the confines of what is familiar. Even now I find myself missing the familiar white (sometimes stained with crystal violet) lab coat, the micro pipetter and the immaculate glass apparatus. I'm major...

The general consensus is that everyone enjoys birthdays, particularly their own. I'm quite indifferent when it comes to my own birthday, but I'm excited about attending other people's birthday get togethers. I guess I don't really like my own birthday, I'm not worried about ageing just yet. My grandfather passed away a few years ago, coincidently his death was a fortnight before my birthday. I remember spending many days leading up to my birthday and after just grieving. I didn't come to terms with his death for a long time. I remember crying on a few birthdays after his death, but always in private. I've come to accept his passing yet I still cannot warm to the very idea of my own birthday. I suppose I look forward to the birthday cake. Theres some comfort in seeing everyone huddled around the lit candles, smiling and singing. Everything else is rudimentary. There are people we meet that enrich our lives, I think I have found these significant people....

I went to visit the doctor today, she prescribed Avanza again. I didn't buy them last time, but I did now. I need proper rest. That's the undeniable truth, perhaps I haven't gone about achieving it in the most natural way. My justification is that I haven't bought any in a long time. There are some nights where I'm back to staring out the window. I don't know if I should welcome the insomnia or not. I feel like this is now a part of me, it's been an ongoing struggle since high school. I hardly ever went to school during my senior year in high school. I'd turn up when I felt like it. I developed a bit of a reputation for being late to school and absent. Despite all that, I tried to forge ahead. Close friends knew how much I struggled with it. I'd see the sun rising, not because I woke up early. But rather, I saw day break due to my inability to sleep. When I grew tiresome of staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I'd go outside for a jo...

I've been told my recent outbursts of sarcastic and aggressive comments were caused by some issue bothering me. I do seem to have a fair few things weighing on my mind. For each time I want to say something derogatory or sardonic, I need to stop to consider other people's feelings. I wasn't offended by the advice, but it did make me think twice. Yesterday, two things happened to me. I took the initiative to listen to some advice and I was presented with the opportunity to forget all about August. I should run with the opportunity but I hesitated. Comfort can be so deceptive. I forgot the sound of that particular voice. But upon hearing it, I was left to confront the memories on my own. I haven't been too attentive to other people's feelings. I might have the courage to stand up to people but I don't have the courage to express my inner most thoughts nor feelings. I'm not looking forward to next Friday, it marks the start of my first exam. At least next ...

I didn't bother going to the doctor on Saturday. I'm going to brush it off and assume it's just about the antibiotics. Honestly, I slept in until 4pm. I couldn't be bothered to make the trip to the clinic. And as for my cousin, he needs someone to fill in a couple of days of work. I appreciate the opportunity, but I have doubts whether I'd fit in. I'm not particularly fluent in speaking mandarin and most of the employees there are fluent. I spoke to my friend who had just recently got married, I missed her wedding since I was sick. She invited me and a friend over to meet her family, I'm rather looking forward to it. She sounded really happy and told me that there were sparks between two people at the wedding. I wonder how that will go! Today my  friend  from university told me she was getting married in June. I was really excited, seeing as I missed my other friend's wedding. I know I haven't been exactly sure with what I wanted to do. But I kn...

Exam timetables have been released, I'd say it's looking alright. I'm still putting together a present for Mother's Day, I haven't worked on it as much as I would've liked to though. I keep a planner and I can't even remember when I have to complete things by. I guess writing in it is a good idea, reading it every now and then is even more important. I was half asleep when the receptionist at the doctor's clinic called today. I'm sure she could tell I had only just woken up. I asked her if she knew why I the doctor had asked me to see him, she said she didn't know. I shouldn't think too much, he's probably checking to see if I've recovered after taking antibiotics. I'd like to think that, but I don't think that's the reason. I should stop scaring myself and just drop by the clinic on Saturday. P.S. I'll be changing my blog address at the start of July, I'll keep you guys posted.

It's now 2:14am, I should be asleep but I'm not. The mid semester break is over, which is quite a pity. I spent my break and birthday being sick. At least I didn't have to go to class. This leaves me with a lot of work to catch up on. I've got two assignments and a test next week. I'm not looking forward to any of those drab assessments. At least I spent my birthday with friends and family (not to mention the bacteria). It's the first time I had two cakes for my birthday. The day was fun and I was genuinely happy. I'm not one that likes attention. I like to keep my birthday small and enjoy it with good company. I never particularly warmed to clubbing or getting myself pathetically drunk. You may perceive me as boring, but I won't do something unless it really is worth my time. My friend's wedding is this weekend. Most people are excited by the very idea of a wedding. To me, it's literally a painful experience. I've been considered tall f...

The first week back to university can be summed up in three words. Drab and repetitive. I feel as though my week has been quite lacking, which is why I've only attended half my classes this week. I grew tiresome of listening to lecturers drone on and on about the transition from high school to university and how to access online material. Today I finally made the trek to Double Bay. It was well worth the travel, I absolutely adore the atmosphere there. If I should have a spare $2.4 million, I shall move there! But in all honesty, I'd love to just move away for a few years. I'd like to start off with a clean slate, once again. Live another life in a country where no one knows me. Sometimes my mind still wanders. Let what has passed, become the past. I have to be mindful of that. Time has indeed been a luxury as of late, but all that will change today. I already have an essay due and many readings to catch up on. I miss being on the north campus and wearing jeans. I'...

I went to the agricultural campus yesterday to attend a revision class. Honestly I didn't want to go, it was a grey day and I didn't sleep that night. But I wanted baklava and I wanted to visit the plant nursery near the campus, so I told my friend I'd come. The one hour train ride was somewhat therapeutic. Grey sky, rolling green pastures and the occasional appearance of farm animals. I always feel content when I randomly decide to visit this campus, maybe seeing all that green made me feel at ease. The class was well worth attending, I wish I had bothered to make the trek there every week. The class at my campus was alright, but not fantastic. People seem friendlier at this campus, a stranger in the class offered me their notes from last week. This was primarily where I wanted to go to. I'm in love with the plant nursery next to the campus. I was really excited the first time I went because they had Serissa foetida plants. They remind me of my long dead bonsa...

The science head teacher said I had her permission to base my toxicology audit at the new labs. I'm conducting the inspection on Monday morning and the audit is due on Monday before midnight. I hate dressing 'professionally', I feel so pretentious. Well at least I'll sound important when I'm wearing my heels and towering over everyone else. I really need to make my mind up about where I'm going next year, I kept pushing the thought aside deliberately. To Canberra, Queensland, or stay? Actually I could possibly add Newcastle to the list as well, I'm really giving myself a headache. But to be brutally honest, the thought of going solo and starting a new life seems much more enticing. I'll think about this seriously after my exams.

I've been trying to mend what has been perpetually broken, I've had some success. With each story of success, there always follows the story of failure. There are still other people I no longer have the courage to pursue. I suppose the saying is true. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. For everything you have gained, you have lost something else.  Merely standing by and waiting for things to fall into place seems so detrimental to personal growth. This is the second night in a row that I'll have no sleep. I find I write much fluidly whilst in a drowsy stupor. The downside is that I get very easily distracted in this state. ...Just superb, I spent the last 40 odd minutes falling in and out of sleep at my computer. I think its a sign that I must sleep soon. There is so much to be done, I'd rather stay busy than be reminded of what I left behind.

Yesterday was a fair bit of drama in itself. We met up with C (previously dubbed as H) in secret because a certain individual would be angry if he found out. Well he found out and he wasn't pleased. I tried to explain the reasons behind our decision to meet with C, but of course those words fell upon deaf ears. I know I'm skilled in the art of the disappearing act, it seems I've also acquired the ability to become invisible. I grow tiresome of explaining and talking to brick walls lately. Fear not, the drama has been resolved. But it certainly did bring on a new cascade of emotions for me. I'm trying to change. Its really unhealthy for one's own wellbeing to continue hating or being bitter. C has done no wrong to me, I just stopped communicating because a rift formed between C and a few friends. I chose to reach out to C again because I did not want to cut out a person which was one of the reasons why my university life was so enriching. Every time I walk to cla...

Falling asleep in the science learning centre. Molecular bio wasn't great, our PCR didn't quite work out. Hopefully the 3rd one will go according to plan. Sigh, organic chem practical soon. I just want to pass out and sleep. I barely slept last night, two hours of lying in bed can hardly be called a nap. I'll be glad when Friday is over and done with... I wish these reports will just write themselves, life would be easier. I could really use a coffee right now.

I had to go to Hawksbury again today to collect my experiment results, it was a good thing Tim had class up there as well today so I got a lift there. After my lab class, I met up with Tim and went to his lecture for forensic chemistry. It wasn't that bad, though it was hard to keep my eyes open in that depressing little room. I nagged Tim to take me to the nursery near the campus, for some reason I was thinking they'd sell venus fly traps. Well they didn't have them, but I did find something else... Serissa foetida ! It reminded me of my failed bonsai so I didn't end up buying it. I was quite tempted to buy the lavender plant but I don't have that much space to grow it on my balcony. Pity, I do love lavenders. Turns out the fellow running the nursery graduated with a major in horticulture at the university. He helped me pick out a plant to grow on my balcony. He pretty much told me the roses were for free and gave Tim a pot as well. I loved the...

The field trip wasn't that bad. I'm glad I ran into Olly and a few other familiar faces at the agricultural campus. We pretty much stuck together for our experiment, and I'd say it was good teamwork. I like visiting this campus, well I love the environment there. Its quite relaxing seeing all the grass and farm animals here and there. I discovered the scenery was best enjoyed whilst sitting in a covertible with the wind through your hair. The downside was super messy hair and untamed knots. Oh yes, I decided to help Pisan with her research by buying two cupcakes. Sticky date with caramel on top and a strawberry cupcake. Of course I shared the cupcake with Cindy. Pisan gets.... The lovely box! I can't wait to go to Adriano Zumbo's cafe with Pisan on Saturday. Yum... More macarons!

Met up with Jess, Tom, Tim and Sara last Thursday. Its been some time since we all got together, I'd say the last time that happened it was a little more than a year ago. I do miss old times when we all used to have lunch and just hang out at parra after classes. Good old times. Its as though things haven't really changed that much. We've grown a little wiser, a little more ambitious (sometimes) and maybe a little more zombie-like from all nighters (I mean me). I've been craving macarons at Baroque more often. Pisan said she has to do some research for her design assignment, coincidentally she is trying to collect packaging from pastry stores. Yes, this is good news for me and my sweet tooth. Perhaps we'll finally go make a visit to Balmain for macarons at Adriano Zumbo's cafe. I can tell I'm going to enjoy  pigging out  helping Pisan with her research... On the other hand, my research is killing me. DNA markers, PCR, Clostridium botulism, and benz...

Another crap day today, I hate Tuesdays. In fact, I hate weekdays in general. Molecular biology pract was a disaster, DNA bands didn't show up after DNA electrophoresis. Organic chemistry tutorial wasn't too bad, I semi enjoyed it. Mom seems a little better today, well she had made plans to get her passport renewed and try make it to the funeral (which is within the coming of days). Except one small problem, she can't make it in 2 days. So it is suffice to say that she will not be able to see her own mother's face one last time. I feel bad about that because if I was in her position, I'd probably live the rest of my life in much remorse. She asked me if she should even go back, considering she won't make it to the funeral... Cindy and I suggested she should go to pay her last respect to her mother. Sure she is getting cremated, but it doesn't mean she can't go. I don't know if what I'm typing makes much sense right now, afterall I am rather ...

Today started out with what seemed like a terrible day. You know the signs... The grey sky, the rain, and running absolutely late. I do have to admit immunology sort of intimidated me, it seems the level of standards have taken another step forward. I'm absolutely ridiculous when it comes to keeping a proper laboratory book. I've always found myself in trouble from the lecturer for scribbling down calculations or results on scrap pieces of paper. Oh yes, I saw Kate at the molecular biology lecture. She seems fine now, I think Peter is finally out of her system. We were discussing reproduction parasitism and how some female insects kill their mate. Kate just responded with " about time ". I didn't know if I was supposed to laugh or agree with her. This is what happens when Priya and I get bored in a lecture...  The rest of the evening involved feasting on some comfort food. I do love a good risotto when gloomy weather looms ahead. Good food, good company, bu...

It has been quite some time since I updated, so seeing as I'm at the library now I may as well write something. I've been thinking a fair bit over the past few days. Lets just say a certain opportunity arose, a rather good one might I add. At the same time next year, I'll be in Canberra. I got an offer to study arts and psychology. I guess it is a rather rash decision, but I can't see myself working in the science field. I may as well put down the science units I've done for advanced standing. Amy says Canberra is a rather quiet place, I guess I can't possibly get distracted there. The last time I went to Canberra was in 5th grade...

I feel somewhat fatigued. And I guess that is quite uncanny since I slept well over 12 hours. So turns out Friday was just another one of those regular bad days. The first indication would've been the looming grey clouds. I turn on the news at 6am and to my surprise dismay Sydney Bus was having a strike today. Okay panic. I catch the train to parra then catch the bus to the campus. I had no idea how I was going to get to the campus. I spent the next 5 minutes swearing in disbelief until my Dad woke up. Thankfully he offered to drive me to my exam. He drove like a maniac, I seriously thought I was going to throw up or something. So I made it there in one piece and just sat outside of the exam room to get some last minute studying done. I saw Sarah and Linda's lab partner (I can't recall his name, hes just an overall jerk). The test wasn't that bad, I was disappointed the bulk of the things I studied wasn't in there. I do feel very much alleviated. I can relax fo...