Abstruse Musing

I’ve known P for five years now and I consider her as one of my closest friends. We confide in each other when we’re unhappy and angry. I knew exactly when P had fallen in love with someone from work. I saw the look in their eyes and I immediately knew that something had happened between the both of them. I was genuinely happy for them, they looked so virtuous together. But I’ve learned that where there are people, there will always be talk. And so talk within the workplace spread and eventually took it’s toll on their relationship. No one at work knew about it, so they ended it quietly and swiftly.  P and I had each other when things went sour in our relationships. For P, it was the very first time she fell unconditionally and irrevocably in love with someone. The difference between our situation is that I did not have to see my ex at all. P had to go in to work with a brave face and pretend that they never happened.  A year from then, she told me she still loves him. She kn...

I don't cope very well with insecurity, I never have. Today I was paralyzed by insecurity, I completely broke down. I lost my wallet either during or after my lunch break at work. I couldn't find it any where, I've never lost something as important as my wallet. I just broke down in tears and stopped working completely. I was dysfunctional. I called a few friends to talk, just to keep me sane. Before that, I just kept walking around in circles and proclaiming all sort of profanities. I'm relieved two friends came to pick me up from work. Eventually my wallet was handed in to the information desk. Everything remained, all but the money. But that's fine. Today was indeed, a grey day I hated. I bought this owl at the end of my lunch break, the shop keeper told me it was for good luck. Maybe it was good luck after all, I got my wallet back eventually. I'm as stubborn as a mule. I grew up doing everything on my own, I rarely ever want help. I want to solve every...

Sometimes I fear July will happen again, today that fear has been revived. The truth is I have nothing positive to write about on this particular day. So if you'd rather not read this, then that is absolutely fine by me. I hate my dad, I've hated him ever since my childhood. I believed the world was a terrible place because of him. Asian parents seem to believe abusing their children is discipline , but I contend. My dad is by far the most selfish person I have ever come across in all 22 years of my life. He'd use the computer for leisurely reasons and refuse to let me do my assignments. Have you ever heard of someone crying because they can't do their assignment or homework? That was me and my sister.  I was only ever able to do work at night and I soon developed problems with sleeping. I let go of my ego and asked my cousin for a job, I had to do it. I have no security in my life, it has always been this way for me. I just have no hope today. I'm still sick and...

Tonight was a pretty messy night. I had one too many drinks then fell asleep in my own bathroom. The bad part is remembering that I still remember. I spoke to a good friend of mine shortly after my nap and surely I felt much better. Even though I've only known her for 4 years, it seems as though I've known her for much longer. There are things I talk about with her that I usually keep bottled up. If time heals all wounds, I wonder how much more time I need... I should sleep, its 3:53am right now. But I'm not drowsy after that very lady-like nap from earlier. When people were dreaming of making it big in the world of finance, law, science and business... I was trying to find myself. And I suppose I'm still trying to do that right now. It's funny now that I think about it. I used to laugh when someone told me they fell asleep in the bathroom. I feel so disheartened knowing that I still remember so much. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh at that memory ...

"The Nymph's reply to the Shepherd" by Sir Walter Releigh If all the world and love were young, And truth in every shepherd's tongue, These pretty pleasures might me move To live with thee and be thy love. Time drives the flocks from field to fold, When rivers rage and rocks grow cold; And Philomel becometh dumb; The rest complain of cares to come. The flowers do fade, and wanton fields To wayward winter reckoning yields; A honey tongue, a heart of gall, Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall. Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy bed of roses, Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies, Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten, In folly ripe, in reason rotten. Thy belt of straw and ivy buds, Thy coral clasps and amber studs, All these in me no means can move To come to thee and be thy love. But could youth last and love still breed, Had joys no date nor age no need, Then these delights my mind might move To live with thee and be thy love. ...

What sort of emotions should be registered when you hear a family member has passed away? I suppose the natural reaction would be sorrow. Yet I don't really feel that way, all I can register is ambiguity and the disappointment that I'd never be able to meet my grandmother.. Today my grandmother in Vietnam died, my estranged aunt in America told me over the phone. The first thought was my mother, who hasn't seen her own mother for two decades... I didn't know how I was supposed to break her heart by telling her that. The only sorrow I feel is from knowing that my mother will be in heart wrenching pain.

Its been a pretty shit day and I think my lack of sleep isn't helping. I think I want to strangle someone, namely my lecturer. He went off at me because I apparently left the lecture early last week to see the dentist. I'm sure thats great, but rewind... I didn't go to the dentist last week and I stayed for the entire lecture. Of course, being the egotistic jerk that he is he refused to listen. I was in a pretty crappy mood already, so yeah the waterworks just switched on and I left the class for an hour. Turns out a few friends vouched for me and he decided to apologise. He claims he was in a bad mood . Well thats nice to know, really. I think I've lost all respect for this man. But I don't care any more, I'll just do what I have to do and just hold my breath. Somehow I'm supposed to prepare for 2 practs which I have today, but I feel so sluggish after a nap. I'm completely disoriented and my eyes feel so dry. I just want to go back to sleep, I coul...

"Just think of it like a bandaid. Right off." - Jerry Seinfeld

Is the severity or gravity of the illness of such an extreme nature that the patient will/was not able to sit the formal exam? The doctor answered no, because he thought extreme nature was limited only to car accidents or being admitted into hospital. I refuted it means that the patient was unfit to sit the exam. Still he thought he was right. So I suggested that I step outside and call the student centre to make sure, he still insisted he was right. I called twice, and I was told my interpretation of the question was correct. Okay so my application for deferring my exam got rejected and I was advised to submit it again. I was so distraught it was rejected, but he seems pretty oblivious to that. "Oh your application got rejected?" Hi, I told you that twice today..? He still insists he is right, so I told him to write a little message on the application to state that I was unfit to sit my exam. Pity the answer to that question above is still marked with a cross on the respo...

I feel much better after talking to Donna today. I'm glad I made the decision to speak to her. I was really worried about making an appointment to speak to her. I didn't know what to expect at all. She has given me a lot to think about and a lot to rethink too. This nocturnal habit of mine is probably doing me no good and I'd really like to change. But it is too difficult to uproot a habit which has been apparent for the last 5 or 6 years. I told her I'd speak to her again after exams and we would work out a few ways for me to change my bad habits. I do look forward to doing that. So I finally dropped biochem 2 today and filled in a form to drop it without academic penalty. I don't think I'd cope too well with that subject. I felt like I was suffocating when it came to writing up my lab book. I enjoyed the laboratory work but I did not like writing up reports. I've had holistic reactions from my friends from biochem2. One actually supported it and wished s...

Everything tastes so bland, bland like cardboard. The only thing I can taste is the bitter aftertaste of medicine. I'm still as lethargic as ever, perhaps even worse today. My shoulders are aching. It probably wasn't a good idea nodding off at the computer or having 10 minute nap on the couch. So that essay was somewhat completed, I thought I would never complete this task. I still have to do my micro quiz tonight, patch up my biochem lab book and get working on the micro assignment. I wonder if I have time to sleep at all tonight. I was anticipating seeing J tomorrow but I'm not even sure if I can make it now. Don't get me wrong, I do want to catch up with her. Its just that I don't want to get her sick as well. I am a person that gets distracted very easily, I'm afraid I'll get too distracted and not finish everything in time. I must get my micro quiz done by tonight then, I better study and learn those pathways. Hopefully I'll look a little more a...