Abstruse Musing

I've really got to get working on that website I was supposed to be putting together. I sort of gave up after I failed to get my domain completely online, I hope to get it all pieced together after exams. I wanted another medium to share a few photos and recipes. For now, I've just been uploading the odd photo here and there on Flickr and Instagram . I've recently started a new job and I'm really happy to be there. The workplace culture is positive, everyone is very friendly and willing to help me out. I suppose I've always hated previous places I've been employed at because of the lack of positive workplace culture. I'm going to have to learn how to save my money, I really want to get an Olympus OM-D E-M5 for myself this Christmas. Sometimes I regret the time I've spent studying science, the content was interesting and I made some really good friends. But at the same time, I had no idea which direction I wanted to steer my life towards. I couldn...

I tend to fall prey to these turbulent cycles of motivation. One moment, I would feel absolutely productive and motivated. Without any word of warning, I could be completely indifferent. Today my lecturer emailed me my mark for my essay, I made the premature assumption that I would be disappointed with my mark. I started it a few days before the due date and somehow, by pure miracle, managed to regurgitate a little over 2,000 words. Much to my surprise, I got distinction for my rushed piece. I hope this motivation remains with me, at least until I finish all my impending assessments. The memories which we hold dearest to us, almost always return to us in dreams. It is strange how we can forget what once mattered most to us, I feel as though some of my memories have been demoted to feeble manifestations. But I don't want to forget how I came to become this person, so I keep writing here once in a while. Each time I revisit these pages of writing, I recall both definitive and de...

They say time heals all wounds, over the years of my existence I've become all too familiar with that ideal. Time enables us to rethink our actions and the consequences borne of them. We're angry, in denial, accept and eventually forsake. No matter how much time has surpassed, some things just won't ever be exactly as they once were. Aren't we all mourning for a time which has lapsed? I've longed for change in myself, I wanted to reinvent myself. As time went by, I realised it was everyone else around me that was changing and progressing. Whilst I find myself spiralling downwards, I feel as though I cannot amount to my own hopes for the future. The term the future  once seemed so distant and foreign, but the future depends on what I do now. With the start of each new year, I hope that each will be progressively better than it's predecesor. And so I make the same affirmation again, this year I'll be a better person. I'll work harder towards achieving...

Sometimes I still miss my lab coat, being in the lab and reading the occasional journal article. I'm a little homesick, I miss the sense of community amongst my fellow classmates. I haven't been back to visit because I don't really want to find myself reminiscing too much. Maybe I wouldn't even want to leave, I'd probably feel more at home there. I never noticed that I changed, a friend said I've become more ruthless. I dislike those who lie between their teeth and those who are two faced. To be absolutely frank, sometimes I'm a part of the vicious cycle. I'm not apathetic towards the feelings of others, I don't want to continually dance around in circles. If you want honesty and sincerity, then do unto yourself as you would unto others. The other day I had a nightmare that I had blood cancer, I was relieved to discover it was merely a dream. But it made me think, what if my life was to abruptly end today? What is preventing you from achieving y...

Happiness is a never ending quest for many of us. Some never quite find it whilst some spend their entire lives searching for it. Happiness is intangible, you can't see it nor can you touch it. You can't see all things with plain sight, sometimes you have to look much deeper than that.  The most common mistake that people commit is the presumption that happiness is something which must constantly be pursued. Instead of aimlessly searching, we should create our own happiness. Sometimes you must brave the dark hour of reason before you can appreciate all that is before you.  Friends are the very foundation of my entity. Without foundation, I would not exist. This is me writing to give thanks to those who mean anything at all to me. Some of them won't see this at all, but that's fine by me. Thank you for your counsel, encouragement and simply being there.  P.S I have no idea who those guys are in the picture above, but they sure made this a very memorable pict...

On the 13th of December, I did something both selfish and selfless. I guess it was really a matter of how you see it. My intention was to not waste time and hold the person back from far greater potential. And the truth is, gradually I've begun to forget every little detail. On another note, person A seems to have found new hope once again. I can forget about my plans on moving to Canberra, all campus accommodation has been filled up already. I've yet to make a decision about my plans for 2011. Lately it seems my group of friends are so troublesome, there always seems to be drama happening. I suppose sometimes we forget that high school was over and done with a few years ago. We can choose our friends and also choose who we want to keep in our lives. But I guess right now, all I've ever been sure of are those people. While some are probably best left to go their own way, I trust that they'll be just fine. The people I care about most are still here and I guess I wou...

Things are starting to look a little better for me since I had asked that question with no answer. I don't wish to cling onto relics of the past and memories of what could never be. When the heart is filled with waves of deep void, we unconsciously seek to fill in those empty spaces. Immediate change may be difficult to deal with, but I know that this too shall pass. I learned to play chess yesterday at 1am, I'm sure it looked quite bizarre to anyone that saw us. Three people sitting at a 24 hour fast food place, all transfixed on a chess set and quietly murmuring to one another. We left at 4am when the cleaner politely kicked us out. Chess and gossip makes a fine combination, a match made in heaven. In the end, my friends are always the ones which matter the most to me. I've always placed them before relationships, I never want to be the type of person who puts a guy before friends. The heart can wait, it needs time to recuperate and time off to forsake. I have but one...

Seeing as Tumblr has been down for the whole day, I figure I may as well post here. Yesterday, I had a rather interesting conversation with a friend. Well it was really a series of messages we sent to each other. It certainly got me to think about issues on a much deeper level than previously. I don't want to continue regurgitating fragmented sentences. One of the most unbearable things in life, in my opinion, is silence. Whilst some contend that silence can be golden at times. I say differently.  The most terrifying aspect of silence is that it is solid, painful and often it is consuming. I chose silence over honesty. When we're children, people often tell us that honesty is the best policy. But honesty will not delight in your success nor will it alleviate your failures. Sometimes honesty hurts people, guilt only continues to manifest within yourself and grow exponentially. The most unfortunate event in life is when someone you know, becomes someone you once knew. My...

Yesterday a friend called me and she was crying on the phone. I always knew there always were problems this person was facing, but I guess I didn't expect her to call me. I met this person back in first grade, it was an awkward introduction by both our fathers. I still remember how she was timid and hid behind her grandmother, whilst I was clearly distracted and examining my shoelaces. She came over to do her work for a while and asked if I wanted to go to the city with her. So I did, I didn't really want to travel an hour though. We just went to the night markets and ate a bunch of random food. She said I was like a big kid, I don't deny that. I was happy to see a cotton candy stall and teddy bears in a gift store. I don't act my age, but I don't mind. I called H the other day. To be honest, I had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to reach her. She rarely ever picks up her phone or answers texts. I was very surprised that she did in fact pick up her phon...

This is another night spent writing reports, I've grown to loathe this. I'm basking in the silence and tranquility within these walls. Journal articles scattered here and also there, I just want to stop thinking for a moment and just listen to my own thoughts. Sometimes silence isn't so bad. I remember a few years ago, I saw a young boy in a wheelchair. His eyes were curious, bright, bold and deep azure. People saw him differently because he had both his legs amputated. He used to watch me running up the street whilst I rush to the station. His smile although small, was always reassuring to me. Sometimes we overlook the simplest thing that we have and take it for granted. The timid boy with sandy brown hair once told me that he wanted to feel the air coursing through his hair, as though he was flying. I saw him the other day whilst I was on my way to the doctor. This was a boy once confined to his humble chair, but now he was on a sc...

The trouble is that each passing day isn't growing easier to go by, the little things still remind me of a person I shouldn't be thinking about (I guess we've all been through that before). I was supposed to meet Syl for lunch today, I opted to call a taxi. I stood outside and waited for that taxi for a sum of 20 minutes. During that wait, I called the taxi service to ask where my taxi was. The operator replied, "I guess the taxi driver is too busy and running late". I don't know why but that one sentence seemed like an allusion to what someone once said to me, I got somewhat emotional just thinking about it. Waiting for something you know that will never happen, I guess no answer is an answer after all. No answer is enough to dishearten me. I suppose I'm still holding onto that last glimmer of hope. Perhaps this is merely false hope that I'm clutching to, only time will tell. I remember Rachel and I would always sit next to each other at the piano...

I'm not exactly over it or indifferent, I have my good days and my bad days. This predicament seems contagious lately, I guess the curse of the tea party was true. I came to realize that Jess, Pri and I were having the same problem. Its ironic how we were so content talking about our significant other, things are quite the opposite now. I don't mind offering people advice even if I'm facing my own problems. You give and you receive. All I want is for you to be happy and I guess this ending will eventually lead you to that. I wish I could've sustained my hope, but the anguish of time is too hard to deal with. If I was stronger, I would've waited longer. I wanted to say more, but I felt like I talking to a brick wall. Maybe we'll talk when I learn to grow up or find some courage. The best option is one which leaves you with no regrets. It wasn't the best choice that I made, but I'll deal with the consequences. I know this will be easier to deal with w...

This title is dedicated to Suzanne. She mentioned the theme song for Frasier and I just couldn't get it out of my head for a few days. And I guess the song is correct, life is a bit like tossed salad and scrambled eggs. You can't unscramble scrambled eggs. Okay, so this is the last entry I'd write in a while. I've learned a few things about myself;  I've realised is that I'm horrible at cultivating bonsai trees because I forget to water them. Sounds of rain falling help me fall asleep (thank you Brit). I don't think about you, but you're always on my mind. I'm so emotionally attached to my teddy bear, it even has a name (yes, I'm really 20 years old). I've got to stop quoting Seinfeld because no one besides Cindy gets it. People think I'm obsessed with nail polish and fried icecream (thank you facebook). Feigned enthusiasm is really difficult to uphold and easily noticed when followed by periods of silence. I read novels more t...

Sometimes I lose track of just how much crap I keep bottled up inside. Sometimes I raise my voice and shout. Sometimes I just break down and cry. Today was one of those days. This evening was an evening I probably will not forget. It was an evening of holistic emotions. One which started with ambivalence, followed by anger, resentment, and much melancholy. After micro pract, me and Friend B didn't talk. We just made our way to the bus and sat alone. But I felt I should say something, so I texted telling her we needed to talk once we got off the bus. I thought it would not be wise to tell her off, since there is still group work to get completed. I merely stated I was ill last week and she shouldn't think otherwise. She contended she was not annoyed about that last week. Whether that is true or not doesn't matter to me. So we departed on a rather "good" ending, no bitter brawl. Little did I know, trouble was brewing ahead of me. This day was far from over. I wa...

I'm having major cravings for a caffeine beverage. I've opted to drink tea only now. My system is probably clogged up with way too much caffeine and chilli. But I would never give up on my beloved chilli, slight moderation should do the trick! Its ironic how I can change my mind so quickly without so much as a thought. I listened to you mumble a bit for 20 odd minutes last night. And for some strange reason, I actually understood what you were saying. Maybe I was actually paying attention this time because I yearned to hear you speak. I wish there was some way for me to see some reason to all this. The reason I seek is a reason to leave this all behind. I honestly don't know where to magically summon up my motivation. It seems my motivation is on a very long holiday and refuses to come back. I'm finding it hard to focus at home, theres just so many possible distractions at home. Today was my day off classes, but I've done everything else but hit the books. Maybe I s...

Today was the first back at uni. I wasn't looking forward to dragging myself out of bed, but somehow I managed to do that at 5:30am. Quite unprecedented, I know. Today was a very cold day, it was just another seemingly grey day looming ahead. I was quite frustrated because I wasn't able to do everything I needed to do in the morning on time. Instead of catching the 7:45am express train, I caught the 8:05am train. I guess I prefer to take charge with everything I do. But I shouldn't let that bother me, I'm sure everything will go according to plan tomorrow. Hopefully. I was lapsing in and out of thought whilst on the train, as I always do, and I happened to overhear a conversation. A guy was asking his friend how his internship was going, and the other asked how long he had until his degree was done. It sparked some more thinking for me. One responded, "I'm 6 months into my internship." Sometimes I wonder when I'll be talking about that sort of thing...