Abstruse Musing

There is a reoccurring thought to go exploring, I really want to finish studying and just go travelling. It's great to see so many friends graduate, yet sometimes I feel disheartened by the thought that I still have to dedicate some more time towards my studies. At times, I find myself regretting my lack of planning for the future. I cannot simply say that I couldn't see a future for myself, that is not reason enough. Whilst I deeply regret my apparent lack of future planning, I don't regret meeting the people I've come across. They've made the journey so much more appealing and comforting, I stayed so I could feel secure. And I suppose the need to be secure was the true reason for my downfall. I wish I had made the changes sooner, but I just wanted to be within the confines of what is familiar. Even now I find myself missing the familiar white (sometimes stained with crystal violet) lab coat, the micro pipetter and the immaculate glass apparatus. I'm major...

Recently I've been thinking about a childhood friend of mine, I often wondered when things started to go wrong. We were always together; we joined the choir, keyboard classes and the school dance groups together. Whenever people made fun of how clumsy she was, I defended her. I've always known how difficult things were at home for her, I've seen how tough her parents were. Slowly but surely, we drifted apart as high school progressed. A few years ago, I ran into her parents on the train. They were really disappointed in her, she didn't live up to their ideals. She was kicked out of her home by her own parents, I know her sister misses her dearly. I wish her parents would just accept her as she is. A little bit of parental pressure can be a good thing, but an excessive amount leads to rebelling. Today she has chosen to turn to illicit drugs, her idea of fun involves alcohol and a concoction of pills. It makes me feel so disheartened to see her like this and I know ...

I used to write here when I couldn't sleep or when something was bothering me. I'd like to think that has changed, so I haven't frequented here as often as I once did. Indeed the past shapes who we ultimately become tomorrow. But it does not do well to dwell on the past, particularly if you are reminded of not so pleasant times. Whilst these unpleasant times are essential to self growth and enrichment, I find myself slowly and surely forgetting. Planetarium reminds me of the past and the people which once inhabited in my memories. There are friends and alike who have gradually drifted away as time progressed. While I understand this is a natural part of growing up, sometimes I wonder if I should've done anything to prevent it. One day you realise something has gone amiss, but it is already too late to salvage what no longer exists. We constantly search, meeting disappointment along the way, then realise it can no longer be a part of you any more. I first heard pla...

Within the last month, I've come to realize that I'm no longer that same reserved person. I have no patience for stupid or rude people. When faced with such people, I always retort with sarcastic or derogatory remarks. I'm already considering applying for another job. It's natural that a person wants to set their goals at a higher point, this is one of those times. One thing I have the patience for is close friends. Much like H, the person I've been mentioning every now and then. I understand that H has problems at home so I don't intrude in her private life. I was hoping to invite her to one of our mutual friend's birthday gathering but couldn't contact her. Much to my relief, my friends ran into her today. I'm told she is fine and she might attend the gathering. Scrutiny is something we will all face at some point in our lives. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but it might not be the best course of action to follow. As we all know from the ...

As time and distance progressed, I forgot the finer details. What happens when one moment revives all these dormant and long forgotten memories? I thought I would never hear that voice again, I didn't know how to react. I don't want to confront the past, I no longer have the courage to do so. I don't think I should ponder too much on it. I need to wake up early to go to work. I might be left in charge of the report at the end of the day. I don't think I'm really ready to take on the responsibility. If anything, I've always despised responsibility. Maybe that's what separates adults from children, clearly I'm still a child.

Here I was playing a game on xbox when a close friend invited me to have coffee with him and two others. When I'm gaming, I guess I don't really pay attention to what people are saying. Naturally, I agreed. When I hung up, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. The reason being is that I'm not on good terms with one particular person. I said I wanted to see changes in myself, so I went.  Perhaps by now our mutual grudge has dissipated with the aid of time and space. It was nice to have seen Friend B under different circumstances. I guess our personalities really clashed when we were in the lab together. Without all that tension, I got along well with that person. If you make the decision to commit to change, you must take the necessary steps to get there.  We discussed one thing in particular, it really made me think. Perhaps the people we know, are not exactly what they seem to be. My perspective on a certain individual has tarnished a little following our talk. I gue...

In 5th grade, I asked my best friend what her future aspirations were. She confidently replied, "I want to get married and have children." I was puzzled by this and inquired, "You'd be satisfied with just being a housewife?" When everyone dreamed of marriage and children, I dreamed of everything but that. I wanted to be a scientist, dermatologist, lawyer, or entrepreneur.  My aspirations for the future may be a little different now, but what I didn't dream of remains the same. Growing up in a broken home has ultimately led to my disdain for marriage and children. I'm afraid to commit the same mistakes as my parents. My parents didn't dream of the things I dreamed about when they were 10. I'm sure this is not the life my mom wanted, she wanted to explore the vast possibilities that life has to offer.  I respect other people's values and principles, but don't expect me to be on the same page as you. It's essential that we have goals ...

I have always omitted a certain part of my history. I daresay I've kept it a secret for most of my life, I've literally only told three people the entire truth. People are often perplexed when I say I don't want to get married or have children. Like most people, I'm afraid of committing the same mistakes as my parents. A certain bully used to pick on me in primary school because I was so timid and withdrawn. In first grade, I learned to stand up for myself thanks to him. We continued to fight but eventually became friends. Conversely, it was all because of him that I learned to stand up against my dad. I stood up for my mom and sister, I felt I had to protect them. Sadly I never got the chance to thank the bully personally. He's in jail now. I always believe there is a good side in everyone. He said he wanted to look after his mom and beat up his father if he ever returned. I've always wanted to write about this, but I always hesitated. I'm not sure how...

What happens when the one that got away, came back? Well I'll tell you what happens. You reject them because they treated you unjustly. Well I'm just being overly dramatic here, that didn't really happen. When I was contacted a few days ago, I didn't know what to think or feel about it. As I thought about it more, I figured it was best to leave things as they were. Aren't you happier now? In all honesty, I just lack the courage to take another leap of faith. I may as well save myself the disappointment and sorrow. Today I received Jess and Dino's wedding invitation. I'm really excited about their wedding. She did say her mother (monster) in law is a very controlling and strong minded lady. I hope she doesn't end up marrying into a family like Marie Barone's. The Latin term cor  is the literal translation for heart . Cor  as in an apple core , it is the heart and central component of all that exists. I hope we can all summon the courage to speak o...

Honestly, I cringe whenever I hear that name or unit of temperature. My mind is plagued with things I should have said and things I should have left unsaid. But all these no longer matter to myself nor the intended. I still firmly believe that this is ultimately for the best. I'll convince myself entirely in due time. I won't have the luxury of time once the semester begins. I'm taking 5 subjects this semester so I really won't have time to ponder. I find it rather ridiculous that the world is more concerned with Justin Bieber's new hairstyle than the fact that an entire nation's freedom is being oppressed. It's disheartening to know that some people don't care that citizens of Libya are being killed for fighting for what they believe in. Will we become a generation of completely indifferent people? I hope that will not be so. I've moved around through different groups of friends throughout the years. Sometimes when you drift away from someone,...

When I was a kid, we did abseiling at camp. After that experience, my fear of heights did not alleviate but rather reinforced itself. It took a lot of courage for me to even climb up that cliff and look down at the nervous faces below. I stood over the edge of the cliff, leaned backwards and started taking a few steps down the cliff. Well the person in charge of the ropes sort of let out too much rope, so I went sliding down more than half of the cliff. I think I have every reason to be afraid after that. A friend and I decided to go to the fair, we came across the  chained carousel pictured above. The fear of heights was mutual between us, but we decided to give it a go. We sat down in the seats and noticed the children were unable to contain their excitement. We merely exchanged worried glances. I was concerned that the chain might snap whilst I was in mid air and I would be propelled to my inevitable death. What if I accidentally kicked the little girl seated in front of me...

I had a bit of an episode today, maybe it was the heat or the stress... Perhaps it was a combination of all those and many other things weighing on my mind. It felt as though I was surely and slowly spiraling back into July. That month marked many disheartening events for me, it lead to many decisions which I've grown to regret. Conversely, those events also lead to much needed personal growth. I was cleaning my room and found that Parker pen, it brought back many memories. Some painful and some not so much. I walked past the display cabinets at the department store many times since August, my eyes always automatically searched for that pen. I misplaced that pen and decided to replace it a few weeks ago. Did I really want to buy it or was it for the memory of what once was? Honestly I can't answer that question, I really am too sentimental for my own good. Lately I have considered if I should say any more. I really wanted to the other day, but I could not allow myself to d...

The happiest event in my childhood occurred in the year 2000, three classmates and I tried out for the school dance group. It was great to be able to leave class and go to dance rehearsals, although the downside was giving up our lunchtime. Our teacher, Miss Plimmer, said that she would be taking us all to audition for the Olympics opening ceremony dance team. A small group of us were selected and we were really excited to be a part of something so big. The great thing was that we didn't have to attend school everyday. We came to school then hopped on a chartered bus to an old barren warehouse to practice. Sometimes we'd go practice very early in the morning, at other times we didn't go home until midnight. It was always fun to go practice because the choreographer told us to keep the details about our performance absolutely secret. I think we were all excited about the mystery surrounding the performance. We'd often find teachers and students asking us about where...

I made this hideous cow in 7th grade in visual arts class. I was trying to make a cow out of the clay, but I guess it never quite turned out right. People told me it resembled a hippopotamus, but I insisted it was a cow. So I just painted it however I wanted. Call it artist's integrity if you may, but honestly it was simply me being stubborn. I kept this hideous cow on my study desk and I refuse to throw it away. It serves as my own personal reminder to not be so stubborn and to learn to accept constructive criticism. Now that I think about it, I've had this ugly cow for 9 years. I'm still stubborn, but maybe not as much as I once was. Criticism still is hard on the ears and heart, but I've become a little more accommodating to it. You could say being stubborn is only human, we're all a little stubborn to some degree. Although I do wish I had listened 9 years ago, it really does resemble a hippo. When I go back and read my diary, I've come to realize that I...

I took another random nap this morning and ended up waking up at 2:00am. I woke up and remembered the strangest thing. Beethoven's Ode to Joy. I woke up and remembered that song I heard many years ago in piano class. I wonder if I would have been different if my dad didn't take away my love for music, I was pretty much forced into quitting. Theres a lot of things that I'm forgetting and things that I've started to remember again. I still have a deferred exam in mid December, the failure rate is ridiculously high. I am in high spirits, I love how sarcasm never really translates well in text. As for Canberra, I'm accepting the deferred offer. It's my backup plan, so I'll go visit after my deferred exam. I used to have so many future career potentials when I was a child. I seem to have gradually lost each of them as the years progressed. I'll just take whatever life throws at me.

My dad threw out my Nintendo NES, I'm still angry. I loved the fuzzy 8-bit Super Mario and Zelda. I loved that I knew how to play Shadowgate when my otherwise far superior cousin couldn't figure out how. The 7 year old me loved the NES more than television itself. He has this habit of throwing out the old and replacing it with something new. Hell, my dad is old but I don't plan on throwing him out and getting an upgrade. It was in perfect working order and he still threw it out. What annoys me most is that he didn't even seek mine or my sister's consent before doing so. I'm just really attached to all things nostalgic and memories of the past. He can't recall if he threw it away or gave it to someone. Rage! If he gave it to someone, I want it back. If he threw it away, I'm going to get another NES and game cartridges. I'm having such a nerd moment here, Sheldon Cooper would be so proud.

Yesterday was a fair bit of drama in itself. We met up with C (previously dubbed as H) in secret because a certain individual would be angry if he found out. Well he found out and he wasn't pleased. I tried to explain the reasons behind our decision to meet with C, but of course those words fell upon deaf ears. I know I'm skilled in the art of the disappearing act, it seems I've also acquired the ability to become invisible. I grow tiresome of explaining and talking to brick walls lately. Fear not, the drama has been resolved. But it certainly did bring on a new cascade of emotions for me. I'm trying to change. Its really unhealthy for one's own wellbeing to continue hating or being bitter. C has done no wrong to me, I just stopped communicating because a rift formed between C and a few friends. I chose to reach out to C again because I did not want to cut out a person which was one of the reasons why my university life was so enriching. Every time I walk to cla...

The trouble is that each passing day isn't growing easier to go by, the little things still remind me of a person I shouldn't be thinking about (I guess we've all been through that before). I was supposed to meet Syl for lunch today, I opted to call a taxi. I stood outside and waited for that taxi for a sum of 20 minutes. During that wait, I called the taxi service to ask where my taxi was. The operator replied, "I guess the taxi driver is too busy and running late". I don't know why but that one sentence seemed like an allusion to what someone once said to me, I got somewhat emotional just thinking about it. Waiting for something you know that will never happen, I guess no answer is an answer after all. No answer is enough to dishearten me. I suppose I'm still holding onto that last glimmer of hope. Perhaps this is merely false hope that I'm clutching to, only time will tell. I remember Rachel and I would always sit next to each other at the piano...

I was still awake in bed at 4am, I couldn't sleep. I ended up waking up at 7am to get ready for basketball. Getting out of bed was a quest in itself, my eyes were glued shut. By the time I managed to get out of bed and get ready, it was time to leave. I barely had the time to eat or drink some water. It was a nice day, but I didn't end up playing for too long. Damn caffeine withdrawal symptoms. Couple that with lack of sleep, it is a fine combination indeed. I miss playing netball, but not so much the on court drama that comes with it. It was quite enjoyable to play defence this morning, it reminded me of netball days. Except I haven't played goal defence in a very long time, I had a bit of an accident the last time I took on that role. My own clumsy team mate tripped me over and I ended up landing on my knees, I think she should have tried that on the opposing team instead of me. I have a lovely scar on my knee to remind myself of that day, I don't think I've eve...

Things have been a bit stressing lately, I think I'm going to crumble. I think a lot of my thinking has been under negative light as of late and R got a glimpse of that last night. I suppose R was taken aback by my aparent disdain or lack of enthusiasm this semester. I hate family drama. I cannot stress how much I hate it. Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into some of these people... Can't you communicate without the need to elevate your voices? Canberra is becoming more and more enticing as the days go by. I'm going to go insane before the year is out. I miss when homework was multiplication tables and when drama was who borrowed my colouring pencils.