2020 vision

Here I am again, it has been 3 years since I last posted here. We all had so many hopes for 2020, but it has been disaster after disaster everywhere for countless people. I wonder what the world will be like when I frequent this personal place again. I hope we are all at a better place. Whilst the pandemic has been challenging, I have thought a lot over the past 6+ months working at home (I've lost track of time). 

I am resilient. But I think you can only be resilient for so long, it is a constant state of flux and you cannot be expected to be resilient for sustained period of time. I keep pushing myself to do more, be more and seek more. And so I'm here to admit that I'm not okay, but I will work on getting back on track. I am burnt out in both an emotional and professional capacity. I am at a crossroad. 

I may be facing a personal loss soon. I don't know if I have the capacity to try do anything about this, I want to but I don't know if I have the ability to fight if this is a losing battle. The thought is crippling me. I realise how melodramatic this sounds... I always believed we all have someone out there for us. What if we don't make it past this issue? Perhaps I need to accept the painful truth that I need to let you go. That instills a sense of fear in me. 

I used to write in this blog when I was a naive student, I recall writing about the grey people who marched off the trains to their workplaces. It never occurred to me at all that I would become one of those unhappy people who wished they were elsewhere. It is a little ironic now that I think about this at 3:54AM. I wish I could've told myself to live boldly and courageously when I was younger. 

It is now October and there is not much left of the year. I remain hopeful that we will eventually see a resolution to this pandemic in the future, I'm not sure how long that will take. What will the world be like? Life as we know it has irrevocably changed as a result of this pandemic. I hope by then, I do not carry these feelings of doubt and fear. I hope I am able to live boldly and courageously. Until next time (to anyone still out there)... 




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