Abstruse Musing

I went to visit the doctor today, she prescribed Avanza again. I didn't buy them last time, but I did now. I need proper rest. That's the undeniable truth, perhaps I haven't gone about achieving it in the most natural way. My justification is that I haven't bought any in a long time. There are some nights where I'm back to staring out the window. I don't know if I should welcome the insomnia or not. I feel like this is now a part of me, it's been an ongoing struggle since high school. I hardly ever went to school during my senior year in high school. I'd turn up when I felt like it. I developed a bit of a reputation for being late to school and absent. Despite all that, I tried to forge ahead. Close friends knew how much I struggled with it. I'd see the sun rising, not because I woke up early. But rather, I saw day break due to my inability to sleep. When I grew tiresome of staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I'd go outside for a jo...

I'm in bed waiting for the drowsiness to settle in. Lately I've found my dependency on the humble pill much more prominent. Honestly I'm stressed. The insomnia goes away sometimes. I suppose I have too much on my mind. I caught up with two high school friends over dinner. It was great to reconnect with them. They seem to have a vision of their own future and the courage to execute the necessary steps.I could use an adventure next year. I'd love to study economics instead of science. So Canberra or Queensland? I'm already wondering how I'd pack my entire life into a suitcase. All I need now is to reach a decision and summon the courage to initiate this new beginning. Somewhere in between hello and goodbye, I lost myself.

I've started to forget the tiny details, the sound of your voice and your laughter. The irony is that I haven't forgotten who those attributes belong to. This permanent silence will continue to prevail, but I'll say no more because I no longer have any courage left. Feelings resemble the stock market, you take a risk and watch the stocks appreciate and depreciate over time. I know I was supposed to write about things more colourful, but I'll get back on track with that soon enough. I've been so tired lately, this insomnia is really affecting me. I hate being awake and having to listen the never ending drone of piercing silence.  It frustrates me that I can't fall asleep until some hour in the morning or when I'm still awake and seeing the first light of day come through my window. Honestly, I think its time I go see my regular GP. I know its going to be a long wait, but that wait will be well worth it. I don't like wak...

I've been thinking and pondering, but I do believe I did the right thing. Sometimes disappearing is the best option, maybe it is not befitting for all situations... I see disappearing as the end and as means of protecting either yourself or the intended party. For the most part, I was trying to protect the latter mentioned. But I cannot deny that I also intended to protect myself, for I am merely a selfish person. I'm still having trouble sleeping, those pills aren't magic pills. I was awake til 5am last night, I simply could not fall asleep. Before I knew it, I was tying up the laces of my runners and out of the house. I had long forgotten the liberation of jogging admist the cool and crisp air, but that sensation was soon awoken. I once enjoyed jogging or going to the gym because I just focused on what I was doing and didn't have to think. One step at a time, I followed the winding pathways, ran across the barren roads and into the intr...

I finally went to the doctor for some sort of sleep remedy. They're not exactly sleeping pills... Well they're pills to counteract migraines and allergies but it does render a drowsy effect. I hope it'll be effective. The insomnia has been much more prominent in the last 3 months, there were a lot of matters which worried and disheartened me. I tried all 'natural' remedies, but none of them were effective. I put a lavender satchel under my pillow, listened to relaxing music before sleeping, exercise, and reading before I sleep. I was listening to the mp3 that Brit sent me many months ago. It was relaxing to listen to the rain falling and the xylophone accompaniment... I listened to the entire 29 minutes and 50 seconds, but still couldn't sleep. Well that's okay, I'm giving these pills a try. Mom had surgery, I went to visit her yesterday. She looked tired as the harsh lighting cast a shadow on her pallid face. She couldn't eat or drink without vo...