metus

I went to visit the doctor today, she prescribed Avanza again. I didn't buy them last time, but I did now. I need proper rest. That's the undeniable truth, perhaps I haven't gone about achieving it in the most natural way. My justification is that I haven't bought any in a long time. There are some nights where I'm back to staring out the window.

I don't know if I should welcome the insomnia or not. I feel like this is now a part of me, it's been an ongoing struggle since high school. I hardly ever went to school during my senior year in high school. I'd turn up when I felt like it. I developed a bit of a reputation for being late to school and absent. Despite all that, I tried to forge ahead.

Close friends knew how much I struggled with it. I'd see the sun rising, not because I woke up early. But rather, I saw day break due to my inability to sleep. When I grew tiresome of staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I'd go outside for a jog at 4am. Then I'd return home and promptly fall asleep in the armchair. I'd sleep a few hours or take a nap, depending on what time my lectures were, then go to class.

While none of that has happened in well over a year, it still remains as a constant fear for me. I can't seem to dismiss the thoughts and concerns in my mind at night. I hated it. Sometimes I wonder if I would be different if my circumstances weren't as they are. I'd never know that, so I choose to not dwell upon such unhealthy thoughts.

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