Abstruse Musing

I was told I needed surgery in a few days, it was a surprise to me. The anaesthetist saw me and commented, " I wasn't expecting someone so young ." I was upset by the time I got to the operating theatre, I was administered more relaxant whilst everyone present reassured me that I would be fine. I was sedated and aware of my surroundings, I heard the doctors commenting but I couldn't see what was happening (thankfully). It felt alien - I was an observer, a passenger and not quite present in the moment. Thanks to the experience of the operating team and advancements in modern medicine, I'm on the steady road to recovery. The last three weeks of my life seemed like a dream, still not quite present in the moment. I've reflected on my life, relationships, career and my hopes for the future. I still want to achieve more. The notion of happiness will always be a constant struggle of achieving some semblance of status quo. Happiness is an equilibrium, fleeting and...

Tonight I found myself pondering about the pieces of myself from the past. That one thought has led me back here, a very personal outlet that I haven't frequented since 2012. The world as I know it now is vastly different from my last entry from almost 4.5 years ago. I wonder if my thoughts from all these years is still being read by someone or if someone related to my feelings at the time. Fast forward 4.5 years later and I am immersed in the corporate world. I've experienced change, found my other half, aggressively pursued my career goals and learned the hard way that work-life balance is important. To me, this blog holds a special place because everything I have experienced from the first entry has made me more resilient.

Today the sky is blue, the wind whispers to the eucalyptus trees and there's not a sulfur crested cockatoo or Indian Mynah in near sight. I wish I wasn't home bound, I've been sick the last week. All I want to do is stay in bed, read a good book or listen to Lana Del Rey's alluring voice. But I have to write my essay, I've got to keep motivated and focused for just a little bit longer. I'm not really one to organize anything, I have in the past but I see it as somewhat of a chore. I was too lazy to organize anything for my birthday so I just hung out with certain people and made half assured promises to plan something. And it just so turns out that my two best friends, Tim & Priya, planned a surprise party for me. I've been craving for cheese naan and beef vindaloo for quite some time, so this was just perfect. There are times when I find myself reminiscing the times we spent in the laboratory together and those long lunches together. I miss ...

I value friends who have been there for me during times of need. The duration of a friendship doesn't necessarily reflect upon a person can be trusted, I hope I'll always have these wonderful people in my life. Sometimes these intertwined paths diverge, but they might rejoin once again. Sometimes I want to give up on H, but I just can't. Maybe when the time is right, you'll appear once again. I have to remain hopeful. I've become quite short tempered and I'm not embarrassed to display that in public. We were walking through a park tonight and some drunk teenagers were being, well teenagers. I don't really react well to antagonistic behaviour. I didn't even think twice, I just started arguing with him. I mean what degenerate decides to show everyone in the park his ass? Regardless of that, I won the argument.

I used to write here when I couldn't sleep or when something was bothering me. I'd like to think that has changed, so I haven't frequented here as often as I once did. Indeed the past shapes who we ultimately become tomorrow. But it does not do well to dwell on the past, particularly if you are reminded of not so pleasant times. Whilst these unpleasant times are essential to self growth and enrichment, I find myself slowly and surely forgetting. Planetarium reminds me of the past and the people which once inhabited in my memories. There are friends and alike who have gradually drifted away as time progressed. While I understand this is a natural part of growing up, sometimes I wonder if I should've done anything to prevent it. One day you realise something has gone amiss, but it is already too late to salvage what no longer exists. We constantly search, meeting disappointment along the way, then realise it can no longer be a part of you any more. I first heard pla...

I find myself in an all too familiar setting. It's 1am and I'm working on an assignment, again. Except, unlike last night, I do not plan on sleeping. My sister is back home tonight, it's nice to have her around every now and then. I look forward to the end of tomorrow, I just want to sleep. I'm no longer nocturnal but sometimes I require a sleeping pill to fall asleep. My mind is most active at night, I've grown so accustomed to thinking at strange hours of the night. Lately, I've pondered about Canberra again, the thought of escaping everything is enticing. I know that is no reality, yet my mind continues to wander. I don't know what I want to escape, maybe all of this. We spend so much time worrying about money, health and relationships. If only these complications only existed within our minds. As I age, I've realised that life isn't a fairytale. No one is going to save you, you must be the one to save yourself. When you've lost sight of y...

I admit I was ruthless two weeks ago. I retracted my few words and apologized. I did that not because I wanted to start again. Seven months on and we still remember these dormant feelings. Perhaps these stubborn feelings would've been completely eradicated if there had been closure.  To me, it no longer matters what either party said or did. I know that friendship is not an option now because I haven't entirely forgotten the history we once shared. The only hope I want to hold is the hope that one day your family would respect you and your career would blossom.  I spoke to a friend yesterday about it. Oddly enough we experienced the same joy, heartache, tears and closure all at the same time. We're intertwined by some sort of crazed fate. Today, I no longer feel burdened nor disheartened. Don't sit there waiting for everything to fall neatly into place. Be proactive and be the change you want to be.

The first week back to university can be summed up in three words. Drab and repetitive. I feel as though my week has been quite lacking, which is why I've only attended half my classes this week. I grew tiresome of listening to lecturers drone on and on about the transition from high school to university and how to access online material. Today I finally made the trek to Double Bay. It was well worth the travel, I absolutely adore the atmosphere there. If I should have a spare $2.4 million, I shall move there! But in all honesty, I'd love to just move away for a few years. I'd like to start off with a clean slate, once again. Live another life in a country where no one knows me. Sometimes my mind still wanders. Let what has passed, become the past. I have to be mindful of that. Time has indeed been a luxury as of late, but all that will change today. I already have an essay due and many readings to catch up on. I miss being on the north campus and wearing jeans. I'...

Tonight was a pretty messy night. I had one too many drinks then fell asleep in my own bathroom. The bad part is remembering that I still remember. I spoke to a good friend of mine shortly after my nap and surely I felt much better. Even though I've only known her for 4 years, it seems as though I've known her for much longer. There are things I talk about with her that I usually keep bottled up. If time heals all wounds, I wonder how much more time I need... I should sleep, its 3:53am right now. But I'm not drowsy after that very lady-like nap from earlier. When people were dreaming of making it big in the world of finance, law, science and business... I was trying to find myself. And I suppose I'm still trying to do that right now. It's funny now that I think about it. I used to laugh when someone told me they fell asleep in the bathroom. I feel so disheartened knowing that I still remember so much. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh at that memory ...

I guess it is true, we only remember what we want to remember. I've already lost count of the days since things started to go wrong. I'd like to believe that I'm not affected, but other days I just can't. I only want to remember the happy memories, but I don't want to forget the unhappy memories either. The story would never make sense if there were segments completely omitted. We learn to appreciate what we have once we've experienced the sorrow of losing what is important. Right now I don't want analysis or questions, I only want to go forward at my own pace. 

There is nothing quite like coffee at Mars Hill, I love the comfortable and warm feeling of that cafe. I adore the brightly coloured walls, filled bookshelves, chess board tables, walls adorned with aesthetically pleasing art and the inviting aroma of coffee. I could call this place home. A home of board games and coffee... It was nice to see Nesa again yesterday, its been quite some time since I last saw her. She is pretty much the only one I've kept in contact with since quitting my job two years ago. Another work buddy lives 10 minutes away from me, but I guess I didn't have too much in common with her. I miss gossiping with the Nesa and just talking about life, I'm glad I dragged my limp corpse out of the house to meet her again... ... plus I got a new view of the riverside. I felt bad that I came fashionably late and Nesa stood by the river waiting for me to arrive (my apologies Nesa!). I never quite noticed the serenity of the riverside, especially during this t...

The whole day at uni today felt somewhat unfamiliar today. Biochem pract didn't go too well... The 3 hour pract was mainly spent uttering words of profanity whilst I fussed over my results. Last night I stayed up late to prepare for the management tutorial, hoping to win the attention of the lecturer, Helen. Helen always found it to be strange that I was doing a third year management subject, and I was keen to prove myself to her. I've answered questions she asked in the last few lectures, it seems people were not too responsive in lectures. Today she noticed me, and I wish she didn't notice me. She made me team leader and had to direct discussions within my group of 7. I felt that was stepping out of my comfort zone, and I could not perform quite so well as team leader. I guess in the lab, most work is done independantly or with a partner. It was very seldom that we worked in a group with more than 3 members. Sure the experience overwhelmed me, but it was a good experienc...