Abstruse Musing

I admit I was ruthless two weeks ago. I retracted my few words and apologized. I did that not because I wanted to start again. Seven months on and we still remember these dormant feelings. Perhaps these stubborn feelings would've been completely eradicated if there had been closure.  To me, it no longer matters what either party said or did. I know that friendship is not an option now because I haven't entirely forgotten the history we once shared. The only hope I want to hold is the hope that one day your family would respect you and your career would blossom.  I spoke to a friend yesterday about it. Oddly enough we experienced the same joy, heartache, tears and closure all at the same time. We're intertwined by some sort of crazed fate. Today, I no longer feel burdened nor disheartened. Don't sit there waiting for everything to fall neatly into place. Be proactive and be the change you want to be.

Sometimes forgiving a person isn't such a bad thing. It doesn't mean everything will go back to the way things used to be but it just means letting go and moving on. During the time that the silence settled between us, I've always wondered how you were. Of course, I knew I could not permit myself to ask. Just being able to ask how that person was is suffice for me, even if it will be just the once. I'd like to think that I've changed for the better in the last 3 months. It may not have been significant, but I can see clearly now. I do feel happier knowing that I've been able to forgive and let go of bygones. One cannot live life simply proclaiming, woe is me . I deferred one exam, I'm not going to disclose why. I spoke to a friend's parents the other day. I was asked what I was doing with my life now and when I will be done studying. I could answer the first, albeit with a hint of reluctance. Yet I could not find an answer for the latter. I tend to a...

I wish I could have stayed angry forever because that would've been easier to do. I am a merciless critic and now I lack the courage to speak. I'll grow accustomed to this unsettling silence. I thought I had reached a decision long ago, yet unwavering hope continues to beckon me. There are words I cannot say, but that doesn't rule out the possibility that I could be thinking it. Great, I can't sleep again.

I remember ignoring a certain classmate when I'm upset with her. There was a certain girl back in kindergarten, I'll call her N (I sure hope I haven't already used that letter already). I can't remember why I was mad at her but she kept apologising to me. I recall crossing my arms and telling her that we were not friends any more and I would never forgive her. I totally forgot all about that until I saw her again in 7th grade. Old habits are really had to break, and especially if they stem from the early days of childhood. I still find it hard to forgive a person even at the age of 20. There was even a time that it took me 5 years or more before I could bring myself to forgive someone and actually say hello to them. Human nature is a strange thing. Sometimes we do not cherish what we have, we only realise the importance and true value of something until we've lost it. I tend to forget that I shouldn't ignore people when I get annoyed or mad at them. I guess th...