Abstruse Musing

I can hear the rain slowly falling upon the roof and the trickle of rainwater down the roof gutter. I felt a burning sensation from the antiseptic explode around my grazed knee. I have learned an important lesson, do not cross the road whilst you are tremendously drowsy. Thankfully there were no cars on the road, I picked up my belongings and limped home. It was just a bad week for me. I've secured myself a job over the holiday and I rather look forward to it. I plan to enter the  Canon Photo5  competition, I just haven't had much inspiration the last few days. I don't anticipate on winning but it certainly seems appealing. The competition seems like a great way to challenge one's perception, to be creative, to take something ordinary and turn it into something extraordinary.  I tend to erupt in sheer contempt when someone taunts me, I've learned to conceal that now. I find myself avoiding certain people and situations because I know I can't hold my ...

Dear A, I never once stopped to consider that talking to you would be so detrimental. I've driven a person to lose all hope. You'll never see this because I never wanted you to. But I'm sorry. I thought we could remain only as friends. I mean it's absolutely normal that a guy and a girl to simply be friends. I gave you advice when you were down and when you were too afraid to approach that girl you liked. But maybe that was what triggered your emotions to blossom. To be absolutely honest, I only registered panic when I began to realize that you wanted much more than friendship. And in that prolonged state of sheer panic, I just disappeared. I was tending to whatever pieces of me that was left after August. I wasn't brave enough to chase after uncertainty just yet. I was trying to protect myself, that was clearly a selfish act on my part. Reading about your frustration has only caused my guilt to increase by threefold. Maybe we're both just as broken by the pa...

I am distracted, very distracted. I'm having a life crisis because my mad hatter costume hasn't arrived yet. Not to mention the toxicology audit it almost due. I've slept in so much I haven't had the chance to go back to high school to ask the science head teacher if I can conduct my audit at the labs. I must do that tomorrow, or I'm officially dead. I should be afraid, maybe I should start to panic. But I'm not and that is clearly the problem. I love how everything seems to be gradually spiraling out of control. I wish today was Tuesday...

Things have been a bit stressing lately, I think I'm going to crumble. I think a lot of my thinking has been under negative light as of late and R got a glimpse of that last night. I suppose R was taken aback by my aparent disdain or lack of enthusiasm this semester. I hate family drama. I cannot stress how much I hate it. Sometimes I just want to slap some sense into some of these people... Can't you communicate without the need to elevate your voices? Canberra is becoming more and more enticing as the days go by. I'm going to go insane before the year is out. I miss when homework was multiplication tables and when drama was who borrowed my colouring pencils.

I used to look forward to talking to you, but lately conversation seems so petty. If you're not going to try, then why should I? I see no point in this.

I'm seriously lacking in the motivation department. Lately I've ben feeling quite apathetic about a lot of things; namely certain people and studies. Stability is one thing I need, surely that would be better than endless bouts of emotional toil. Maybe I just need to find what I want to pursue in life. I kind of miss being a child, we're free to dream and concoct as many potential careers in our mind. I don't want to write any more horrid reports. We're all pretty pissed off about molecular biology, the god damn positive controls didn't even work. Steven says he wants to write a letter of complaint regarding our lecturer, his aim is to get the guy fired. He certainly has my nod of approval, I'm seriously annoyed and pissed off. I've avoided talking to any depressed and troubled people lately. I mean how am I supposed to cheer up an unhappy person if I'm not feeling that great myself? I think I've reached my limit. I've...

The body recovered last night was Nona 's. I broke the news to my sister today, her entire face went blank. It makes me angry to hear that such atrocious crimes are still being commited. If you look at his social networking profile pages you can clearly tell this guy has deeply rooted issues. He says that he does not believe in himself and the worst feeling is life itself. Back in primary school, I used to draw animals from pictures I saw in National Geographic magazine. She was quite fond of them and would watch me draw in the library with a few of my friends. I probably ended up giving her all my sketches back then. I just remember the way her face used to light up when she saw the lines gradually becoming a green sea turtle or an african elephant. Jail is one of his greatest fears, maybe we'll see a repeat of the  Carl Williams scenario (so I hope). She had dreams she hoped she would one day fulfil, but that was all put to a stand-still... At least she i...

Falling asleep in the science learning centre. Molecular bio wasn't great, our PCR didn't quite work out. Hopefully the 3rd one will go according to plan. Sigh, organic chem practical soon. I just want to pass out and sleep. I barely slept last night, two hours of lying in bed can hardly be called a nap. I'll be glad when Friday is over and done with... I wish these reports will just write themselves, life would be easier. I could really use a coffee right now.

I'm having one of those days (no its not PMS season yet). One of those really shit days for absolutely no reason. I was like Gordon Ramsay in the kitchen tonight. A friend suggested we go play mini golf, I'm glad I didn't go... I'm pretty sure I'd be like Happy Gilmore on the court. Maybe I'm just a little annoyed by the fact that the roses died. They've been blessed by my apparent lack of plant wisdom... One thing I'm sure about is that I don't look forward to going back to uni next week. I'm fed up with so much that goes on, I guess it just all came out today. "When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened."

Each step I take is another calculated risk, I suppose thats how I figure out if what I'm doing is 'right'. I wish I didn't have to scrutinize every single small detail down to the smallest grain. I just end up with an impending headache at the end of each day. I'm going to miss having my mom around. But we all have to do what is right, and this feels just about right. Its likely that I will lose parts of my sanity from now til the end of April. Well not really, though I imagine I would be very stressed and spending more time sleeping than blogging. Today marks the start of a rather stressing month...

What sort of emotions should be registered when you hear a family member has passed away? I suppose the natural reaction would be sorrow. Yet I don't really feel that way, all I can register is ambiguity and the disappointment that I'd never be able to meet my grandmother.. Today my grandmother in Vietnam died, my estranged aunt in America told me over the phone. The first thought was my mother, who hasn't seen her own mother for two decades... I didn't know how I was supposed to break her heart by telling her that. The only sorrow I feel is from knowing that my mother will be in heart wrenching pain.

Its been a pretty shit day and I think my lack of sleep isn't helping. I think I want to strangle someone, namely my lecturer. He went off at me because I apparently left the lecture early last week to see the dentist. I'm sure thats great, but rewind... I didn't go to the dentist last week and I stayed for the entire lecture. Of course, being the egotistic jerk that he is he refused to listen. I was in a pretty crappy mood already, so yeah the waterworks just switched on and I left the class for an hour. Turns out a few friends vouched for me and he decided to apologise. He claims he was in a bad mood . Well thats nice to know, really. I think I've lost all respect for this man. But I don't care any more, I'll just do what I have to do and just hold my breath. Somehow I'm supposed to prepare for 2 practs which I have today, but I feel so sluggish after a nap. I'm completely disoriented and my eyes feel so dry. I just want to go back to sleep, I coul...

Now I really can't sleep. I was tired, was is the keyword here. So seeing as I'm robbed of my sleep enough as it is, I'll just vent about something. The best thing is that my pill's drowsy effect has long worn off. I can't get some shut eye at all. For the past 3 or so years, I've been staying up late to study or work on assignments. My mind has been accustomed to much thinking and evaluating at night. This is the reason I can't sleep, I can't shut out my thoughts at night. I don't have to think when I'm asleep, I wish I wasn't an insomniac. Serenity now.

I can't sleep at all. All I've done is lie there listening to the wind bellowing and the leaves rustling outside my window. I've started reading Stephen King's "It" again. My sleeping patterns have become increasingly bizarre lately. I was still awake in bed when the rising sun painted bold hues of magnificent rouge and orange across the canvas sky. I hope I don't see the sun rising again today, I just want to sleep. Yes. Shit happens, thats life. I think I've come to accept that truth through the years, it is as natural as breathing or blinking. Events bearing negative impacts must happen. How else would we learn to value the better things in life? H once said to me that it was necessary that we brave the rain in order to appreciate the beauty of the rainbow that follows. I still remember the pained expression in your face when you said that. You've reversed roles with your parents. You have to protect your brother and encourage him, even whe...

Apparently today marks the start of a new year. We can all start 2010 on a clean slate. I have myriad feelings towards the start of this new decade. And so I must assume my usual grey monotone for I still feel disheartened by the arduous battles I have faced. While many of you are giddy and perhaps even excited for the start of new beginnings, I find myself pondering only upon the imaginary negative events which have yet to surface. I am what some what dub a 'worry wart'. A while ago, I was talking to L (sorry another alias, hooray)... I feel indifferent once again, maybe I'm just in a pretty bad mood. Ironically, I feel distant. I'd rather not argue with you so early into the year. I'm tired, I think I'm about to give in. I'd rather sleep it off. And to be entirely honest, things have been pretty shit as of late. I would rather not delve into further details, but I'm sure I've disclosed this to a few of you that are reading. Regardless of whatever...

My mind is like a deep ravine, there lies an intricate fine web of interlaced thoughts and musings. I can no longer see with absolute clarity. Perhaps I am bound by chains of overly excessive thoughts, but I can't help myself. I think the nerves of everything has driven me to the brink of insanity. Right now, I can't help but feel a little helpless. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. No, things will be better after Friday. through the fingerprints on my window- cloudless blue sky. - Paul Mena

It feels horrible inside. I hate being sick and lethargic. I haven't been too productive with my HR critique. The bulk of my time was spent coughing and making tissue wontons, my nose is running like a tap. Maybe I'll catch the train in 3 hours and make my way to the uni computer labs. I should go to the biochem lecture, besides I'd have 4 hours at hand to complete my essay and submit it online. I guess thats my plan, whether I'll follow suit is a real mystery to me. I discovered nodding off at the computer is quite literally a pain in the neck. I guess old habits really are hard to break. I've literally lost all sense, cognitive sense for the most part. Maybe it is too late to walk away afterall. Sense or sensibility, I wouldn't know which to choose. I've grown to loathe ambiguity.

I probably should sleep now, but I can't seem to. I may have grown a little accustomed to my nocturnal ways. Sigh, I won't succumb to the humble sleeping pill. I haven't had one in a long time and I'm not about ready to take one anytime soon. I don't know why I think so much at this time. No, I'm not thinking about the mumbler. The mumbler is angry again for some insignificant reason. I can't be bothered to keep track any more. I don't feel like sleeping. The day never seems long enough. Twenty four hours just seems too short, it goes by too soon. It didn't seem so long ago that I was in Miss Miller's class in 3rd grade. I miss being a kid. Things were so much more carefree. We said anything we wanted because there were no consequences. We did what we wanted because we thought we were had all the right answers. We dreamt of doing the impossible because reality wasn't an important factor just yet. Sometimes I wish those things never change...