Abstruse Musing

I had a bit of an episode today, maybe it was the heat or the stress... Perhaps it was a combination of all those and many other things weighing on my mind. It felt as though I was surely and slowly spiraling back into July. That month marked many disheartening events for me, it lead to many decisions which I've grown to regret. Conversely, those events also lead to much needed personal growth. I was cleaning my room and found that Parker pen, it brought back many memories. Some painful and some not so much. I walked past the display cabinets at the department store many times since August, my eyes always automatically searched for that pen. I misplaced that pen and decided to replace it a few weeks ago. Did I really want to buy it or was it for the memory of what once was? Honestly I can't answer that question, I really am too sentimental for my own good. Lately I have considered if I should say any more. I really wanted to the other day, but I could not allow myself to d...

My dad threw out my Nintendo NES, I'm still angry. I loved the fuzzy 8-bit Super Mario and Zelda. I loved that I knew how to play Shadowgate when my otherwise far superior cousin couldn't figure out how. The 7 year old me loved the NES more than television itself. He has this habit of throwing out the old and replacing it with something new. Hell, my dad is old but I don't plan on throwing him out and getting an upgrade. It was in perfect working order and he still threw it out. What annoys me most is that he didn't even seek mine or my sister's consent before doing so. I'm just really attached to all things nostalgic and memories of the past. He can't recall if he threw it away or gave it to someone. Rage! If he gave it to someone, I want it back. If he threw it away, I'm going to get another NES and game cartridges. I'm having such a nerd moment here, Sheldon Cooper would be so proud.

So I guess I sort of unconsciously skipped the part on why I'm taking a break. The internet is going to be disconnected by the time I wake up in the afternoon. I need some time to find myself again. I don't really want to be a robot that is on the computer on a daily basis. I think I need a bit of time for myself. I'd like to read more books, actually start jogging or boxercising again, and get a part time job. I find those things very hard to start when I can get myself distracted easily. I should probably start sleeping like a normal person... So for now au revoir !

I've really had enough of the shit people do. And its no wonder that I seem to have a problem trusting people. Everytime I try to trust someone, they just throw it all away. Well if you are reading this, pay some god damn attention for once. Yes, you know who are . I know I am far from perfect, maybe I am in no position to judge. But I'm really tired. I mentioned the last decade never seemed to slow down. Perhaps no one understood the depth of what I was saying. And so, I will clarify that now. Things never slowed down ever since I was a child. Crying was second nature to me, it was almost as natural as breathing. I did not live with the world's most perfect family, I did not have picture perfect parents, I did not have happiness like most children did. I had a "father" who thought hitting a child with a cane was an okay thing to do. I feared him, I resented him, and most of all - I wished I had no father. And to this day, I still hate him. He never respected m...

Its 4:18am as I write this entry... (Why, oh why did I have to eat chocolate at 2am? Wide awake.) And yes, I will be sleeping shortly, right after I finish writing this ... I was never really good at saying goodbye. Its one word I think I could do without. Amy called today, I feel a little distressed after hearing her speak. Sigh! I thought I'd have the chance to redeem myself as an incompetent friend, but I guess it was too early to think that was even remotely possible. Amy said she was moving away to Canberra. That came as a shock to me, I don't really want her to move there. Sure, Canberra is like a few hours away from Sydney by car... She said shes been moving around between Sydney and Canberra with her husband and children. Well we're going to meet up sometime this week, probably Saturday. I'll miss her, but she said she'll come back to visit on random weekends. I thought I'd have the chance to get to know her better and catch up on the 5 years we missed ...

Its 1:56am as i'm writing this. I really must be nocturnal now, I feel most alert at night. It sure is quiet, so serene, almost tranquil. All i hear is the faint snoring of my Dad next door and the soft humming of my laptop. I think one of the most horrid words in English would have to be the word maybe. Its such an inconspicuous word, half the time you don't even know what someone really means when they say it. Maybe, is a word I could probably live without. For the most part, I've lived my life telling myself maybe. "Maybe I wouldn't feel so bad if I did this..." I think we've all been conditioned to automatically think "maybe" when something goes wrong. How many times have you found yourself in remorse and said to yourself "maybe if i did this or that"? If theres one thing I could do without in life, it would be the words "maybe" and "what if"... I'm sure we'd all be far better off if we just stopped using...