Abstruse Musing

Here I am again, it has been 3 years since I last posted here. We all had so many hopes for 2020, but it has been disaster after disaster everywhere for countless people. I wonder what the world will be like when I frequent this personal place again. I hope we are all at a better place. Whilst the pandemic has been challenging, I have thought a lot over the past 6+ months working at home (I've lost track of time).  I am resilient. But I think you can only be resilient for so long, it is a constant state of flux and you cannot be expected to be resilient for sustained period of time. I keep pushing myself to do more, be more and seek more. And so I'm here to admit that I'm not okay, but I will work on getting back on track. I am burnt out in both an emotional and professional capacity. I am at a crossroad.  I may be facing a personal loss soon. I don't know if I have the capacity to try do anything about this, I want to but I don't know if I have the ability to fight...

A essential part of growing up is realising that you don't have to see your friends each and every passing day. This is something I've learned to gradually accept as I made the transition from secondary school to tertiary studies. I don't expect everyone to see eye to eye with me on this. When you don't see someone everyday, you have so much to reminisce about and a steady flow of updates to unload. The previous post was just about something I'd be itching to write about, I had only just found the motivation to gather my thoughts. But I suppose from actually writing that post, I felt that I could accept and understand how our responsibilities have altered over time. I don't know how long some of you have been following my blog, but I'd periodically make references to a dear friend of mine. My friend, H, has the tendency to disappear due to her circumstances and responsibilities. Over the last six years, I've become quite well accustomed to her disa...

I'm starting to feel the effects of the Avanza, I'm quite relaxed and drowsy. I felt like writing, just for old time's sake. I'm feeling quite sentimental lately. I miss H, I try to avoid talking about it. I remember H was a rather distant person, I understood that perfectly. We were similar in that sense. Either one of us would disappear for days, weeks or even months. Then we'd meet up and pick up from where we last left off. Then one day I met H's father at a family gathering, he had returned. He seemed like a genuine person, quite open and talkative. I felt so relieved and happy at the same time for you. I thought to myself that you'll finally have a complete family. I believed she didn't have to look after her family by herself. But comfort can be so deceptive. Her father disappeared from her life again. Slowly and surely, her life fell apart piece by piece. I haven't seen nor heard from her in well over a year. Sometimes I wonder how she is...

I've been rather fatigued lately. Between going to classes and work, any free time is usually spent by sleeping or reading a good book. I was going to sleep but I figured I'd write an update. I'm not really looking forward to work, but the monetary benefit is the main contributing factor to my eagerness. Honestly, ever since I started working there the whole experience has been nothing but a power play. Yes, it has brought our families a little closer. But I cannot deny that the dormant competition between us has resurfaced once again. We had dinner to celebrate my aunt and my sister's birthday just yesterday. It was a friendly affair but it was laced with poignant hostility. I felt rather uncomfortable about it. There is a reason why I never particularly warmed to my family, that occasion was one of them. I was reading one of Tobias Wolff's books and one particular line he wrote resonated with wisdom and truth. Power can be enjoyed only when it is recognized an...

"Hesitation increases in relation to risk in equal proportion to age." - Ernest Hemingway

I had the money to buy that plane ticket. But I guess there's no need for that now. I spent a sum of that money, I know the trip won't be necessary any more. Retail therapy didn't seem to work as effectively as I had initially anticipated. I guess there are some things individuals need that simply cannot be fulfilled by the material and superficial. Yesterday was H's birthday. The brother contacted me and I guess I was very much relieved. H is well, H seemed to have forgotten yesterday was her birthday. Honestly, I forgot too. I still see H as a close friend, despite the fact that we've drifted apart due to our own circumstances. I've always wanted to make up for our lost time, that's on my agenda now. I've always written about seeing change in myself. I used to run away when a problem presented itself, I was childish for doing so. Sometimes it is just easier to avoid a problem than face it. I did face a problem a few days ago. I regret what I said, ...

It has been quite some time since I updated, so seeing as I'm at the library now I may as well write something. I've been thinking a fair bit over the past few days. Lets just say a certain opportunity arose, a rather good one might I add. At the same time next year, I'll be in Canberra. I got an offer to study arts and psychology. I guess it is a rather rash decision, but I can't see myself working in the science field. I may as well put down the science units I've done for advanced standing. Amy says Canberra is a rather quiet place, I guess I can't possibly get distracted there. The last time I went to Canberra was in 5th grade...

I wish society was a little more forgiving to nocturnal people... I don't like the notion of social conformity, it just isn't a social norm to be nocturnal at all. I was putting in my preferences for my UAC application during the fine hours of morning, I was all satisfied with my selection and went to submit it. Little did I know UAC did site maintenance after midnight. So now I have to put all my preferences in again. I guess I will never do anything on UAC at 3am, I shall take note of that. I can't focus, I can't find an inkling of motivation right now. My motivation has been on holiday for many years, perhaps it assumes the pattern of a Snorelax. Only to awaken once every few months (perhaps years). Maybe I just need to find something which genuinely interests me, hence the UAC application. I am so bankrupt after making my late application, sometimes being spontaneous can cause a big dent in my bank account. Perhaps I should limit my spontaneous decisions. I'...