Abstruse Musing

Here I am again, it has been 3 years since I last posted here. We all had so many hopes for 2020, but it has been disaster after disaster everywhere for countless people. I wonder what the world will be like when I frequent this personal place again. I hope we are all at a better place. Whilst the pandemic has been challenging, I have thought a lot over the past 6+ months working at home (I've lost track of time).  I am resilient. But I think you can only be resilient for so long, it is a constant state of flux and you cannot be expected to be resilient for sustained period of time. I keep pushing myself to do more, be more and seek more. And so I'm here to admit that I'm not okay, but I will work on getting back on track. I am burnt out in both an emotional and professional capacity. I am at a crossroad.  I may be facing a personal loss soon. I don't know if I have the capacity to try do anything about this, I want to but I don't know if I have the ability to fight...

Within the last week, I've thought more about myself and the changes that have taken place. I guess one thing hasn't changed about me, I always need to be right. I still don't have a distinct path I want to undertake in my life. All I anticipate on in the near future is graduating and moving abroad for a few years. I'm enjoying going to work but I don't plan to stay there for long. I have to start thinking of ways to secure myself a job related to my field of studies. Enjoyed cheese naan and a selection of curry with friends. My little spoilt eight year old child, Noddy.

I find myself at peace when the days are grey and when silence permeates throughout the quiet hours of the day. There is emptiness yet something peaceful about these moments of solitude. There is the symphony of the wind whistling throughout the leaves, the sound of a distant choir and the smell of a warm comforting meal wafting through the window. I feel so much at ease just thinking about these things, just the simple impression of a myriad of things. All these thoughts and feelings come alive at night. Lurking beneath the glowing street lamps, the cold stars, the empty canvas in my room. It's all there, the thoughts I've tried to hard to conceal. He is the memory that comes alive in my dreams and I wish it wasn't this way. I used to hate the night because I couldn't sleep. I learned to love the night because there was you. I am torn between these sentiments and reality. I no longer have the courage to pick up your calls. I never realised how important closure w...