Abstruse Musing

I've thought about going abroad for a long time. I'd live in a city where no one knows me. I want to be free to dream without knowing boundaries. A friend told me about her experience with helping to build villages and teaching children english. I'm so drawn to that ideal. I knew it was something I want to do, even when I was in primary school. But responsibility holds me back. This emancipation that I've been fixated with over the years, is essentially, an elaborate plan to escape all my problems. No matter how the dream changes, one primary factor remains. The chance to start anew has always been enticing.

I find myself in an all too familiar setting. It's 1am and I'm working on an assignment, again. Except, unlike last night, I do not plan on sleeping. My sister is back home tonight, it's nice to have her around every now and then. I look forward to the end of tomorrow, I just want to sleep. I'm no longer nocturnal but sometimes I require a sleeping pill to fall asleep. My mind is most active at night, I've grown so accustomed to thinking at strange hours of the night. Lately, I've pondered about Canberra again, the thought of escaping everything is enticing. I know that is no reality, yet my mind continues to wander. I don't know what I want to escape, maybe all of this. We spend so much time worrying about money, health and relationships. If only these complications only existed within our minds. As I age, I've realised that life isn't a fairytale. No one is going to save you, you must be the one to save yourself. When you've lost sight of y...

I haven't written here as often as I once did. When I visit this long forgotten page, I like to read about my own thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it really is my own experience I'm reading about, I feel as though I'm disconnected. Even though I've neglected this medium, I always will be back. I was reading about September 2010, I feel as though not much has changed since then. Slowly and surely, the insomnia is returning. I bought the Avanza that the doctor prescribed, I feel fine when I take them. I try to not take them, but that just leaves me imbalanced. Perhaps its time to speak to a counsellor again. I know now that seeking help is not considered to be an embarrassment. I just don't feel right every now and then. I think of the past and of what I should have done. I'll never forget last Saturday, it was a truly traumatic experience at work. I heard footsteps, a soft thud, followed by silence and the anguished screams of a mother. A little boy collapse...

"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved."  I saw that in a friend's blog and thought it seemed rather relevant. I'm quite dysfunctional when it comes to expressing feelings. To love is essentially what makes us human. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, love is pretty foreign and strange to me. I never really reacted well when someone expressed their feelings for me. I always panic, even if the feelings were mutual. I harbour feelings for a certain friend, but I'd rather these feelings never be known. I don't want to make things awkward. These feelings were almost reciprocated. But as usual, all I did was panic and shut down. Although sometimes I wonder what it could've been like if I didn't panic. Then I remember it does not do well to dwell on the maybe and what if's.

I'm starting to feel the effects of the Avanza, I'm quite relaxed and drowsy. I felt like writing, just for old time's sake. I'm feeling quite sentimental lately. I miss H, I try to avoid talking about it. I remember H was a rather distant person, I understood that perfectly. We were similar in that sense. Either one of us would disappear for days, weeks or even months. Then we'd meet up and pick up from where we last left off. Then one day I met H's father at a family gathering, he had returned. He seemed like a genuine person, quite open and talkative. I felt so relieved and happy at the same time for you. I thought to myself that you'll finally have a complete family. I believed she didn't have to look after her family by herself. But comfort can be so deceptive. Her father disappeared from her life again. Slowly and surely, her life fell apart piece by piece. I haven't seen nor heard from her in well over a year. Sometimes I wonder how she is...

I was awoken early in the morning by a text message. It was from a person I haven't spoken to in a long time, a person who has simply been forgotten. I read the message whilst in my drowsy stupor and promptly went back to sleep. Getting more sleep was my priority, everything else seemed irrelevant.  By the time I had woken up, I thought it was all but a mere dream. Against my better judgement, I checked my message inbox. Sure enough, there it was. I didn't know what to do. I thought to myself that I am a mature adult and that all has been forgiven. When I say forgiven, I mean that it is all behind me. I do not hope for anything to happen.  I once considered changing my phone number. But then I thought, what if this person wanted to contact me one day? Now I wish I had because I wouldn't have to deal with the sort of disappointment that comes with these unexpected attempts of communication. Today I am no longer disappointed, all that I feel is apathy. I expect nothing...

I went to visit the doctor today, she prescribed Avanza again. I didn't buy them last time, but I did now. I need proper rest. That's the undeniable truth, perhaps I haven't gone about achieving it in the most natural way. My justification is that I haven't bought any in a long time. There are some nights where I'm back to staring out the window. I don't know if I should welcome the insomnia or not. I feel like this is now a part of me, it's been an ongoing struggle since high school. I hardly ever went to school during my senior year in high school. I'd turn up when I felt like it. I developed a bit of a reputation for being late to school and absent. Despite all that, I tried to forge ahead. Close friends knew how much I struggled with it. I'd see the sun rising, not because I woke up early. But rather, I saw day break due to my inability to sleep. When I grew tiresome of staring at the ceiling or outside the window, I'd go outside for a jo...