Abstruse Musing

The year is coming to an end very soon, I really wonder where all this time has gone. I've had my fair share of the ups and downs throughout this year. But I'd rather not dwell so much upon the downs of this year. With the pitfalls that came along with this year, I've come to realise who my real friends are. There are those who make you laugh even when you're in the worst mood, those who understand just by exchanging glances or those who are there during times of turmoil. So if you guys are reading, thank you for being there. This year I learned that I can let go of things. There was a person named M, whom I have not spoken to for 5 years during our silent brawl. I've forgiven this person for a long time, though I have not found the heart to actually speak to this person. I saw M at Helen's party and I guess I no longer felt awkward in her presence. We joked around and such as though those 5 years were nothing. And I feel far more alleviated now. A while ago...

I feel somewhat fatigued. And I guess that is quite uncanny since I slept well over 12 hours. So turns out Friday was just another one of those regular bad days. The first indication would've been the looming grey clouds. I turn on the news at 6am and to my surprise dismay Sydney Bus was having a strike today. Okay panic. I catch the train to parra then catch the bus to the campus. I had no idea how I was going to get to the campus. I spent the next 5 minutes swearing in disbelief until my Dad woke up. Thankfully he offered to drive me to my exam. He drove like a maniac, I seriously thought I was going to throw up or something. So I made it there in one piece and just sat outside of the exam room to get some last minute studying done. I saw Sarah and Linda's lab partner (I can't recall his name, hes just an overall jerk). The test wasn't that bad, I was disappointed the bulk of the things I studied wasn't in there. I do feel very much alleviated. I can relax fo...

My mind is like a deep ravine, there lies an intricate fine web of interlaced thoughts and musings. I can no longer see with absolute clarity. Perhaps I am bound by chains of overly excessive thoughts, but I can't help myself. I think the nerves of everything has driven me to the brink of insanity. Right now, I can't help but feel a little helpless. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. No, things will be better after Friday. through the fingerprints on my window- cloudless blue sky. - Paul Mena

I was browsing for some quirky items, as you do, and came across this... I thought that was the end of habit of sleeping in. No more setting two alarm clocks or hiding my alarm clock under my bed. Then I realised they don't ship this awesome alarm clock outside of the US! The deferred micro exam is at 8:30am on Friday. I sure hope I can drag myself out of bed at 6am or my life is over. I'll probably be taking analytical micro, food safety (boring, maybe immunology instead?), and forensic chemistry. I think I need a break from the UWS parra campus, so I guess this autumn semester I'll be relocating to Hawkesbury. Serenity now. I need to get away from it all for a while. Unless of course my application to transfer is successful, I can throw away my idea of going to the Hawks campus.

Just thought I'd share a picture a friend took whilst venturing in the alleys near her house. Kudos to Brittany for sharing this, I simply adore it.

Today was another abnoxiously hot day, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. This notorious heat is something you would expect from summer in Sydney. I still distinctly recall the famously hot days back in the 90's, one particular day boasted 42 degrees. I'm thankful today was nothing like that. Cindy and I went out to buy some groceries despite the heat. I suggested we stop by at the park near our place to rest a bit. I instinctively went for the swings and Cindy also followed suit. I still remember going to this park with friends when we were in high school. It was our hang out after school. We ate there, gave each other advice, laughed and even knitted there once. I haven't really laughed freely since all the strange happenings which occured as of late. I scoffed at Cindy claiming that she could not swing higher than I could, she accepted the challenge. The simplest of things could cheer me up and the simplest things can also frighten me. Getting an injection, bl...

The more I think, the lesser I seem to know or be sure about. Well I'll probably be taking summer school, my application has been accepted. I don't really want to stop and give myself the opportunitiy to lose myself amongst my never ending thoughts. So I'm quietly awaiting the 7th to find out when my deferred exam for microbiology is. In a way I'm worried, there is a bulk of material to digest before the anticipated date for the exam. So I probably won't be updating until after my long awaited exam and perhaps even beyond that. I think I'm done drowning you all in my obviously grey monotone. So here is something for you all to ponder upon (yes, I know physics has poisoned my mind, I'm sure Newton would be pleased to see this)... They say every action has an equal and opposite reaction, and once something is set in motion, it can't help but build momentum.

I remember ignoring a certain classmate when I'm upset with her. There was a certain girl back in kindergarten, I'll call her N (I sure hope I haven't already used that letter already). I can't remember why I was mad at her but she kept apologising to me. I recall crossing my arms and telling her that we were not friends any more and I would never forgive her. I totally forgot all about that until I saw her again in 7th grade. Old habits are really had to break, and especially if they stem from the early days of childhood. I still find it hard to forgive a person even at the age of 20. There was even a time that it took me 5 years or more before I could bring myself to forgive someone and actually say hello to them. Human nature is a strange thing. Sometimes we do not cherish what we have, we only realise the importance and true value of something until we've lost it. I tend to forget that I shouldn't ignore people when I get annoyed or mad at them. I guess th...

"Just think of it like a bandaid. Right off." - Jerry Seinfeld

Is the severity or gravity of the illness of such an extreme nature that the patient will/was not able to sit the formal exam? The doctor answered no, because he thought extreme nature was limited only to car accidents or being admitted into hospital. I refuted it means that the patient was unfit to sit the exam. Still he thought he was right. So I suggested that I step outside and call the student centre to make sure, he still insisted he was right. I called twice, and I was told my interpretation of the question was correct. Okay so my application for deferring my exam got rejected and I was advised to submit it again. I was so distraught it was rejected, but he seems pretty oblivious to that. "Oh your application got rejected?" Hi, I told you that twice today..? He still insists he is right, so I told him to write a little message on the application to state that I was unfit to sit my exam. Pity the answer to that question above is still marked with a cross on the respo...

Today was my HR/IR exam, I sat down in my chair and thought the room was familiar. I remember doing my Biology 1 final there in first year, and I had a really bad experience there. I recall an acquaintance wanting to sit next to me, god I hated his guts so much. He sat next to me and kept asking me if I answered a particular question and even attempted to take my multiple choice answer sheet. Of course I objected, perhaps I should've been more assertive to get my message across to this thick headed jerk. The examiner came to tell him to stop talking, thank god. Now I remember why I hate this jerk so much. Good luck with becoming a maths teacher. I honestly don't know how you can want to be a teacher when you think cheating is something acceptable. Okay on a lighter note, I was waiting for my train back home today. It was an excruciating 28 minutes of waiting in searing heat. A commuter was rushing to get on the train and nearly knocked a lady ov...

I've always liked driving with Tim, even though at times he is a reckless driver. Take for example, him continually going round and round at the round abouts. We have an unexplained liking for waving at strangers in passing cars and find it absolutely hilarious to watch their reaction. Maybe our deadly high fives are just as weird. To me, a high five isn't a high five unless you can distinctly hear when the two hands collide and leave a red mark. And theres Dani, I was never really close to her until probably this year. We got to know each other over coffees at night, scrabble, and Cluedo by candlelight. She always seems to have something wise to say and so keen about life. I'll always remember when Tim and Dani came to save me when I was reduced to tears that evening (many weeks ago). We went back to Tim's place and Dani gave me a tissue with a few drops of lavender oil. That certainly calmed me down and I'll probably always remember that day. I came across som...

Lately, Cindy and I have taken quite an interest in watching parrot related videos on youtube. I quite adore this one that we watched earlier. I wish Noddy did something like that. Well anything besides saying "no Noddy, no" or trying to yank earrings off my ear.

Sometimes I muse that I would move away and start off fresh. I wonder if I would be brave enough to really embark on such an adventure into the unknown. It seems apparent the older you get, the frequency of headaches and major decisions gradually increase. Life isn't as crystal clear nor clear cut as I once thought it would be, there isn't really any clarity as to whether you've made the right decisions. That is until you actually make the transitional change and see what outcomes are reaped. So I guess I'll patiently await whatever outcomes will be presented.

How I adore this piece of work by Natascha Sadr Haghighian. I absolutely fell in love with it when I first laid eyes on it at MCA. Needless to say, I stood in the art gallery quite transfixed by the immaculate placement of nails hammered into the gallery wall. I think the picture speaks for how I feel right now. My mind feels like it is all over the place. Scattered about here and there. I really am finding it difficult to focus myself, there is too much on my mind lately. Do you pursue something even though you know there isn't a future? How do you say the words you have no voice to articulate? How the hell can I contain my sanity? It seems even I can't work like this.

Today I went into uni to hand in my biochem kit key. Pity Herbert wasn't there so I had to hand my key into the other technical staff in the office. I stopped at the stairs and was sort of transfixed by the lighting above the stairs. It reminded me of Earth Science classes. We all sat in front of the stairs and once Christine mentioned the light looked an awful lot like a pokemon of some sort. That light certainly bears similarities to a Pineco... Striking resemblance. I think I've seen one too many pokemon re-runs... I think I am getting a bit too stressed lately. I handed in the papers for deferring my micro exam. I really wasn't up to it. But I'm not going to stress about it. I'm just going to focus on the HR/IR exam for now then worry about the deferred exam. I was spacing out at Parra station today (horrid heat), and noticed two people a few metres ahead of me communicating with sign language. I've always wanted to learn sign language when I was in ...

I feel much better after talking to Donna today. I'm glad I made the decision to speak to her. I was really worried about making an appointment to speak to her. I didn't know what to expect at all. She has given me a lot to think about and a lot to rethink too. This nocturnal habit of mine is probably doing me no good and I'd really like to change. But it is too difficult to uproot a habit which has been apparent for the last 5 or 6 years. I told her I'd speak to her again after exams and we would work out a few ways for me to change my bad habits. I do look forward to doing that. So I finally dropped biochem 2 today and filled in a form to drop it without academic penalty. I don't think I'd cope too well with that subject. I felt like I was suffocating when it came to writing up my lab book. I enjoyed the laboratory work but I did not like writing up reports. I've had holistic reactions from my friends from biochem2. One actually supported it and wished s...

I wish society was a little more forgiving to nocturnal people... I don't like the notion of social conformity, it just isn't a social norm to be nocturnal at all. I was putting in my preferences for my UAC application during the fine hours of morning, I was all satisfied with my selection and went to submit it. Little did I know UAC did site maintenance after midnight. So now I have to put all my preferences in again. I guess I will never do anything on UAC at 3am, I shall take note of that. I can't focus, I can't find an inkling of motivation right now. My motivation has been on holiday for many years, perhaps it assumes the pattern of a Snorelax. Only to awaken once every few months (perhaps years). Maybe I just need to find something which genuinely interests me, hence the UAC application. I am so bankrupt after making my late application, sometimes being spontaneous can cause a big dent in my bank account. Perhaps I should limit my spontaneous decisions. I'...

Well I printed out my UAC papers and I guess I'll pay for it next week sometime. I feel genuinely lost. I thought I was alone on this one, but I guess Helen was a tad lost herself too. I guess we'll all settle these things soon... Okay so we all went to MSL's house yesterday to sort of model for her assignment. By modelling I mean we had to pretend to sing and look like we were having a great time. Needless to say, we were not very good with pretending to be happy. It was sort of bizarre to have a camera pointed in your direction without the need to stifle a few chuckles here and there. Well we had to play a little game she made for her project. The game consisted of questions to pin point whether a person's lifestyle was sustainable or not. The funny part was the unsustainable people (Fok & Tony) had to sing a song we call 'eat it' , which was a hilarious MJ knock off. It was pretty fun, posing for snaps and repeating a few lines here and there. I...

I could use some cheering up during this time of the semester. This calls for a happy post (okay, I totally stole Suze's idea there)... Good times in first year... Minus stressing over the Chem 1 exam Amy's birthday dinner. Her kids are the sweetest things. Silly Noddy, thats only your reflection! I think he has some self esteem issues... I wonder how many giggles it took before we got into our costumes. You guys made me laugh so much. I love you guys haha Sure things can get pretty stressful at times and sometimes I feel like giving up. I'm glad my friends are still there to make me smile through the thick and thin. Oh Sara... I know me and Pisan are so pretty in that picture.

There is nothing quite like coffee at Mars Hill, I love the comfortable and warm feeling of that cafe. I adore the brightly coloured walls, filled bookshelves, chess board tables, walls adorned with aesthetically pleasing art and the inviting aroma of coffee. I could call this place home. A home of board games and coffee... It was nice to see Nesa again yesterday, its been quite some time since I last saw her. She is pretty much the only one I've kept in contact with since quitting my job two years ago. Another work buddy lives 10 minutes away from me, but I guess I didn't have too much in common with her. I miss gossiping with the Nesa and just talking about life, I'm glad I dragged my limp corpse out of the house to meet her again... ... plus I got a new view of the riverside. I felt bad that I came fashionably late and Nesa stood by the river waiting for me to arrive (my apologies Nesa!). I never quite noticed the serenity of the riverside, especially during this t...

It was another seemingly long day, 6 hours straight of class. North campus to south campus... Today my bag seemed heavier, I didn't even bother to bring my HR textbook today. It was as though time was not progressing, the notion of time seemed so irrelevant. Of course it was irrelevant, for I did not sleep at all. I was transfixed with the menial task of completing my biochem lab manual during the finest hours of the night. I still stand by my nocturnal ways, I strictly prefer tending to my studies at such bizarre hours of the night (or rather morning). Although I have grown accustomed to this lifestyle, there is no doubt that it is doing my health no good in the long term. I've been staying up til morning much more often as of late. Once a week seemed to have done me no harm. Yet in the past few weeks, I soon found the frequency of this habit escalating. Once a week quickly became two or (on some rare occasions) three nights out of the week. Today w...

I woke up feeling so drained of life. I think the last few all nighters has really done it for me. I got home yesterday from the micro test at 7pm and slept til morning. Sure, that was the longest sleep I've had in ages... But I think I've grown too accustomed to sleeping 4-8 hours. I feel so dead if my sleep goes beyond 8 hours. I felt pretty sullen upon waking up today, then I decided to read a blog I recently discovered. Its quite a quirky blog and I guess there are some things I can relate to. It totally made my day when I read this particular blog entry... the bimbo blog So yeah Cindy is sitting her HSC english paper as I write this, I hope she finds it okay. This is a very stressful time for many students, I can still remember when I was in their position 3 years ago. But I guess all that stress will eventually be worth it in the end. Cindy says she wants to apply for oral health or science, she seems pretty keen on becoming a dentist. I guess...

A while ago, someone said something which I continued to ponder  upon.  Time goes by, you can't let it consume you. I'm still thinking about that, but its more plausible to say my thoughts are consuming me. Everything seems so out of focus right now... I've wasted a good hour sitting here reading a very interesting blog. I really must not read any more blog entries nor fagbook any more, my test is not on either one of those topics! Think microbiology and pathways! Everyone has slept, except me. Its 8:30am now, and I'm famished. I got the new Vegemite last night, its not as salty as the original... I've come to discover the new Vegemite tastes really nice with pitted olives in a sandwich. Strange combination I know, my family gave me really strange looks... My thoughts are still consuming me.

Everything tastes so bland, bland like cardboard. The only thing I can taste is the bitter aftertaste of medicine. I'm still as lethargic as ever, perhaps even worse today. My shoulders are aching. It probably wasn't a good idea nodding off at the computer or having 10 minute nap on the couch. So that essay was somewhat completed, I thought I would never complete this task. I still have to do my micro quiz tonight, patch up my biochem lab book and get working on the micro assignment. I wonder if I have time to sleep at all tonight. I was anticipating seeing J tomorrow but I'm not even sure if I can make it now. Don't get me wrong, I do want to catch up with her. Its just that I don't want to get her sick as well. I am a person that gets distracted very easily, I'm afraid I'll get too distracted and not finish everything in time. I must get my micro quiz done by tonight then, I better study and learn those pathways. Hopefully I'll look a little more a...

It feels horrible inside. I hate being sick and lethargic. I haven't been too productive with my HR critique. The bulk of my time was spent coughing and making tissue wontons, my nose is running like a tap. Maybe I'll catch the train in 3 hours and make my way to the uni computer labs. I should go to the biochem lecture, besides I'd have 4 hours at hand to complete my essay and submit it online. I guess thats my plan, whether I'll follow suit is a real mystery to me. I discovered nodding off at the computer is quite literally a pain in the neck. I guess old habits really are hard to break. I've literally lost all sense, cognitive sense for the most part. Maybe it is too late to walk away afterall. Sense or sensibility, I wouldn't know which to choose. I've grown to loathe ambiguity.

So it seems Cindy and I were quite famished at around 11pm, we had porridge for dinner seeing as we had no appetite to eat. I suggested we walk out to grab ourselves a snack at around midnight, it was an insane idea to walk around at midnight... But she somehow bought that idea. Cindy decided she would take her bike and I decided I would walk (seeing as I can't ride a bike). It was quite an odd scene indeed. We quietly opened the garage door so she could fetch her bike, we tried to make haste and not make much noise. Surely, if our neighbours had seen us they would've mistaken us for robbers. The streets looked very eerie at midnight, the streetlights rendered a strange glow on the path, and the barren roads bestowed a rather alienated atmosphere. Except one thing my senses came upon soon calmed my nerves, the smell of eucalyptus trees that were recently planted at the nearby park. I found that aroma very calming and familiar, I think it even cleared up my sinus. Walking pa...

I slept 16 hours last night, I woke up feeling just as lifeless as I was the day before. My medicine tastes like crap. Why doesn't this medicine have that film around it like Panadol? I can't even speak properly now, I'm losing my voice and coughing as often as I breathe. I wonder if I can finish two assignments this weekend, there that HR essay and micro to do... Honestly, I don't care about Friend A any more. I would rather not continue thinking about  insignificant people. There are some people you want to keep in your life, and there are some you would rather do without. Friend A would fit in the latter category. So say what you will, I'm sure those crude comments will be the demise of yourself. Yesterday I spoke to Linda during biochem pract, I really don't know how she had so much patience to withstand her micro lab partner. I finally got a glimpse of what a bizarre character he was on Tuesday. He came and asked if he had the right loading dye, but ins...

Today I ran into an old friend, a rather wise friend actually. I can't recall the last time I had such an in depth and meaningful conversation much like this one. The funny thing was, in the past this friend and I just spoke of aspirations of the future. Two years had past since those talks and I guess we have found something else in common. This friend, K, has a profound love of literature (poetry in fact). Something K said today sparked much thinking... Writing can be the one thing that allows you to transcend the boundaries of common understanding. In my mind, the theory of relativity is just that everything is relative to what you perceive. And you're quite right K... Words are nothing but letters put together to better understand each other better. I wonder when I'll be as wise and articulate as you. Somewhere along the road, you discovered your true aspirations of the future and you're living that dream now. I guess I had better catch up to you soon.

Sylvie left this morning. It seems strange knowing that I won't get to see her smiling face until April, thats if she does come back permanently. I didn't want to cry in front of her, so I left her a letter in her going away present. I recall myself writing that letter two nights ago at 3am and getting all teary eyed. I'll miss Sylvie. She is still the same genuine and sincere person I met back in 3rd grade. I've realised that I can't take Friend A any more. Friend B told me she won't be coming into class today because she is too angry to face Friend A. I deliberated not coming in as well, but I contended I should give her one last chance. I would survive that excruciating 3 hours with her in the pract. I wished Friend B was there, she is the buffer zone that keeps the balance within this so-called group. I didn't speak to Friend A in class, I just carried on collected all the required apparatus, put dye in the DNA assays and centrifuged them. The demon...

Still annoyed. I wonder why I even bother with you. Apparently Friend B had some sort of confrontation with Friend A. Despite the fact that Friend B has access to Friend A's twitter, she is still writing those famously crude comments. I've never seen Friend B get so angry at someone in all 2.5 (or so) years I've known her. The only reason I wrote about Friend A was because she started it, I have never met anyone so unsympathetic in all my life. I think I may have grown to dislike her. Yet more so in the recent days, this dislike has begun lapsing into hatred. Ignoring the mumbler, its been two days. I haven't responded to texts. I haven't even bothered to pick up the calls. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing here. Am I just blinded by sheer anger associated with the Friend A situation? Well stuff that. Today I went shopping with Cindy and sorted all her formal things out. So I guess she will have a...

I probably should sleep now, but I can't seem to. I may have grown a little accustomed to my nocturnal ways. Sigh, I won't succumb to the humble sleeping pill. I haven't had one in a long time and I'm not about ready to take one anytime soon. I don't know why I think so much at this time. No, I'm not thinking about the mumbler. The mumbler is angry again for some insignificant reason. I can't be bothered to keep track any more. I don't feel like sleeping. The day never seems long enough. Twenty four hours just seems too short, it goes by too soon. It didn't seem so long ago that I was in Miss Miller's class in 3rd grade. I miss being a kid. Things were so much more carefree. We said anything we wanted because there were no consequences. We did what we wanted because we thought we were had all the right answers. We dreamt of doing the impossible because reality wasn't an important factor just yet. Sometimes I wish those things never change...

I just spoke to the mumbler moments ago. I said I was going to sleep soon but I still received a call. I really don't know what to think any more. I said I wanted to forget, but it is hard to when the problem wavers before me. Maybe it would be easier if I you didn't exist, that way my thoughts would never be of you. Old habits are hard to break, how do you break a habit that has been going on for almost a year?  I've been distracted this entire mid semester break week. I haven't done an honest bit of studying nor anything constructive. Hanging out with friends too often is not considered to be productive. Then again, you can't be spending all your time hitting the books. But oh, moon festival is tomorrow... To go or not to go? I think I need to sit down and reconsider my plans, I can't find that healthy balance between studying and social life. I'm not going to think about it for now. I'll sleep on it. Cindy wants to go look for...

Today was another splendid day with Sara, Sylvie, Jenny and Ajla. A literally sweet day which consisted of coffee, pancakes, snapshots & memories. Seeing as Sylvie has not been in contact with asian culture for the past 6 years in America... We decided to go to the chinese gardens to dress up and pose for pictures. Totally embarassing, I know. But it was heaps of fun being with the girls. Plenty of giggles to go around. It was disappointing that the day seemed to end so soon. Much like the days remaining til Sylvie goes back home to Washington. She seemed quite amazed by the beauty of Circular Quay (yes Sara, key). All these years I've lived here I never really noticed the serenity of the quay. It was always bustling with tourists taking pictures or tourists asking you to take their picture. But when the sun begins to set, it truly is a magnificent view. I used to take that for granted, but today it was captivating. I wish everyday was like today.

I'm sitting here listening to the rain outside softly fall. I wonder when the rain within will fall. I'll start this entry on a much less delightful note. I don't care what you have to say for yourself because I've already had enough. Just because I previously said nothing, it doesn't necessarily mean that I " don't mind " . Do you stand by and allow a person to provoke a friend for absolutely no reason? You tried to stop him? I highly doubt bringing attention to the fact that I'm around helps because that is the sole catalyst which fuels those harsh words from your friend. I've chased after enough lost causes in my lifetime, I'm not about to add another to the list. Jenny, Sara, Sylvie and I met up for dinner today. I missed seeing the girls and it reminded me so much of high school. It seemed as though Sylvie wasn't gone for the past 6 years. Sure she came back with an american accent, but she still seems like the same great perso...

So today we sort of had a group get together with uni friends (and Priya's sister!). It was nice to see Selin, Tom, Tim, Casey, Priya and Amrita again. I missed old times when we all hung out together after class in first & second year. Although, it was a shame that Jess couldn't come. We haven't seen her in a while. Perhaps I'll catch up with her over coffee and cake this week. I know it is late right now, but I had a bit too much food to eat... Oh and Priya's family are such beautiful people, they're so friendly and down to earth. Its always a pleasure to see her family. It was quite a fun night, it felt just like old times. Oh Susu, what you said does ring true... The crime of the mind is that it thinks too much. I've been thinking too much again. Maybe such thought processes are only existent at bizarre hours like now. I don't know why I feel so sullen nor indifferent about some people. I'm a little over everything right now. I think I...

I think I made a very good impression on the new lecturer for biochem. I walked in fashionably late, 30 minutes late. I even took the liberty of literally falling asleep in the workshop whilst she went through calculations. I think her name was Catherine, but I was too sleepy to even recall anything. I woke up to find her staring at me, "have you done the calculations yet?" I can tell she is really going to like me! I had stayed up all night to complete my HR/IR essay, it was a horrid night. I couldn't keep my eyes open for long enough to finish typing a sentence. I'm just relieved this very despisable week is over for now. So I'm contemplating getting myself 3 new bonsai trees this weekend. Preferably flowering ones, I need some colour to brighten up my grey days. I was thinking of getting a Crepe Myrtle or an Azealea. Do pardon my spelling, I'm really tired. I probably can't even tell the difference between left and right now. I imagine I won't b...

Oh my god. I totally forgot Sylvie was coming back tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow! Wait, I mean today! I haven't seen her in a few good years, I wonder if she's changed very much. She went off to America to study and she's coming back for a visit. I'm really excited! Ajla texted me asking if I was going to the airport with her. I had no idea I was "going"... I should do my assignment all day tomorrow, but what the heck. Why would I miss such a golden opportunity to catch up? I'm really ecstatic about it, I wonder if I'd be able to sleep at all later... Okay, on a much less lighter note. Mumbler. I didn't want to talk about the mumbler lately, but here goes. So mumbler's ex girlfriend spoke to me a few days ago. I'd rather not delve into the details. But she certainly got me thinking. Negative thoughts concerning a certain someone, yes. Maybe it is time to stop having anything to do with you at all. I can only take so many disappointments. Each ti...

Somehow I managed (by a miracle) to wake up at 6am and drag myself out of bed. We had to meet up to do some group work today and assign tasks to one another. The micro assignment is due tomorrow, and it really doesn’t help that R is missing from our group. It would’ve been nice to still have R on board our group, but I guess certain circumstances have rendered that impossible. Nevertheless, much work is to be done. I still cannot contact the unit coordinator, Louise, for HR/IR strategy. I’ve dropped her two emails titled “urgent” asking for an extension, yet I have heard no word from her still. I don’t know how many times I’ve called her mobile number either, but it appears to always be off when I try to call her. I've come to realise one thing, Friend B is really hard to get along with. I've reached the point where I've decided I want nothing to do with this person as soon as micro is over this semester. In fact, it is quite plausible to say I would not keep in contact w...

I probably should be asleep in bed right now, but I thought I'd ramble on about things before I sleep. First of all, I'm really okay now. I'm not planning to be vindictive and seek revenge on that idiot. It was probably my fault for yelling back at him. But anyway, its already happened. It was just one of those days. So on Saturday we had our primary school reunion (stole a picture my sister took). It was nice to see the school once again, even though it is merely a 5 minute walk from my house. I went with Amy and Pisan to the school. I was pretty surprised my 2nd grade teacher still recognised me and Pisan. There was a mini museum set up in one of the classrooms and it was nice to see the 125 years of history all put into one room for display. I saw many of the elderly there, and its quite touching to see that they've made the effort to come. Cindy said she saw an elderly woman in a wheel chair at the school. She noted that this woman was all enthusiastic about being...

Sometimes I lose track of just how much crap I keep bottled up inside. Sometimes I raise my voice and shout. Sometimes I just break down and cry. Today was one of those days. This evening was an evening I probably will not forget. It was an evening of holistic emotions. One which started with ambivalence, followed by anger, resentment, and much melancholy. After micro pract, me and Friend B didn't talk. We just made our way to the bus and sat alone. But I felt I should say something, so I texted telling her we needed to talk once we got off the bus. I thought it would not be wise to tell her off, since there is still group work to get completed. I merely stated I was ill last week and she shouldn't think otherwise. She contended she was not annoyed about that last week. Whether that is true or not doesn't matter to me. So we departed on a rather "good" ending, no bitter brawl. Little did I know, trouble was brewing ahead of me. This day was far from over. I wa...

I just got home a while ago from catching up with Amy, Chuyen and MSL. I don't think I've enjoyed dinner quite as much as this particular occassion. Theres something about cooking a meal with friends which seems to make food taste a whole lot better. We opted for a quiet night in.. This quiet night consisted of cooking, eating, laughing, reminising, and more eating for 3 hours. I wonder how I will sleep with all this food to somehow digest. I think if I was a goldfish, I would've gone "belly up" a long time ago... It was pleasant to see Amy and Chuyen's children. I simply adore those young beaming faces, they are so full of life and innocence. Oh, I was so touched when Amy's daughter came up to me and offered me a cream puff. I think I almost melted (I must apologise Amy, I can't spell her name). I'm so sleepy but I think I better do something for an hour or so, this food needs some time to digest. My eyelids are already getting heavy... So whi...

So today I had to visit the doctor so he could fill in my special consideration form. I opted to walk to the clinic, which is roughly 15 minutes away. It was a grey day. I was armed with my transparent blue umbrella and walked through the light sprinkle to the clinic. There was much thought between the journey to the clinic and back home. I realised I'm not quite as angry as I thought I was. Life is too short to be spent harbouring resentment or being vindictive. You have to take whatever life throws at you, sadly, there isn't a pause or rewind button. Nor is there an alternative ending like some of those "Goosebumps" books. Somewhere along the line, I've lost sight of what I want. Each step I take now wasn't made with utmost certainty, but rather for the sake of going with whatever life presents to me. There are still some things bothering me and I guess I have yet to learn to let go. I was watching Seinfeld yesterday and one particular thing Frank Costan...

There is nothing to salvage. I choose to heed the wise words of friends and forsake everything. I felt too unwell to go to class and do my speech. I went to the doctor and somehow bawled my eyes out. I think I made a very good impression on the doctor. Things have been quite stressing as of late. The doctor prescribed me some Stemzine, but I don't think I'll take any of it. I'm not loving the possibility of it rendering a drowsy effect on me. I must start studying for HR/IR strategy, I'm quite behind seeing as I just got the book this week (its already week 5). Hopefully I can cram everything in and catch up by the end of tomorrow... Then I can start my project! I'm quite doubtful I can defy all odds and surpass those law students. I am but a blank piece of paper if you measure me up against them. But hey, my essay scored the second top mark back in summer school (grr law student beat me). Perhaps I can defy those odds once again. Tis as impossible that he's ...

The whole day at uni today felt somewhat unfamiliar today. Biochem pract didn't go too well... The 3 hour pract was mainly spent uttering words of profanity whilst I fussed over my results. Last night I stayed up late to prepare for the management tutorial, hoping to win the attention of the lecturer, Helen. Helen always found it to be strange that I was doing a third year management subject, and I was keen to prove myself to her. I've answered questions she asked in the last few lectures, it seems people were not too responsive in lectures. Today she noticed me, and I wish she didn't notice me. She made me team leader and had to direct discussions within my group of 7. I felt that was stepping out of my comfort zone, and I could not perform quite so well as team leader. I guess in the lab, most work is done independantly or with a partner. It was very seldom that we worked in a group with more than 3 members. Sure the experience overwhelmed me, but it was a good experienc...

I sure had quite a nice sleep, I didn't end up taking that sleeping pill. I've stopped thinking so much now. And yes, Elisa... I'm still on speaking terms with the mumbler. The decision I made was to not dwell on matters which complicate my mind. Whether that was a wise decision, I'll never know... At least not right now. Perhaps it is my way of diverting or avoiding the trouble, but I can't seem to face it right now. I guess I'm lacking in the courage department. So H has replied me, and I may be seeing her on a Monday... Not sure when exactly. But you're right, I don't have to stop seeing a friend just cause of what Tim said. Besides, whatever happened between those two are between them. I just wonder if Tim would get angry at me... A part of me wishes he would never know that I've planned to see her again. Besides, what he doesn't know can't possibly kill him. Right? I wonder if I should consult the others and see if they'd want to s...

Fatigue washes in at this very moment. It wasn't a very long day, I only turned up to microbiology pract. I do wonder how I managed to get 3 paper cuts before I went to micro. I guess its a good thing I noticed it before walking into the lab... Maybe I ought to get some more sleep everyday. I've grown a little too accustomed to my nocturnal ways. I haven't taken a sleeping pill in a significant amount of time, I think tonight calls for a pill. I would like a solid 8 hours of sleep, I haven't been able to concentrate due to my lack of sleep. I just find it hard to fall asleep when it bedtime isn't between the serene hours of 1-3am. So I was on facebook and an estranged friend wrote me a message. I'll call this friend, H... So H, was once a friend within our circle of friends in first year of uni. But due to tension between H and two friends, and we all eventually drifted apart from H. A few months ago, H texted me and wanted to catch up. But I purposely pretend...

Sigh. I've always felt ambivalence looming ahead before me, more so after we crossed paths. I often find myself wondering if things would be any better if we had never met. I grow tiresome of constantly thinking and more thinking. And perhaps you're right Elisa, I am worrying myself sick. My initial thought was to not think about these issues furthermore. But what good would that do? I opted to ignore the mumbler yesterday and even as I write. And what good did that do? You only crossed my mind more so than often. And as Susu mentioned, maybe being Schizophrenic or being diagnosed with Alzheimer's is the only cure. But Susu, I guess its much too early for us to speak of those things (perhaps in a few more decades, eh?)! For me, I'd choose to deject and forsake matters which complicate my mind. Life is only so long, I only have so much time to worry. Perhaps it is for the best that I pretend you don't exist. And I wish that would would also follow suit. Each morn...

I don't think about you, but you're always lingering in the back of my mind. Sometimes I yearn to speak to you. But, as of late, you've become the focal point of my headaches. I could not bring myself to speak to you today. Maybe I've grown tired or sick of how things have been. Or perhaps the lack of change I've seen in you. A few hours ago, I was reading old diary entries... I never realised how much time, ink and paper I'd dedicated to you. All of which I've felt was wasted. Its plausible to say that ignoring you is totally out of the question. Perhaps I should do a disappearing act on you. At least that would be much more bearable than to say goodbye. It seems I've irrevocably developed feelings for an absolute stranger. Maybe I wished you would magically stumble upon all this and read everything. I guess some things are better off being left unsaid. I probably will never change, at least not for the time being. I'll always be that nocturnal pe...

6:20pm I'm looking at my textbook and it's as though the words are swimming. I can't concentrate. My eyelids are getting heavy, I've merely read one page, and typed two sentences of notes out. My mind is clouded with the words human resource management, industrial relations, labour management, unitarist, and employee relations. I'm sitting here listening to my "thinking song" and I'm being gently lulled to sleep. Sigh. I think all those sugary drinks have long fizzled out and now I feel so exhausted. I was so agitated last night. Trust my dad to really tick me off. At middle age, he's already exhibting signs of the "senile stage" in life. Constantly complaining, sleeping early, arising early, complain again, nag, and some more irrelevant nagging. I do grow tiresome of putting up with this sort of behaviour, and it drives me utterly insane. I don't have very much patience with certain people... In particular, my dad. Maybe I should...

I'm having major cravings for a caffeine beverage. I've opted to drink tea only now. My system is probably clogged up with way too much caffeine and chilli. But I would never give up on my beloved chilli, slight moderation should do the trick! Its ironic how I can change my mind so quickly without so much as a thought. I listened to you mumble a bit for 20 odd minutes last night. And for some strange reason, I actually understood what you were saying. Maybe I was actually paying attention this time because I yearned to hear you speak. I wish there was some way for me to see some reason to all this. The reason I seek is a reason to leave this all behind. I honestly don't know where to magically summon up my motivation. It seems my motivation is on a very long holiday and refuses to come back. I'm finding it hard to focus at home, theres just so many possible distractions at home. Today was my day off classes, but I've done everything else but hit the books. Maybe I s...

Today was a terrible day. Things just didn't work out too well for me. It was a magnificently grey day for me. I slept in, couldn't get ready on time. Train was delayed 15 minutes. Caught a bus without checking the bus number, ended up no where near uni. Walked to uni for a good 15-20 minutes. Maybe I should've just stayed in bed and avoided all that fuss. Microbiology practical was an absolute disaster. There was an apathetic person amongst our group, who I'll name as "R". This R person just sat there for most of the lesson whilst we carried out the experiments. R proceeded to get comfortable in sloth mode until I asked her to do some work. I felt like prodding her constantly with a stick to get her moving. Casey got pretty annoyed with the R, as we all were. At the end of class, R approaches me and says its plausible she'd drop the unit. I just smiled and responded in a friendly manner. Truthfully, I was annoyed for the entire excruciating 3 hours. So no...

So maybe it was wise to watch some Seinfeld. One particular episode, "The Opera", was quite humorous. It mentioned an opera named Pagliacci and the storyline is quite intruiging. I thought I'd look up if it was showing in the opera soon, but I failed. Seems it was shown at the Opera House in January or February. Pity. I hope it comes back up soon! Sometimes I think you bear resemblances to Canio. Maybe even I take on that role at times. I listened to you mumble on the phone moments ago. I really had no idea what you were saying again. I sat there for 5 minutes listening to those inaudible mumbles. My lack of responses today led you to believe I was drowsy. I was not drowsy, I just couldn't comprehend to your words. I just couldn't pay attention to those mumbles, but to hear you was plenty enough.

It brings me no joy to watch my sister weep. I handed her tissues whilst she cried over dinner in my room. In fact, it breaks my brittle heart to see her cry. It makes me utterly bitter with resentment that such pain cannot subside. Pain inflicted by the ones you love, the ones I've tried to love but to no avail. The ones we call parents, and I feel it is only by name. I can do no more but cry for you now. What can I do to ease that pain residing in your heart? What can I do to fill that deep void within you? What can I possibly do, when even I feel the very same? The notion of marriage was always something despised by me. I look at my parents and I want no part in that disgusting notion. It makes me sick to my stomach. What good is marriage when it is only going to break down one day? The sanctuary you call home just falls apart, as all things do with old age. There is a hole in my soul in the shape of my parents. That is a deep void in my life that can no longer be filled. How c...

7:22pm I'm sitting here with eating fruit salad and reading exerpts from The Tempest. Lunch consisted of a tuna sandwich, camomile tea and some management notes. The biochemistry lab class was boring, but I'm looking forward to it. Kate is still away on holiday in Iran, I can't wait to see her again! I really clicked with Kate last semester. I didn't know her for even 6 months and I felt like I'd known her for years. Theres just something so genuine about her, she'll be back on the 4th. I'm quite excited, we have many stories to exchange. Today was my first class for (bear with me, the name of the unit is quite lengthy)... Human resource and Industrial relations strategy. I felt slightly out of place in that class, everyone was majoring in law or management. I was the black sheep. A science student working towards a sub major in employment relations. I got a few strange looks from people when I said I study science. But I really don't mind it. Ooh plus ...

I'm distracted. I'm already distracted. Sigh! I need to get studying tonight. I have my practical class tomorrow and I had better prepare for it. I guess I can't drop old habits. Its like that old saying. You can take a man out of the cave, but you can't take the cave out of a man. The same concept applies to me, I can't stop doing everything in the last minute. I guess that is something I have yet to change in myself. Mumble, mumble. I really had no idea what you were saying again. I tried my best to pay attention (with my short attention span). But quite frankly, I just couldn't comprehend to what you're saying. Still, I listened to you mumble for a good 10 minutes. If the moon smiled, it would resemble you. You leave the same impression of something beautiful, but annihilating. Too lazy to upload another snap. And as Susu says, "and now to study!" If only I had that sort of enthusiasm right now.

The title says it all. I'm sitting here listening to that song again on repeat, I call it my thinking song... I'm a little depressed my bonsai, Rupert, is dying. Yes, dying. I totally neglected it for a week and tried to revive it. Sigh! I guess that was all my fault. I hope I can save my Rupert. Again. I've always told myself to get over it. Everytime I try to knock some "sense" into myself, you make me think otherwise. I hate how you do that, I truly do. Yet, I think I would be quite sullen if I were to cut you off entirely. I'm very ambivalent. Half the time, I don't know what you're saying... (maybe I need to pay more attention, heh) You mumble quite often, but I still listen. I think I've officially lost the plot. Thats the only logical explanation. But when things boil down to matters of the heart, they simply don't ever make sense. Maybe I'd be better off being schizophrenic. At least then I'd be oblivious to everything. I don...

So I missed class today. I think that hypotension business kicked back in yesterday. Lunch yesterday consisted of one gyoza and 2 Advils. Tasty? I slept a good 12 hours. It was such a good sleep. Note to self; get studying this week. Its always hard to take the very first step, but I'm going to try get my motivation back soon. I've come to realise I can't study without pretzels. Must've been a habit I picked up whilst studying with Olly and Jess last semester. I went to my lecture yesterday with a bag of pretzels. I just sat there munching for most of the 2 hour lecture. Ooh my sister came across a silly joke. As corny as it sounded, I quite liked it. A neutron walked into a bar & ordered a drink. He asked the bartender, "how much?" The bartender replied, "for you sir, no charge."

Today was the first back at uni. I wasn't looking forward to dragging myself out of bed, but somehow I managed to do that at 5:30am. Quite unprecedented, I know. Today was a very cold day, it was just another seemingly grey day looming ahead. I was quite frustrated because I wasn't able to do everything I needed to do in the morning on time. Instead of catching the 7:45am express train, I caught the 8:05am train. I guess I prefer to take charge with everything I do. But I shouldn't let that bother me, I'm sure everything will go according to plan tomorrow. Hopefully. I was lapsing in and out of thought whilst on the train, as I always do, and I happened to overhear a conversation. A guy was asking his friend how his internship was going, and the other asked how long he had until his degree was done. It sparked some more thinking for me. One responded, "I'm 6 months into my internship." Sometimes I wonder when I'll be talking about that sort of thing...