Abstruse Musing

Yesterday a friend called me and she was crying on the phone. I always knew there always were problems this person was facing, but I guess I didn't expect her to call me. I met this person back in first grade, it was an awkward introduction by both our fathers. I still remember how she was timid and hid behind her grandmother, whilst I was clearly distracted and examining my shoelaces. She came over to do her work for a while and asked if I wanted to go to the city with her. So I did, I didn't really want to travel an hour though. We just went to the night markets and ate a bunch of random food. She said I was like a big kid, I don't deny that. I was happy to see a cotton candy stall and teddy bears in a gift store. I don't act my age, but I don't mind. I called H the other day. To be honest, I had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to reach her. She rarely ever picks up her phone or answers texts. I was very surprised that she did in fact pick up her phon...

I took another random nap this morning and ended up waking up at 2:00am. I woke up and remembered the strangest thing. Beethoven's Ode to Joy. I woke up and remembered that song I heard many years ago in piano class. I wonder if I would have been different if my dad didn't take away my love for music, I was pretty much forced into quitting. Theres a lot of things that I'm forgetting and things that I've started to remember again. I still have a deferred exam in mid December, the failure rate is ridiculously high. I am in high spirits, I love how sarcasm never really translates well in text. As for Canberra, I'm accepting the deferred offer. It's my backup plan, so I'll go visit after my deferred exam. I used to have so many future career potentials when I was a child. I seem to have gradually lost each of them as the years progressed. I'll just take whatever life throws at me.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough...  Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured  them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured...

My dad threw out my Nintendo NES, I'm still angry. I loved the fuzzy 8-bit Super Mario and Zelda. I loved that I knew how to play Shadowgate when my otherwise far superior cousin couldn't figure out how. The 7 year old me loved the NES more than television itself. He has this habit of throwing out the old and replacing it with something new. Hell, my dad is old but I don't plan on throwing him out and getting an upgrade. It was in perfect working order and he still threw it out. What annoys me most is that he didn't even seek mine or my sister's consent before doing so. I'm just really attached to all things nostalgic and memories of the past. He can't recall if he threw it away or gave it to someone. Rage! If he gave it to someone, I want it back. If he threw it away, I'm going to get another NES and game cartridges. I'm having such a nerd moment here, Sheldon Cooper would be so proud.

Sometimes forgiving a person isn't such a bad thing. It doesn't mean everything will go back to the way things used to be but it just means letting go and moving on. During the time that the silence settled between us, I've always wondered how you were. Of course, I knew I could not permit myself to ask. Just being able to ask how that person was is suffice for me, even if it will be just the once. I'd like to think that I've changed for the better in the last 3 months. It may not have been significant, but I can see clearly now. I do feel happier knowing that I've been able to forgive and let go of bygones. One cannot live life simply proclaiming, woe is me . I deferred one exam, I'm not going to disclose why. I spoke to a friend's parents the other day. I was asked what I was doing with my life now and when I will be done studying. I could answer the first, albeit with a hint of reluctance. Yet I could not find an answer for the latter. I tend to a...

It's funny how you can give someone so much advice and support on an issue bothering them. But its virtually impossible to apply all of those to yourself when you're facing the same problem. Maybe the gravity of those words just don't resonate sufficiently when you relay the same words to yourself. People walk in and out of our lives, sometimes you change when they walk out. Whether that is for better or for worse is entirely up to you to be the judge of. Surely we are bitter, perhaps we harbor anger and resentment too, but what is left once all of these dissipate with time?  Perhaps by now I should be a more assiduous and avid observer. I've grown to accept there are many things that I cannot change and words I cannot renounce once they are said. I'll gracefully make the transition back to life as I once knew it as, yet I cannot help but notice something has gone amiss. 

... I'm still not afraid. Something is wrong with me, but I can't quite pinpoint what it is. I've lost the most primal emotion, fear itself. Maybe that is why I've had some far fetched ideas conjured up in my mind lately. I'm a little too mellow and far too indifferent for my own good. Exam today, I honestly don't know if I can even make it there alive in one piece. I need some proper sleep, it's Tuesday today. And to be frank, I don't want to spend Tuesday night being tipsy or drunk. I have life decisions to make and time waits for no one. I think a solo trip to Canberra is much needed after exams, surely that would determine my decision to relocate there or not. Today I found a draft letter I sent to a person for their birthday, I was compelled to rip that letter up. But I didn't and I don't know why.