Abstruse Musing

I had to sit down and carefully consider this for a few moments, when was the last time that I broke down? I recall it vividly, as though it were only yesterday . Sometimes my emotions come to surface and I can't contain them. Tears may erupt or I may just scream any profanities which come into mind. On Monday, both of those occurred. Honestly, I never feel particularly good when I have sudden outbursts of emotion. I try to be merciless and strong minded, I tend to hide behind that solid exterior a lot. I suppose I'm mindful of how people will perceive me. I don't see myself as a particularly grey person nor a person who doesn't want to be happy. This is my medium for expressing myself, I mean it's not like I get to do an awful lot of self expression whilst studying science. Canberra was, in essence, my escape from all things trivial. I was keen about seeing this plan coming to light, I even applied for accommodation two months ago. Sadly I won't have a plac...

On the 13th of December, I did something both selfish and selfless. I guess it was really a matter of how you see it. My intention was to not waste time and hold the person back from far greater potential. And the truth is, gradually I've begun to forget every little detail. On another note, person A seems to have found new hope once again. I can forget about my plans on moving to Canberra, all campus accommodation has been filled up already. I've yet to make a decision about my plans for 2011. Lately it seems my group of friends are so troublesome, there always seems to be drama happening. I suppose sometimes we forget that high school was over and done with a few years ago. We can choose our friends and also choose who we want to keep in our lives. But I guess right now, all I've ever been sure of are those people. While some are probably best left to go their own way, I trust that they'll be just fine. The people I care about most are still here and I guess I wou...

Things are starting to look a little better for me since I had asked that question with no answer. I don't wish to cling onto relics of the past and memories of what could never be. When the heart is filled with waves of deep void, we unconsciously seek to fill in those empty spaces. Immediate change may be difficult to deal with, but I know that this too shall pass. I learned to play chess yesterday at 1am, I'm sure it looked quite bizarre to anyone that saw us. Three people sitting at a 24 hour fast food place, all transfixed on a chess set and quietly murmuring to one another. We left at 4am when the cleaner politely kicked us out. Chess and gossip makes a fine combination, a match made in heaven. In the end, my friends are always the ones which matter the most to me. I've always placed them before relationships, I never want to be the type of person who puts a guy before friends. The heart can wait, it needs time to recuperate and time off to forsake. I have but one...

Dear A, I never once stopped to consider that talking to you would be so detrimental. I've driven a person to lose all hope. You'll never see this because I never wanted you to. But I'm sorry. I thought we could remain only as friends. I mean it's absolutely normal that a guy and a girl to simply be friends. I gave you advice when you were down and when you were too afraid to approach that girl you liked. But maybe that was what triggered your emotions to blossom. To be absolutely honest, I only registered panic when I began to realize that you wanted much more than friendship. And in that prolonged state of sheer panic, I just disappeared. I was tending to whatever pieces of me that was left after August. I wasn't brave enough to chase after uncertainty just yet. I was trying to protect myself, that was clearly a selfish act on my part. Reading about your frustration has only caused my guilt to increase by threefold. Maybe we're both just as broken by the pa...

At first when I met you, I thought you were blank. But then you changed my mind. Maybe I was right from the very beginning, you really are blank. I may have come off as rash by saying this to the person intended, but I mean't every single word. The person intended is the person that possesses that same Parker pen. I suppose I bought that pen because I wanted to remember the time when I truly believed I was virtuous. He once said that I was selfish because I could not share both my happiness and sorrow with him. If sorrow was what you wanted to understand, then I suppose my blog has become a prime example of that. I've written about the importance of taking risks, well I took the risk and I have an answer. Cold and consuming silence. I already knew that would be the outcome, but I guess I needed a shove in the right direction. You can continue numbing yourself senseless with alcohol, I'm done wasting my time. And so this is where it ends, there will be no more chroni...

I had a bit of an episode today, maybe it was the heat or the stress... Perhaps it was a combination of all those and many other things weighing on my mind. It felt as though I was surely and slowly spiraling back into July. That month marked many disheartening events for me, it lead to many decisions which I've grown to regret. Conversely, those events also lead to much needed personal growth. I was cleaning my room and found that Parker pen, it brought back many memories. Some painful and some not so much. I walked past the display cabinets at the department store many times since August, my eyes always automatically searched for that pen. I misplaced that pen and decided to replace it a few weeks ago. Did I really want to buy it or was it for the memory of what once was? Honestly I can't answer that question, I really am too sentimental for my own good. Lately I have considered if I should say any more. I really wanted to the other day, but I could not allow myself to d...

Seeing as Tumblr has been down for the whole day, I figure I may as well post here. Yesterday, I had a rather interesting conversation with a friend. Well it was really a series of messages we sent to each other. It certainly got me to think about issues on a much deeper level than previously. I don't want to continue regurgitating fragmented sentences. One of the most unbearable things in life, in my opinion, is silence. Whilst some contend that silence can be golden at times. I say differently.  The most terrifying aspect of silence is that it is solid, painful and often it is consuming. I chose silence over honesty. When we're children, people often tell us that honesty is the best policy. But honesty will not delight in your success nor will it alleviate your failures. Sometimes honesty hurts people, guilt only continues to manifest within yourself and grow exponentially. The most unfortunate event in life is when someone you know, becomes someone you once knew. My...

The happiest event in my childhood occurred in the year 2000, three classmates and I tried out for the school dance group. It was great to be able to leave class and go to dance rehearsals, although the downside was giving up our lunchtime. Our teacher, Miss Plimmer, said that she would be taking us all to audition for the Olympics opening ceremony dance team. A small group of us were selected and we were really excited to be a part of something so big. The great thing was that we didn't have to attend school everyday. We came to school then hopped on a chartered bus to an old barren warehouse to practice. Sometimes we'd go practice very early in the morning, at other times we didn't go home until midnight. It was always fun to go practice because the choreographer told us to keep the details about our performance absolutely secret. I think we were all excited about the mystery surrounding the performance. We'd often find teachers and students asking us about where...

I made this hideous cow in 7th grade in visual arts class. I was trying to make a cow out of the clay, but I guess it never quite turned out right. People told me it resembled a hippopotamus, but I insisted it was a cow. So I just painted it however I wanted. Call it artist's integrity if you may, but honestly it was simply me being stubborn. I kept this hideous cow on my study desk and I refuse to throw it away. It serves as my own personal reminder to not be so stubborn and to learn to accept constructive criticism. Now that I think about it, I've had this ugly cow for 9 years. I'm still stubborn, but maybe not as much as I once was. Criticism still is hard on the ears and heart, but I've become a little more accommodating to it. You could say being stubborn is only human, we're all a little stubborn to some degree. Although I do wish I had listened 9 years ago, it really does resemble a hippo. When I go back and read my diary, I've come to realize that I...

Yesterday a friend called me and she was crying on the phone. I always knew there always were problems this person was facing, but I guess I didn't expect her to call me. I met this person back in first grade, it was an awkward introduction by both our fathers. I still remember how she was timid and hid behind her grandmother, whilst I was clearly distracted and examining my shoelaces. She came over to do her work for a while and asked if I wanted to go to the city with her. So I did, I didn't really want to travel an hour though. We just went to the night markets and ate a bunch of random food. She said I was like a big kid, I don't deny that. I was happy to see a cotton candy stall and teddy bears in a gift store. I don't act my age, but I don't mind. I called H the other day. To be honest, I had this feeling that I wouldn't be able to reach her. She rarely ever picks up her phone or answers texts. I was very surprised that she did in fact pick up her phon...

I took another random nap this morning and ended up waking up at 2:00am. I woke up and remembered the strangest thing. Beethoven's Ode to Joy. I woke up and remembered that song I heard many years ago in piano class. I wonder if I would have been different if my dad didn't take away my love for music, I was pretty much forced into quitting. Theres a lot of things that I'm forgetting and things that I've started to remember again. I still have a deferred exam in mid December, the failure rate is ridiculously high. I am in high spirits, I love how sarcasm never really translates well in text. As for Canberra, I'm accepting the deferred offer. It's my backup plan, so I'll go visit after my deferred exam. I used to have so many future career potentials when I was a child. I seem to have gradually lost each of them as the years progressed. I'll just take whatever life throws at me.

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day is not enough...  Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.  When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.  They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured  them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.  The pebbles rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.  Of course, the sand filled up everything else.  He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured...

My dad threw out my Nintendo NES, I'm still angry. I loved the fuzzy 8-bit Super Mario and Zelda. I loved that I knew how to play Shadowgate when my otherwise far superior cousin couldn't figure out how. The 7 year old me loved the NES more than television itself. He has this habit of throwing out the old and replacing it with something new. Hell, my dad is old but I don't plan on throwing him out and getting an upgrade. It was in perfect working order and he still threw it out. What annoys me most is that he didn't even seek mine or my sister's consent before doing so. I'm just really attached to all things nostalgic and memories of the past. He can't recall if he threw it away or gave it to someone. Rage! If he gave it to someone, I want it back. If he threw it away, I'm going to get another NES and game cartridges. I'm having such a nerd moment here, Sheldon Cooper would be so proud.

Sometimes forgiving a person isn't such a bad thing. It doesn't mean everything will go back to the way things used to be but it just means letting go and moving on. During the time that the silence settled between us, I've always wondered how you were. Of course, I knew I could not permit myself to ask. Just being able to ask how that person was is suffice for me, even if it will be just the once. I'd like to think that I've changed for the better in the last 3 months. It may not have been significant, but I can see clearly now. I do feel happier knowing that I've been able to forgive and let go of bygones. One cannot live life simply proclaiming, woe is me . I deferred one exam, I'm not going to disclose why. I spoke to a friend's parents the other day. I was asked what I was doing with my life now and when I will be done studying. I could answer the first, albeit with a hint of reluctance. Yet I could not find an answer for the latter. I tend to a...

It's funny how you can give someone so much advice and support on an issue bothering them. But its virtually impossible to apply all of those to yourself when you're facing the same problem. Maybe the gravity of those words just don't resonate sufficiently when you relay the same words to yourself. People walk in and out of our lives, sometimes you change when they walk out. Whether that is for better or for worse is entirely up to you to be the judge of. Surely we are bitter, perhaps we harbor anger and resentment too, but what is left once all of these dissipate with time?  Perhaps by now I should be a more assiduous and avid observer. I've grown to accept there are many things that I cannot change and words I cannot renounce once they are said. I'll gracefully make the transition back to life as I once knew it as, yet I cannot help but notice something has gone amiss. 

... I'm still not afraid. Something is wrong with me, but I can't quite pinpoint what it is. I've lost the most primal emotion, fear itself. Maybe that is why I've had some far fetched ideas conjured up in my mind lately. I'm a little too mellow and far too indifferent for my own good. Exam today, I honestly don't know if I can even make it there alive in one piece. I need some proper sleep, it's Tuesday today. And to be frank, I don't want to spend Tuesday night being tipsy or drunk. I have life decisions to make and time waits for no one. I think a solo trip to Canberra is much needed after exams, surely that would determine my decision to relocate there or not. Today I found a draft letter I sent to a person for their birthday, I was compelled to rip that letter up. But I didn't and I don't know why.

I went to the agricultural campus yesterday to attend a revision class. Honestly I didn't want to go, it was a grey day and I didn't sleep that night. But I wanted baklava and I wanted to visit the plant nursery near the campus, so I told my friend I'd come. The one hour train ride was somewhat therapeutic. Grey sky, rolling green pastures and the occasional appearance of farm animals. I always feel content when I randomly decide to visit this campus, maybe seeing all that green made me feel at ease. The class was well worth attending, I wish I had bothered to make the trek there every week. The class at my campus was alright, but not fantastic. People seem friendlier at this campus, a stranger in the class offered me their notes from last week. This was primarily where I wanted to go to. I'm in love with the plant nursery next to the campus. I was really excited the first time I went because they had Serissa foetida plants. They remind me of my long dead bonsa...

The King decided to tell the Jester his secret. The Jester promised he would be true to his word and would never tell a soul. Days soon passed, the Jester wanted to tell someone but he remembered his promise. The King instructed him to not tell a soul, but he did not say he could not tell the river. The Jester whispered to the river, he said that the river must not tell a soul. The river carried the words to the wind, and the wind whispered to the trees. Eventually people of the kingdom found out and the words spread like wildfire. The King was outraged upon hearing this and had the Jester beheaded for slander.  That was an old story a teacher once told me in primary school, I still remember that story till this day. I don't mind when people tell me their problems or how much they love their significant other. But can you just limit the things I don't need to know? I'm never going to see that person the same way after you tell me that. P.S I just noticed I've gone...

I feel, I felt, I have felt.  Bill Nighy recited that particular line in Wild Target. I found that line very compelling and it conjured a fair bit of thinking. I hope I typed that correctly in the title, my french skills seems to have slowly disintegrated over the years. I'm quite disappointed that I was unable to join my close friends on the toxic adventures we pursue every Tuesday. Sadly I cannot write like Hemingway whilst intoxicated, although I wish I could. I've grown to truly loathe my choices, particularly in the academic department. I need change. I'm merely human and I'm susceptible to committing mistakes. I used to fear change, I even hated it sometimes. But now I welcome change because change is yet another opportunity for self growth and enrichment. I'll get by, I always do. I'm eagerly awaiting November 18th, its the only thing I look forward to this dreaded month.

I know I don't use my time wisely, but I decided to spend time with friends instead of writing that audit. It was not planned, but three of us dressed up as characters from Alice in wonderland. Obviously my mad hatter costume got lost in the mail, much to my dismay. I had to come up with a last minute costume, Cheshire cat (minus the ears and tail, use your imagination).  I didn't have the time to make finger food for the get together. The concoction of sleeping pills put me in a sleep coma which lasted until the afternoon. Andrew made ghost biscuits, they were surprisingly nice despite how strange they look. White chocolate and shortbread biscuits are a match made in heaven.  An made the cutest Oreo spiders. I wish there were more of the spiders and ghost biscuits. These are the only spiders that I could possibly like. Josh showed me a video of him feeding his pet tarantulas and scorpion, that was quite interesting. I thought I was strange for owning a pet frog, but...

The science head teacher said I had her permission to base my toxicology audit at the new labs. I'm conducting the inspection on Monday morning and the audit is due on Monday before midnight. I hate dressing 'professionally', I feel so pretentious. Well at least I'll sound important when I'm wearing my heels and towering over everyone else. I really need to make my mind up about where I'm going next year, I kept pushing the thought aside deliberately. To Canberra, Queensland, or stay? Actually I could possibly add Newcastle to the list as well, I'm really giving myself a headache. But to be brutally honest, the thought of going solo and starting a new life seems much more enticing. I'll think about this seriously after my exams.

I am distracted, very distracted. I'm having a life crisis because my mad hatter costume hasn't arrived yet. Not to mention the toxicology audit it almost due. I've slept in so much I haven't had the chance to go back to high school to ask the science head teacher if I can conduct my audit at the labs. I must do that tomorrow, or I'm officially dead. I should be afraid, maybe I should start to panic. But I'm not and that is clearly the problem. I love how everything seems to be gradually spiraling out of control. I wish today was Tuesday...

I feel uncomfortable about talking about delicate matters so I choose to write. My writing is cryptic like a crossword, I dance about the topic. What I really want to write about is usually in a sentence or a word, I've done that since the beginning in this blog. The sad thing is that every new beginning is marked by the end of something old. I don't want a new beginning now, I'm still trying to figure out my own life.

I'm in bed waiting for the drowsiness to settle in. Lately I've found my dependency on the humble pill much more prominent. Honestly I'm stressed. The insomnia goes away sometimes. I suppose I have too much on my mind. I caught up with two high school friends over dinner. It was great to reconnect with them. They seem to have a vision of their own future and the courage to execute the necessary steps.I could use an adventure next year. I'd love to study economics instead of science. So Canberra or Queensland? I'm already wondering how I'd pack my entire life into a suitcase. All I need now is to reach a decision and summon the courage to initiate this new beginning. Somewhere in between hello and goodbye, I lost myself.

I wish I could have stayed angry forever because that would've been easier to do. I am a merciless critic and now I lack the courage to speak. I'll grow accustomed to this unsettling silence. I thought I had reached a decision long ago, yet unwavering hope continues to beckon me. There are words I cannot say, but that doesn't rule out the possibility that I could be thinking it. Great, I can't sleep again.

The noodle market was alright, not fantastic. My companion and I had a great time trying to find one another and then the venue itself. I don't think its nearly worth all the hype, unless you very seldomly eat asian food. Personally I didn't think it was that impressive, but food is food after all. When in doubt, follow the crowd. And so we did. This time that worked out well, minus the time we ended up following a bunch of tourists... But thats a story for next time. I was supposed to meet up with another friend at Hyde Park, but it seemed impossible to find her. I was rather famished when I arrived, I think I was pretty prepared to just grab someone's food and run away with it. But alas, I do have self control. I was told the salt and pepper squid was worth getting. So I waited in queue for 30 minutes, but it seemed like forever. I was so famished, but the wait was well worth it. The rest of the photos didn't quite turn out right so I'm not going to bothe...

I wish I had one of these giant erasers. Its a quiet day at home. Relatively, until my Aunt came over and obliterated the silence. I swear she needs to tone down her voice sometimes. She sounds like a fish monger's wife. I was supposed to meet up with a particular friend to discuss business and life over lunch. But I decided it was best to drop those plans for today, I'm somewhat too embarassed to return to the restaurant she suggested we should go to. Tuesday nights have become notorious for tequila and vodka with a few of my girlfriends. We probably should've waited til we were sober before we went to a restaurant to eat. Jen and I pretty much fell asleep at the table for the most part, whilst the others threw up in the bathroom. I feel pretty bad about it. The gamer was angry, I was supposed to look after his girlfriend afterall. I'll be reminded of last night's events until the pain in my fingers surpass. Apparently I shut the car window on my own ...

Today is another grey day. I can hear the wind howling and beckoning outside. I've finally reset my sleeping patterns back to normal, its amazing what a night of tequila and vodka can do. In the space of two months, I've gradually found the opportunity for self growth and learning. My perspective on a lot of people and issues have changed for the better. Maybe we do grow a little wiser as we grow older.   I'm going to enjoy the company of those I care for, I've given up on reaching out to certain people for the time being. I don't want to pursue dead ends right now, perhaps the anguish of time will repair what is perpetually broken. So keep your thoughts positive and surely good experiences will come your way. Happiness is contagious.Ticklish pedicures, chocolate binge, shopping for heels and singing out loud in the car are all things which make me smile. I can't say my bank account is necessarily smiling at me right now.   Next to the university cafe ...

Virginia Woolf's final letter to Leonard, dated 28th of March 1941. "...Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can...

I can't believe that the semester has gone by so fast already. From time to time, I think about where I want to see myself in the future... Somehow science doesn't seem to fit the criteria any more. I've thought this way for a while now, but I was stubborn to take the step to initiate change. A friend working in the lab has recently expressed her disdain for her newly acquired career, apparently lack of communication was the main contributing factor. I've missed out on seeing people I want to see because I slept in or fell asleep whilst getting ready to go out. I had a great time returning calls and messages. I've been waking up in the evening and sleeping in the early hours of morning. I've literally become an owl. One thing which annoys me is private numbers, how am I supposed to return your call if I don't even know who to call back? According to one friend, I've been in a comatose-like-state lately. I couldn't have said it better myself. Ther...

I went off on a tangent, I'm sure that was evident in my last two posts. My feelings were genuine, but I gave up because of several underlying reasons far beyond my control. I'm still lingering in between, theres no doubt about that. The only difference between now and two months ago is that I've come to expect nothing out of you. I don't have the virtue of being stupid or silly right now. If I had the choice, I'd choose to be stupid. They say friends are an extension of your family, I say that is absolutely true. They're here through the thick and thin. When we get together, bystanders dislike us because we're obnoxiously loud. But I don't mind, this is just us. We're still the same through primary school, high school and even now. John Donne famously said, "no man is an island". That would definately apply to everyone, I guess we all need back up.

My sleeping patterns are really out of sync. I installed L4D again and played a campaign with a friend. My eyes hurt, maybe 5am wasn't exactly the best time to immerse ourselves within a virtual zombie apocalypse. I'm submitting my work late again, I hate that. The morning is so quiet, pure and genuine. I used to loathe being awake at this time, but lately I've grown so accustomed to this way of life. When I finish my late assignment, I'm going to hibernate until the next day. A psychology graduate once told me that I have an identity problem, I thought nothing of it and merely scoffed at his poor choice of words. Ten piercings later, maybe I do have an identity crisis. Despite what he said, I'm still going to get my eleventh one after my exams. This is me writing on 30 minutes of sleep (give or take a few) in the course of two days. I think I'll take a nap and resume highlighting those dreaded journal articles. Perhaps I'll make a bonfire out of the pile...

I've been trying to mend what has been perpetually broken, I've had some success. With each story of success, there always follows the story of failure. There are still other people I no longer have the courage to pursue. I suppose the saying is true. For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. For everything you have gained, you have lost something else.  Merely standing by and waiting for things to fall into place seems so detrimental to personal growth. This is the second night in a row that I'll have no sleep. I find I write much fluidly whilst in a drowsy stupor. The downside is that I get very easily distracted in this state. ...Just superb, I spent the last 40 odd minutes falling in and out of sleep at my computer. I think its a sign that I must sleep soon. There is so much to be done, I'd rather stay busy than be reminded of what I left behind.

This is another night spent writing reports, I've grown to loathe this. I'm basking in the silence and tranquility within these walls. Journal articles scattered here and also there, I just want to stop thinking for a moment and just listen to my own thoughts. Sometimes silence isn't so bad. I remember a few years ago, I saw a young boy in a wheelchair. His eyes were curious, bright, bold and deep azure. People saw him differently because he had both his legs amputated. He used to watch me running up the street whilst I rush to the station. His smile although small, was always reassuring to me. Sometimes we overlook the simplest thing that we have and take it for granted. The timid boy with sandy brown hair once told me that he wanted to feel the air coursing through his hair, as though he was flying. I saw him the other day whilst I was on my way to the doctor. This was a boy once confined to his humble chair, but now he was on a sc...

I guess it is true, we only remember what we want to remember. I've already lost count of the days since things started to go wrong. I'd like to believe that I'm not affected, but other days I just can't. I only want to remember the happy memories, but I don't want to forget the unhappy memories either. The story would never make sense if there were segments completely omitted. We learn to appreciate what we have once we've experienced the sorrow of losing what is important. Right now I don't want analysis or questions, I only want to go forward at my own pace. 

I've started to forget the tiny details, the sound of your voice and your laughter. The irony is that I haven't forgotten who those attributes belong to. This permanent silence will continue to prevail, but I'll say no more because I no longer have any courage left. Feelings resemble the stock market, you take a risk and watch the stocks appreciate and depreciate over time. I know I was supposed to write about things more colourful, but I'll get back on track with that soon enough. I've been so tired lately, this insomnia is really affecting me. I hate being awake and having to listen the never ending drone of piercing silence.  It frustrates me that I can't fall asleep until some hour in the morning or when I'm still awake and seeing the first light of day come through my window. Honestly, I think its time I go see my regular GP. I know its going to be a long wait, but that wait will be well worth it. I don't like wak...

I've been thinking and pondering, but I do believe I did the right thing. Sometimes disappearing is the best option, maybe it is not befitting for all situations... I see disappearing as the end and as means of protecting either yourself or the intended party. For the most part, I was trying to protect the latter mentioned. But I cannot deny that I also intended to protect myself, for I am merely a selfish person. I'm still having trouble sleeping, those pills aren't magic pills. I was awake til 5am last night, I simply could not fall asleep. Before I knew it, I was tying up the laces of my runners and out of the house. I had long forgotten the liberation of jogging admist the cool and crisp air, but that sensation was soon awoken. I once enjoyed jogging or going to the gym because I just focused on what I was doing and didn't have to think. One step at a time, I followed the winding pathways, ran across the barren roads and into the intr...

I finally went to the doctor for some sort of sleep remedy. They're not exactly sleeping pills... Well they're pills to counteract migraines and allergies but it does render a drowsy effect. I hope it'll be effective. The insomnia has been much more prominent in the last 3 months, there were a lot of matters which worried and disheartened me. I tried all 'natural' remedies, but none of them were effective. I put a lavender satchel under my pillow, listened to relaxing music before sleeping, exercise, and reading before I sleep. I was listening to the mp3 that Brit sent me many months ago. It was relaxing to listen to the rain falling and the xylophone accompaniment... I listened to the entire 29 minutes and 50 seconds, but still couldn't sleep. Well that's okay, I'm giving these pills a try. Mom had surgery, I went to visit her yesterday. She looked tired as the harsh lighting cast a shadow on her pallid face. She couldn't eat or drink without vo...

Yesterday was a fair bit of drama in itself. We met up with C (previously dubbed as H) in secret because a certain individual would be angry if he found out. Well he found out and he wasn't pleased. I tried to explain the reasons behind our decision to meet with C, but of course those words fell upon deaf ears. I know I'm skilled in the art of the disappearing act, it seems I've also acquired the ability to become invisible. I grow tiresome of explaining and talking to brick walls lately. Fear not, the drama has been resolved. But it certainly did bring on a new cascade of emotions for me. I'm trying to change. Its really unhealthy for one's own wellbeing to continue hating or being bitter. C has done no wrong to me, I just stopped communicating because a rift formed between C and a few friends. I chose to reach out to C again because I did not want to cut out a person which was one of the reasons why my university life was so enriching. Every time I walk to cla...

The trouble is that each passing day isn't growing easier to go by, the little things still remind me of a person I shouldn't be thinking about (I guess we've all been through that before). I was supposed to meet Syl for lunch today, I opted to call a taxi. I stood outside and waited for that taxi for a sum of 20 minutes. During that wait, I called the taxi service to ask where my taxi was. The operator replied, "I guess the taxi driver is too busy and running late". I don't know why but that one sentence seemed like an allusion to what someone once said to me, I got somewhat emotional just thinking about it. Waiting for something you know that will never happen, I guess no answer is an answer after all. No answer is enough to dishearten me. I suppose I'm still holding onto that last glimmer of hope. Perhaps this is merely false hope that I'm clutching to, only time will tell. I remember Rachel and I would always sit next to each other at the piano...

I'm not exactly over it or indifferent, I have my good days and my bad days. This predicament seems contagious lately, I guess the curse of the tea party was true. I came to realize that Jess, Pri and I were having the same problem. Its ironic how we were so content talking about our significant other, things are quite the opposite now. I don't mind offering people advice even if I'm facing my own problems. You give and you receive. All I want is for you to be happy and I guess this ending will eventually lead you to that. I wish I could've sustained my hope, but the anguish of time is too hard to deal with. If I was stronger, I would've waited longer. I wanted to say more, but I felt like I talking to a brick wall. Maybe we'll talk when I learn to grow up or find some courage. The best option is one which leaves you with no regrets. It wasn't the best choice that I made, but I'll deal with the consequences. I know this will be easier to deal with w...

I think communication is an important factor for any relationship; be it with family, friends, significant other, or colleagues. When you take that one vital element away, the gap between the both of you just continues to grow exponentially. I guess what I'm really trying to convey is if you have something you need to say to someone, then do it. Opportunity comes and goes, its entirely up to you to seize that chance and make it happen. I have long forgiven a person I wrote about here many months ago, I just never wanted to put down my pride and say something. I did say something and I wish I had done it much sooner. Time and distance are two obstacles between us, these two chasms are not easily conquered.When forced to choose between the heart or the mind, which would you choose? I think the best option is one which makes you happy in the long term. I woke up and decided it was time to let go, waiting for an answer that'll never come is just too much. Hopefully the next con...

I was still awake in bed at 4am, I couldn't sleep. I ended up waking up at 7am to get ready for basketball. Getting out of bed was a quest in itself, my eyes were glued shut. By the time I managed to get out of bed and get ready, it was time to leave. I barely had the time to eat or drink some water. It was a nice day, but I didn't end up playing for too long. Damn caffeine withdrawal symptoms. Couple that with lack of sleep, it is a fine combination indeed. I miss playing netball, but not so much the on court drama that comes with it. It was quite enjoyable to play defence this morning, it reminded me of netball days. Except I haven't played goal defence in a very long time, I had a bit of an accident the last time I took on that role. My own clumsy team mate tripped me over and I ended up landing on my knees, I think she should have tried that on the opposing team instead of me. I have a lovely scar on my knee to remind myself of that day, I don't think I've eve...

"The Nymph's reply to the Shepherd" by Sir Walter Releigh If all the world and love were young, And truth in every shepherd's tongue, These pretty pleasures might me move To live with thee and be thy love. Time drives the flocks from field to fold, When rivers rage and rocks grow cold; And Philomel becometh dumb; The rest complain of cares to come. The flowers do fade, and wanton fields To wayward winter reckoning yields; A honey tongue, a heart of gall, Is fancy's spring, but sorrow's fall. Thy gowns, thy shoes, thy bed of roses, Thy cap, thy kirtle, and thy posies, Soon break, soon wither, soon forgotten, In folly ripe, in reason rotten. Thy belt of straw and ivy buds, Thy coral clasps and amber studs, All these in me no means can move To come to thee and be thy love. But could youth last and love still breed, Had joys no date nor age no need, Then these delights my mind might move To live with thee and be thy love. ...