this lime-tree bower my prison
It brings me no joy to watch my sister weep. I handed her tissues whilst she cried over dinner in my room. In fact, it breaks my brittle heart to see her cry. It makes me utterly bitter with resentment that such pain cannot subside. Pain inflicted by the ones you love, the ones I've tried to love but to no avail. The ones we call parents, and I feel it is only by name. I can do no more but cry for you now. What can I do to ease that pain residing in your heart? What can I do to fill that deep void within you? What can I possibly do, when even I feel the very same?
The notion of marriage was always something despised by me. I look at my parents and I want no part in that disgusting notion. It makes me sick to my stomach. What good is marriage when it is only going to break down one day? The sanctuary you call home just falls apart, as all things do with old age. There is a hole in my soul in the shape of my parents. That is a deep void in my life that can no longer be filled. How can I find solace when I cannot let go?
They say you cannot shake hands with clenched fists. I've had my fist clenched for a very long time. I'm not ready to let go. I've had my fist clenched for well over a decade. And sometimes it hurts to remain in this state. I would've given up on myself amidst this emotional turmoil if it wasn't for my sister. I have to stay strong and only for you. Do you know how many times I've wanted to simply give up? As much as I've found it difficult to continue my studies, I wanted to do it for you and in memory of my deceased grandfather. Let’s run away from here when I've graduated. Let’s run away from all the turmoil and start off somewhere new one day.
And maybe some of you reading wouldn’t understand. People have always found it to be bizarre that I am secretly so melancholic. But you know what, everything has a reason. I’m not just bitter by nature, sometimes things happen in your life that changes you entirely. I hate people who act without thinking, who speak without thinking, who speak without considering someone else’s feelings. Why? It reminds me of my inconsiderate father, and yes, that is why I had to tell off a certain person as of late. These perils have shaped the person I am today and maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to trust people. And maybe that is why I can’t forgive once someone hurts me; I think I’ve been emotionally battered enough. I don’t need certain people to step up as my second father, as if one wasn't heart wrenching enough.
I'm tired of fighting against the odds. Things will never change for the better. My tissues are drenched in my tears and I really hate to cry. I have to be as solid as a fortress and never give into my tears. A friend and I once talked about the Sims and he simply remarked, "ah, the perfect family..." What I never said was, I thought the very same. This calls for a Seinfeld marathon, I could use some cheering up.
The notion of marriage was always something despised by me. I look at my parents and I want no part in that disgusting notion. It makes me sick to my stomach. What good is marriage when it is only going to break down one day? The sanctuary you call home just falls apart, as all things do with old age. There is a hole in my soul in the shape of my parents. That is a deep void in my life that can no longer be filled. How can I find solace when I cannot let go?
They say you cannot shake hands with clenched fists. I've had my fist clenched for a very long time. I'm not ready to let go. I've had my fist clenched for well over a decade. And sometimes it hurts to remain in this state. I would've given up on myself amidst this emotional turmoil if it wasn't for my sister. I have to stay strong and only for you. Do you know how many times I've wanted to simply give up? As much as I've found it difficult to continue my studies, I wanted to do it for you and in memory of my deceased grandfather. Let’s run away from here when I've graduated. Let’s run away from all the turmoil and start off somewhere new one day.
And maybe some of you reading wouldn’t understand. People have always found it to be bizarre that I am secretly so melancholic. But you know what, everything has a reason. I’m not just bitter by nature, sometimes things happen in your life that changes you entirely. I hate people who act without thinking, who speak without thinking, who speak without considering someone else’s feelings. Why? It reminds me of my inconsiderate father, and yes, that is why I had to tell off a certain person as of late. These perils have shaped the person I am today and maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to trust people. And maybe that is why I can’t forgive once someone hurts me; I think I’ve been emotionally battered enough. I don’t need certain people to step up as my second father, as if one wasn't heart wrenching enough.
I'm tired of fighting against the odds. Things will never change for the better. My tissues are drenched in my tears and I really hate to cry. I have to be as solid as a fortress and never give into my tears. A friend and I once talked about the Sims and he simply remarked, "ah, the perfect family..." What I never said was, I thought the very same. This calls for a Seinfeld marathon, I could use some cheering up.
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