Abstruse Musing

I've started to forget the tiny details, the sound of your voice and your laughter. The irony is that I haven't forgotten who those attributes belong to. This permanent silence will continue to prevail, but I'll say no more because I no longer have any courage left. Feelings resemble the stock market, you take a risk and watch the stocks appreciate and depreciate over time. I know I was supposed to write about things more colourful, but I'll get back on track with that soon enough. I've been so tired lately, this insomnia is really affecting me. I hate being awake and having to listen the never ending drone of piercing silence.  It frustrates me that I can't fall asleep until some hour in the morning or when I'm still awake and seeing the first light of day come through my window. Honestly, I think its time I go see my regular GP. I know its going to be a long wait, but that wait will be well worth it. I don't like wak...

I've been thinking and pondering, but I do believe I did the right thing. Sometimes disappearing is the best option, maybe it is not befitting for all situations... I see disappearing as the end and as means of protecting either yourself or the intended party. For the most part, I was trying to protect the latter mentioned. But I cannot deny that I also intended to protect myself, for I am merely a selfish person. I'm still having trouble sleeping, those pills aren't magic pills. I was awake til 5am last night, I simply could not fall asleep. Before I knew it, I was tying up the laces of my runners and out of the house. I had long forgotten the liberation of jogging admist the cool and crisp air, but that sensation was soon awoken. I once enjoyed jogging or going to the gym because I just focused on what I was doing and didn't have to think. One step at a time, I followed the winding pathways, ran across the barren roads and into the intr...

I finally went to the doctor for some sort of sleep remedy. They're not exactly sleeping pills... Well they're pills to counteract migraines and allergies but it does render a drowsy effect. I hope it'll be effective. The insomnia has been much more prominent in the last 3 months, there were a lot of matters which worried and disheartened me. I tried all 'natural' remedies, but none of them were effective. I put a lavender satchel under my pillow, listened to relaxing music before sleeping, exercise, and reading before I sleep. I was listening to the mp3 that Brit sent me many months ago. It was relaxing to listen to the rain falling and the xylophone accompaniment... I listened to the entire 29 minutes and 50 seconds, but still couldn't sleep. Well that's okay, I'm giving these pills a try. Mom had surgery, I went to visit her yesterday. She looked tired as the harsh lighting cast a shadow on her pallid face. She couldn't eat or drink without vo...

Yesterday was a fair bit of drama in itself. We met up with C (previously dubbed as H) in secret because a certain individual would be angry if he found out. Well he found out and he wasn't pleased. I tried to explain the reasons behind our decision to meet with C, but of course those words fell upon deaf ears. I know I'm skilled in the art of the disappearing act, it seems I've also acquired the ability to become invisible. I grow tiresome of explaining and talking to brick walls lately. Fear not, the drama has been resolved. But it certainly did bring on a new cascade of emotions for me. I'm trying to change. Its really unhealthy for one's own wellbeing to continue hating or being bitter. C has done no wrong to me, I just stopped communicating because a rift formed between C and a few friends. I chose to reach out to C again because I did not want to cut out a person which was one of the reasons why my university life was so enriching. Every time I walk to cla...

The trouble is that each passing day isn't growing easier to go by, the little things still remind me of a person I shouldn't be thinking about (I guess we've all been through that before). I was supposed to meet Syl for lunch today, I opted to call a taxi. I stood outside and waited for that taxi for a sum of 20 minutes. During that wait, I called the taxi service to ask where my taxi was. The operator replied, "I guess the taxi driver is too busy and running late". I don't know why but that one sentence seemed like an allusion to what someone once said to me, I got somewhat emotional just thinking about it. Waiting for something you know that will never happen, I guess no answer is an answer after all. No answer is enough to dishearten me. I suppose I'm still holding onto that last glimmer of hope. Perhaps this is merely false hope that I'm clutching to, only time will tell. I remember Rachel and I would always sit next to each other at the piano...

I'm not exactly over it or indifferent, I have my good days and my bad days. This predicament seems contagious lately, I guess the curse of the tea party was true. I came to realize that Jess, Pri and I were having the same problem. Its ironic how we were so content talking about our significant other, things are quite the opposite now. I don't mind offering people advice even if I'm facing my own problems. You give and you receive. All I want is for you to be happy and I guess this ending will eventually lead you to that. I wish I could've sustained my hope, but the anguish of time is too hard to deal with. If I was stronger, I would've waited longer. I wanted to say more, but I felt like I talking to a brick wall. Maybe we'll talk when I learn to grow up or find some courage. The best option is one which leaves you with no regrets. It wasn't the best choice that I made, but I'll deal with the consequences. I know this will be easier to deal with w...

I think communication is an important factor for any relationship; be it with family, friends, significant other, or colleagues. When you take that one vital element away, the gap between the both of you just continues to grow exponentially. I guess what I'm really trying to convey is if you have something you need to say to someone, then do it. Opportunity comes and goes, its entirely up to you to seize that chance and make it happen. I have long forgiven a person I wrote about here many months ago, I just never wanted to put down my pride and say something. I did say something and I wish I had done it much sooner. Time and distance are two obstacles between us, these two chasms are not easily conquered.When forced to choose between the heart or the mind, which would you choose? I think the best option is one which makes you happy in the long term. I woke up and decided it was time to let go, waiting for an answer that'll never come is just too much. Hopefully the next con...

I was still awake in bed at 4am, I couldn't sleep. I ended up waking up at 7am to get ready for basketball. Getting out of bed was a quest in itself, my eyes were glued shut. By the time I managed to get out of bed and get ready, it was time to leave. I barely had the time to eat or drink some water. It was a nice day, but I didn't end up playing for too long. Damn caffeine withdrawal symptoms. Couple that with lack of sleep, it is a fine combination indeed. I miss playing netball, but not so much the on court drama that comes with it. It was quite enjoyable to play defence this morning, it reminded me of netball days. Except I haven't played goal defence in a very long time, I had a bit of an accident the last time I took on that role. My own clumsy team mate tripped me over and I ended up landing on my knees, I think she should have tried that on the opposing team instead of me. I have a lovely scar on my knee to remind myself of that day, I don't think I've eve...