Abstruse Musing

There is nothing to salvage. I choose to heed the wise words of friends and forsake everything. I felt too unwell to go to class and do my speech. I went to the doctor and somehow bawled my eyes out. I think I made a very good impression on the doctor. Things have been quite stressing as of late. The doctor prescribed me some Stemzine, but I don't think I'll take any of it. I'm not loving the possibility of it rendering a drowsy effect on me. I must start studying for HR/IR strategy, I'm quite behind seeing as I just got the book this week (its already week 5). Hopefully I can cram everything in and catch up by the end of tomorrow... Then I can start my project! I'm quite doubtful I can defy all odds and surpass those law students. I am but a blank piece of paper if you measure me up against them. But hey, my essay scored the second top mark back in summer school (grr law student beat me). Perhaps I can defy those odds once again. Tis as impossible that he's ...

The whole day at uni today felt somewhat unfamiliar today. Biochem pract didn't go too well... The 3 hour pract was mainly spent uttering words of profanity whilst I fussed over my results. Last night I stayed up late to prepare for the management tutorial, hoping to win the attention of the lecturer, Helen. Helen always found it to be strange that I was doing a third year management subject, and I was keen to prove myself to her. I've answered questions she asked in the last few lectures, it seems people were not too responsive in lectures. Today she noticed me, and I wish she didn't notice me. She made me team leader and had to direct discussions within my group of 7. I felt that was stepping out of my comfort zone, and I could not perform quite so well as team leader. I guess in the lab, most work is done independantly or with a partner. It was very seldom that we worked in a group with more than 3 members. Sure the experience overwhelmed me, but it was a good experienc...

I sure had quite a nice sleep, I didn't end up taking that sleeping pill. I've stopped thinking so much now. And yes, Elisa... I'm still on speaking terms with the mumbler. The decision I made was to not dwell on matters which complicate my mind. Whether that was a wise decision, I'll never know... At least not right now. Perhaps it is my way of diverting or avoiding the trouble, but I can't seem to face it right now. I guess I'm lacking in the courage department. So H has replied me, and I may be seeing her on a Monday... Not sure when exactly. But you're right, I don't have to stop seeing a friend just cause of what Tim said. Besides, whatever happened between those two are between them. I just wonder if Tim would get angry at me... A part of me wishes he would never know that I've planned to see her again. Besides, what he doesn't know can't possibly kill him. Right? I wonder if I should consult the others and see if they'd want to s...

Fatigue washes in at this very moment. It wasn't a very long day, I only turned up to microbiology pract. I do wonder how I managed to get 3 paper cuts before I went to micro. I guess its a good thing I noticed it before walking into the lab... Maybe I ought to get some more sleep everyday. I've grown a little too accustomed to my nocturnal ways. I haven't taken a sleeping pill in a significant amount of time, I think tonight calls for a pill. I would like a solid 8 hours of sleep, I haven't been able to concentrate due to my lack of sleep. I just find it hard to fall asleep when it bedtime isn't between the serene hours of 1-3am. So I was on facebook and an estranged friend wrote me a message. I'll call this friend, H... So H, was once a friend within our circle of friends in first year of uni. But due to tension between H and two friends, and we all eventually drifted apart from H. A few months ago, H texted me and wanted to catch up. But I purposely pretend...

Sigh. I've always felt ambivalence looming ahead before me, more so after we crossed paths. I often find myself wondering if things would be any better if we had never met. I grow tiresome of constantly thinking and more thinking. And perhaps you're right Elisa, I am worrying myself sick. My initial thought was to not think about these issues furthermore. But what good would that do? I opted to ignore the mumbler yesterday and even as I write. And what good did that do? You only crossed my mind more so than often. And as Susu mentioned, maybe being Schizophrenic or being diagnosed with Alzheimer's is the only cure. But Susu, I guess its much too early for us to speak of those things (perhaps in a few more decades, eh?)! For me, I'd choose to deject and forsake matters which complicate my mind. Life is only so long, I only have so much time to worry. Perhaps it is for the best that I pretend you don't exist. And I wish that would would also follow suit. Each morn...

I don't think about you, but you're always lingering in the back of my mind. Sometimes I yearn to speak to you. But, as of late, you've become the focal point of my headaches. I could not bring myself to speak to you today. Maybe I've grown tired or sick of how things have been. Or perhaps the lack of change I've seen in you. A few hours ago, I was reading old diary entries... I never realised how much time, ink and paper I'd dedicated to you. All of which I've felt was wasted. Its plausible to say that ignoring you is totally out of the question. Perhaps I should do a disappearing act on you. At least that would be much more bearable than to say goodbye. It seems I've irrevocably developed feelings for an absolute stranger. Maybe I wished you would magically stumble upon all this and read everything. I guess some things are better off being left unsaid. I probably will never change, at least not for the time being. I'll always be that nocturnal pe...

6:20pm I'm looking at my textbook and it's as though the words are swimming. I can't concentrate. My eyelids are getting heavy, I've merely read one page, and typed two sentences of notes out. My mind is clouded with the words human resource management, industrial relations, labour management, unitarist, and employee relations. I'm sitting here listening to my "thinking song" and I'm being gently lulled to sleep. Sigh. I think all those sugary drinks have long fizzled out and now I feel so exhausted. I was so agitated last night. Trust my dad to really tick me off. At middle age, he's already exhibting signs of the "senile stage" in life. Constantly complaining, sleeping early, arising early, complain again, nag, and some more irrelevant nagging. I do grow tiresome of putting up with this sort of behaviour, and it drives me utterly insane. I don't have very much patience with certain people... In particular, my dad. Maybe I should...

I'm having major cravings for a caffeine beverage. I've opted to drink tea only now. My system is probably clogged up with way too much caffeine and chilli. But I would never give up on my beloved chilli, slight moderation should do the trick! Its ironic how I can change my mind so quickly without so much as a thought. I listened to you mumble a bit for 20 odd minutes last night. And for some strange reason, I actually understood what you were saying. Maybe I was actually paying attention this time because I yearned to hear you speak. I wish there was some way for me to see some reason to all this. The reason I seek is a reason to leave this all behind. I honestly don't know where to magically summon up my motivation. It seems my motivation is on a very long holiday and refuses to come back. I'm finding it hard to focus at home, theres just so many possible distractions at home. Today was my day off classes, but I've done everything else but hit the books. Maybe I s...

Today was a terrible day. Things just didn't work out too well for me. It was a magnificently grey day for me. I slept in, couldn't get ready on time. Train was delayed 15 minutes. Caught a bus without checking the bus number, ended up no where near uni. Walked to uni for a good 15-20 minutes. Maybe I should've just stayed in bed and avoided all that fuss. Microbiology practical was an absolute disaster. There was an apathetic person amongst our group, who I'll name as "R". This R person just sat there for most of the lesson whilst we carried out the experiments. R proceeded to get comfortable in sloth mode until I asked her to do some work. I felt like prodding her constantly with a stick to get her moving. Casey got pretty annoyed with the R, as we all were. At the end of class, R approaches me and says its plausible she'd drop the unit. I just smiled and responded in a friendly manner. Truthfully, I was annoyed for the entire excruciating 3 hours. So no...

So maybe it was wise to watch some Seinfeld. One particular episode, "The Opera", was quite humorous. It mentioned an opera named Pagliacci and the storyline is quite intruiging. I thought I'd look up if it was showing in the opera soon, but I failed. Seems it was shown at the Opera House in January or February. Pity. I hope it comes back up soon! Sometimes I think you bear resemblances to Canio. Maybe even I take on that role at times. I listened to you mumble on the phone moments ago. I really had no idea what you were saying again. I sat there for 5 minutes listening to those inaudible mumbles. My lack of responses today led you to believe I was drowsy. I was not drowsy, I just couldn't comprehend to your words. I just couldn't pay attention to those mumbles, but to hear you was plenty enough.

It brings me no joy to watch my sister weep. I handed her tissues whilst she cried over dinner in my room. In fact, it breaks my brittle heart to see her cry. It makes me utterly bitter with resentment that such pain cannot subside. Pain inflicted by the ones you love, the ones I've tried to love but to no avail. The ones we call parents, and I feel it is only by name. I can do no more but cry for you now. What can I do to ease that pain residing in your heart? What can I do to fill that deep void within you? What can I possibly do, when even I feel the very same? The notion of marriage was always something despised by me. I look at my parents and I want no part in that disgusting notion. It makes me sick to my stomach. What good is marriage when it is only going to break down one day? The sanctuary you call home just falls apart, as all things do with old age. There is a hole in my soul in the shape of my parents. That is a deep void in my life that can no longer be filled. How c...