sentimental melancholy

I don't understand why people bother putting up signs reminding you not to do something. I went to the art museum and there were signs scattered everywhere, "no pictures permitted". That didn't stop me and my companion from sneaking in the occasional snap here and there. Hah! Maybe I just don't like listening to what people tell me to do. I prefer to do the opposite or ignore what the person said.

I'd contend a great liar is one who is not only capable of deceiving others, but can also deceive themself in the process. A lie can seem so realistic if you can convince yourself it is true. Sounds pessimistic, perhaps even sullen... But it rings some truth to me. I used to bottle every emotion up inside myself. But that sure turned out to be a vicious cycle, its definately one thing I don't want to repeat.

Its 2:10am as I write this... I'm sitting here munching on grapes and listening to one song on repeat. I'm really liking this one song in General Hospital 2 OST, "Only you don't know" by Jung Kyul (너 밖에 모르고 - 정결) I don't know why, but this song makes me think a lot. Perhaps I've pondered a bit too much, perhaps I have. Sometimes I wonder why I say things I don't mean. Sometimes I wonder why I feel so sullen. Sometimes I wonder why I don't just admit I'm wrong. As of right now, and perhaps for a very long time, I've realised I've made the wrong choice in my studies.

I never put much thought to the words "the future", it was a term I was oblivious to. The future was something you read about in a book or something adults always spoke about. As time progresses, I find it increasingly hard for me to picture myself graduating with my science degree. I think its plausible to say, that I've had enough of trying to fight the odds. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the subjects. Its just not an occupation I can see myself dedicating to until my retirement. I've been quite miserable, drifting in and out of each class. I've stopped enjoying all my lessons after first year. I'm not looking forward to going back on the 25th at all.

I've found my resolve. One more semester, just one more. I'm going to apply for a transfer to another university to do an entirely different degree. I was thinking of journalism or management. I do like management subjects, I did one unit over the summer session. I didn't even work too hard to get a distinction grade. All this time, I've been trying to plough on and on. The only thing that was enjoyable throughout this heart wrenching process was meeting my friends at university. That was all I really looked forward to, the only thing that kept me going on. But I'm really tired now, life never seemed to slow down at all during this past decade. The only things I look forward to in my day is going to sleep, at least then I don't have to think. At least then, I can find some sort of solace. But what happens when I can't sleep? Much like now... I refuse to take a pill to go to sleep. I wonder what people would think when they read this. But hey, this is the real me, and this is as sincere as it gets. The real me exists only in writing, all I ever do is hide behind a facade.