Abstruse Musing

I find myself at peace when the days are grey and when silence permeates throughout the quiet hours of the day. There is emptiness yet something peaceful about these moments of solitude. There is the symphony of the wind whistling throughout the leaves, the sound of a distant choir and the smell of a warm comforting meal wafting through the window. I feel so much at ease just thinking about these things, just the simple impression of a myriad of things. All these thoughts and feelings come alive at night. Lurking beneath the glowing street lamps, the cold stars, the empty canvas in my room. It's all there, the thoughts I've tried to hard to conceal. He is the memory that comes alive in my dreams and I wish it wasn't this way. I used to hate the night because I couldn't sleep. I learned to love the night because there was you. I am torn between these sentiments and reality. I no longer have the courage to pick up your calls. I never realised how important closure w...

Truthfully, I've still yet to sustain my hope. Seeing an old friend reminded me of the calmer and more welcoming days of my youth. Those were the days when our eyes were filled with ambition, we thought we'd cure cancer or do something great to better society. We were naive, innocent and dreamers. I find myself in a more secure state of mind when I ponder back upon these once blissful and carefree days. But alas, paths diverge and memories fade. I met up with D this week for a brief lunch. It was reassuring to see a familiar face which belonged to these ill forgotten times. I used to be intimidated by D, she had a very solid exterior and I was timid. But upon closer inspection, you find that there is more than meets the eye. Yes, she was both strong minded and willed. As time progressed, I saw a person who sought to be understood entirely and not just be perceived as some sort of tempest. It was a pleasant yet brief lunch, I was glad I invited D to lunch. Sometimes I feel ...

I used to write here when I couldn't sleep or when something was bothering me. I'd like to think that has changed, so I haven't frequented here as often as I once did. Indeed the past shapes who we ultimately become tomorrow. But it does not do well to dwell on the past, particularly if you are reminded of not so pleasant times. Whilst these unpleasant times are essential to self growth and enrichment, I find myself slowly and surely forgetting. Planetarium reminds me of the past and the people which once inhabited in my memories. There are friends and alike who have gradually drifted away as time progressed. While I understand this is a natural part of growing up, sometimes I wonder if I should've done anything to prevent it. One day you realise something has gone amiss, but it is already too late to salvage what no longer exists. We constantly search, meeting disappointment along the way, then realise it can no longer be a part of you any more. I first heard pla...

I've thought about going abroad for a long time. I'd live in a city where no one knows me. I want to be free to dream without knowing boundaries. A friend told me about her experience with helping to build villages and teaching children english. I'm so drawn to that ideal. I knew it was something I want to do, even when I was in primary school. But responsibility holds me back. This emancipation that I've been fixated with over the years, is essentially, an elaborate plan to escape all my problems. No matter how the dream changes, one primary factor remains. The chance to start anew has always been enticing.

I find myself in an all too familiar setting. It's 1am and I'm working on an assignment, again. Except, unlike last night, I do not plan on sleeping. My sister is back home tonight, it's nice to have her around every now and then. I look forward to the end of tomorrow, I just want to sleep. I'm no longer nocturnal but sometimes I require a sleeping pill to fall asleep. My mind is most active at night, I've grown so accustomed to thinking at strange hours of the night. Lately, I've pondered about Canberra again, the thought of escaping everything is enticing. I know that is no reality, yet my mind continues to wander. I don't know what I want to escape, maybe all of this. We spend so much time worrying about money, health and relationships. If only these complications only existed within our minds. As I age, I've realised that life isn't a fairytale. No one is going to save you, you must be the one to save yourself. When you've lost sight of y...

I haven't written here as often as I once did. When I visit this long forgotten page, I like to read about my own thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it really is my own experience I'm reading about, I feel as though I'm disconnected. Even though I've neglected this medium, I always will be back. I was reading about September 2010, I feel as though not much has changed since then. Slowly and surely, the insomnia is returning. I bought the Avanza that the doctor prescribed, I feel fine when I take them. I try to not take them, but that just leaves me imbalanced. Perhaps its time to speak to a counsellor again. I know now that seeking help is not considered to be an embarrassment. I just don't feel right every now and then. I think of the past and of what I should have done. I'll never forget last Saturday, it was a truly traumatic experience at work. I heard footsteps, a soft thud, followed by silence and the anguished screams of a mother. A little boy collapse...

"We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved."  I saw that in a friend's blog and thought it seemed rather relevant. I'm quite dysfunctional when it comes to expressing feelings. To love is essentially what makes us human. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, love is pretty foreign and strange to me. I never really reacted well when someone expressed their feelings for me. I always panic, even if the feelings were mutual. I harbour feelings for a certain friend, but I'd rather these feelings never be known. I don't want to make things awkward. These feelings were almost reciprocated. But as usual, all I did was panic and shut down. Although sometimes I wonder what it could've been like if I didn't panic. Then I remember it does not do well to dwell on the maybe and what if's.