Here I am again, it has been 3 years since I last posted here. We all had so many hopes for 2020, but it has been disaster after disaster everywhere for countless people. I wonder what the world will be like when I frequent this personal place again. I hope we are all at a better place. Whilst the pandemic has been challenging, I have thought a lot over the past 6+ months working at home (I've lost track of time). I am resilient. But I think you can only be resilient for so long, it is a constant state of flux and you cannot be expected to be resilient for sustained period of time. I keep pushing myself to do more, be more and seek more. And so I'm here to admit that I'm not okay, but I will work on getting back on track. I am burnt out in both an emotional and professional capacity. I am at a crossroad. I may be facing a personal loss soon. I don't know if I have the capacity to try do anything about this, I want to but I don't know if I have the ability to fight...
What sort of emotions should be registered when you hear a family member has passed away? I suppose the natural reaction would be sorrow. Yet I don't really feel that way, all I can register is ambiguity and the disappointment that I'd never be able to meet my grandmother.. Today my grandmother in Vietnam died, my estranged aunt in America told me over the phone. The first thought was my mother, who hasn't seen her own mother for two decades... I didn't know how I was supposed to break her heart by telling her that. The only sorrow I feel is from knowing that my mother will be in heart wrenching pain.
I find myself in an all too familiar setting. It's 1am and I'm working on an assignment, again. Except, unlike last night, I do not plan on sleeping. My sister is back home tonight, it's nice to have her around every now and then. I look forward to the end of tomorrow, I just want to sleep. I'm no longer nocturnal but sometimes I require a sleeping pill to fall asleep. My mind is most active at night, I've grown so accustomed to thinking at strange hours of the night. Lately, I've pondered about Canberra again, the thought of escaping everything is enticing. I know that is no reality, yet my mind continues to wander. I don't know what I want to escape, maybe all of this. We spend so much time worrying about money, health and relationships. If only these complications only existed within our minds. As I age, I've realised that life isn't a fairytale. No one is going to save you, you must be the one to save yourself. When you've lost sight of y...
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