je suis désolée

So we had dinner with my cousin from England, Anna. I used to be afraid of her, I guess with her being an elder it was normal to be afraid. I remember she used to paint in her bedroom and how she forced me and William watch Oprah with her. At the tender age of 8, I didn't care for the issues discussed on Oprah. Today if I was watching Oprah, you probably can't tear me away from the television.

It was nice to see her again last night, I finally got to speak to her normally. Isn't it funny how people change as they age? I've learned to fear no one, I'll even stand up to my dad when he is being unreasonable (this involves gradual escalation of your voice). However, I did notice one thing. Her face was calm, but her fists were screwed up into knots when Tommy spoke without thinking again (nothing new). I suppose this was her facade, pretending nothing happened even though he was unfaithful to her. They're engaged.

I always pictured perfection in Anna and Tommy. They've been together since I was in kindergarten, and look at me now I'm in my 4th year of university. I always imagined them to be married and have their own children. But I suppose that illusion was soon shattered. I look at how my parents are and I know I do not wish to get married. Look at Anna and Tommy. Marriage is a intricate web of complications, maybe that web could lead to happiness. But it certainly doesn't seem that way to me.

Sometimes I feel like I don't understand you nor many people. I lack the courage to say what I really intend to say. I worry about the things I say because I'm afraid I am too blatantly honest. I worry about the things I don't say because I'm afraid of feeding someone false hope. I fear a lot of things; heights, spiders and angry people. But what I'm afraid of most is seeing people I know wallowing in despair while I watch them crumble. Sometimes I feel I am useless, maybe their emotions are that contagious.